BPDFamily.com

Hi

My now ex dropped into a texting convo that they might have BPD and sent me links to look at. This was a week after she finished our relationship for the 3rd time. I began to read more and more on BPD and so it would seem that she has so many of the traIts. 2 weeks later (on Xmas day) she left for Australia telling me that she loved me but needed to be 'free' and find herself as she didn't know who she was. We'd had 9 months apart up until August and I guess she did the reconnect thing by inundating me with texts about what a mistake she had made and how much she loved me etc etc. She spent a month in Australia in the november and whilst there told me I was her one and only and she wanted everything with me. Then deciding actually maybe she wanted to travel then didn't and then came back and finished our relationship and flew back. Incidentally she picked up with someone new in the first 2 weeks and is now with someone different again in the space of 2 months (first person came back to the uk). The idiolisation and detachment has hit me incