BPDFamily.com

In addition to the pain of my marriage ending, I now have to deal with the painful fact that I reacted to my husband, who has BPD, in completely wrong ways. I only just found this site after learning of his BPD diagnosis AFTER he left for the seventh and final time. I have learned so much from it--from the books, the videos, etc. But one painful thing that I have learned was that my pushing him to get help for what looked like an advanced phase of alcoholism was patently wrong in terms of BPD. I think he probably did feel defective and bullied considering the aggressive way I pushed him to get help. I gave him an ultimatum, stop drinking and get help or you can't come back. Maybe if it had just been alcoholism that would have been fine, but with BPD it's absolutely counterproductive. I didn't know. And now, there is no way to talk with him or start over or try again.
My life with him was very, very difficult and it's good not to have that stress around. But, I do love him. I miss, so very much, his considerable positive attributes. The knowledge that I dealt with his demands and destructive episodes in a patently incorrect manner really hurts. I am very sorry for it. I am filled with regret. But I can't even say that because he does not acknowledge he has BPD. Instead, he says the therapist was wrong. And now, anything I say would be wrong. He doesn't want to hear from me.
What a nightmare. What a painful, terrible nightmare.

I think most people have probably reacted badly to our exBPD at some stage, I know I did. But we didn't know about BPD then, I still think I could have done things differently had I known.
I reacted to abuse which I didn't deserve, I'm only human.
I tried to get her to the doctors, her sister managed to get her there once but nothing came of it because she said she didn't need meds.
Then she took one and said it made her feel funny, countless more doctors appointments were made but she always cancelled on the day.

things are very raw right now, Breathe066. youve been through a lot - are still going through a lot.

i am a firm believer that identifying and owning our role in the relationship dysfunction is a major key to healing.

having said that, placing blame on ourselves is not necessarily productive. in the midst of our grief its very easy to swing toward either solely/mostly blaming our partners, or ourselves.

the vast majority of us knew little to nothing about BPD. we did do things that contributed to the dysfunction or made things worse. its worth exploring, but i implore you, be gentle with yourself as you go down that road. it is far easier to self analyze objectively, sort these things out (what was you, him, both) as we detach from some very complex grief.

from our article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD:

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

You concede that there are problems, and you have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your “BPD” partner’s concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your “BPD” partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the sole problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. But the problems aren’t all your fault and you can't solve this by changing. The problems are not all of your partner’s fault either. This is about a complex and incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

you may also find this a worthwhile read: https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

In a bad way, what you are describing sounds very familiar. He was supposed to have had a counseling appointment after he left, but he canceled it. I know that he did because he went drinking and drugging with his daughter and son-in-law instead.
Knowing that he is wrecking himself hurts terribly. It's not a surprise, but it is painful.
He also "tried" medication--just a dose or two, said it made him feel weird, even told me after one dose that he felt suicidal, and so, quit. The medication was supposedly for anxiety. I have wondered since if that former therapist actually knew what she was dealing with and called it medication for anxiety as a way of at least getting him to try. He is extremely wary of therapists, and well as of people who are getting treatment. In fact, when an old friend of mine opened up to those closest to her about the fact that she has BPD, I told him that I really wanted to be supportive of her. He went ballistic. From the minute he heard she had BPD he went on a full-on campaign for me to have nothing to do with her. I have never really figured out his motivation, except that he didn't want me to have anything to do with other people, period. That was before I knew he had BPD.
Once removed, thank you. Yes, this is very new. He left two weeks ago. He moved out a little over one week ago. He announced he wants a divorce ASAP a few days ago.
But I know that it is over. I know that it is because 1) I haven't been begging him to come back. It was my begging that always instigated his returns in the past. 2) He's no longer staying as closely in touch. At all. This is new. I'm trying not to think about it, because it isn't helpful, but I think he is already involved with someone else. I think this because he hates being alone. He just can't handle being alone. And he uses sex as a way to soothe himself.
I hate the idea that I may actually never hear from him again except maybe when we sign the papers. I was truly in love with him and, in a sad, injured way, I still am.
I am trying to focus on how much more peaceful my life is. How much more freedom I have. I am trying not to think about how he said he's happier and less stressed without me, although it is likely true. I think the nature of BPD is that it is much more noticeable within a relationship.
His next partner will no doubt be dazzled by his wit and good looks, his romantic and adventurous nature. I was. And I bet the partners before me were, too. He or she will probably feel a great deal of sympathy when my husband describes me as cold and unfeeling, after all, that's how I reacted when he said the same thing about his former wives. But if he doesn't get help, the outcome for any new partnership, I believe, will be very much like the outcome of ours. I could have done some things better if I had known more, but that doesn't change the fact that he adamantly refused to get meaningful help and persists in believing that every failed relationship in his life is the other person's fault.
I am making a real effort not to contact him today. If I can get through today without reaching out to him, that would be a milestone. Trouble is, I actually think that by not reaching out, I am being indifferent to what is likely a very tough time for him. I don't know why I can't accept that if he wanted to be in touch with me, he would reach out.

I'd pick her up from work and remind her we were at the doctors on the way home, she would say she rang them earlier and cancelled because she is too tired.
Later at night she would say she should have gone and can I make her another appointment, so I would do.
But on the day always the same thing, cancelled it because she was too tired.

If our exes truly wanted us to understand them and their behaviors, and react in a proper way that was healthy for both sides, then they should have told us about their personal issues sooner instead of hiding it... .

That's the thing, Fallen One. I told him about years of counseling for my PTSD caused by childhood abuse. He said he was in counseling for the same thing but had "beat it." I didn't really feel like I had "beaten" what had happened to me, it's just that my counselor and I felt that I was in a good enough spot that I could just check in when I felt like I really needed her.
So, oddly enough, early in our relationship he singled out BPD in this way: "Well, one thing that my counselor did rule out was Borderline Personality Disorder." I replied "Of course, only women get that," and laughed. I thought he was making a joke and I didn't know any better. At that time I thought only women had BPD.
When he had his first major episode with me, his best friend said "Look, maybe I shouldn't say this, but did you know he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?" I said only women got it. He said no. I didn't want to hear anymore. The things he was saying actually made sense, but were frightening, too. He back pedaled, said he was probably confused and apologized profusely.
If my husband had simply said, "Look, here's the deal... .I've got an illness called BPD. Here's how it manifests... ." I could have educated myself. I would have known enough to know how to comport myself when his episodes hit. No way would I have abandoned him.
But now, it's all gone to hell. I miss him so much it feels like a rusty knife is clanging around inside me. But everything I have read says pwBPD don't miss partners when partners aren't there, when they've left us, etc.
Do they? Is there any chance he misses me or will ever miss me?

you have probably been reading about BPD and a lack of object permanence.

its a complicated issue. it is not that people with BPD dont miss their partners when they arent there (many of us heard the words "i miss you" too many times to count), it is that they have trouble psychologically recalling a complete sense of us, in order to soothe feelings of emptiness.

generally, when people are feeling lonely, they soothe themselves with mental images and recollections, and feelings, etc, of loved ones. people with BPD struggle to do this.

more on the subject here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0

Thank you. This certainly rings true:

"The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this."

Does this mean that when he is not in a relationship, he functions just fine? Does BPD really only manifest in relationship with another human being? It kind of galls me, honestly, that he's probably looking perfectly ok to the rest of the world, but when he was with me he was angry and in full drama mode constantly. I can just hear "You're so much happier now without her."   

youre in a better position to know this about him than we are as you know him personally. levels of functioning vary along the spectrum. presence of self harm, inability to keep a job, lack of friendships, substance abuse, all of these may affect or speak to functioning.

all of those things and most of the diagnostic criteria tend to be present (or worse, or better) regardless of a relationship.

the sorts of "BPD behaviors" we read about are those that tend to manifest within a relationship. for example, someone with BPD tends to have a high rejection sensitivity, and this is pronounced within a relationship. you cant be slighted by a perceived rejection if youre the only person present. you can, however, struggle with self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.

think of it this way: we all have interpersonal relationship issues of some sort. theyre going to be more pronounced in a relationship but they dont disappear if we arent in one.

make sense?

Breathe,
Please do not blame yourself. I recognize your thoughts and regrets. Until recently i blamed myself. Me too i had to deal with alcoholism and BPD. I stood by my wife's side for years. I didnt push for AA or therapists. I didnt react yelling. I was patient. It didnt make a difference at the end. She was funny and charismatic, i loved her and still do. So i feel your pain. But please do not put the blame on you. My wife left when i was at work 3 years ago and i have never heard from her again, never saw her, like i never ever existed. Its a terrible disorder and when alcoholism is involved it's a disaster. If you read my profile info you will see what i have done and still i was deserted like a p!g. I suffer every day and i feel your pain, questions, flashbacks, nightmares. Dont think it has anything to do with you ok! Take care, ... .Jo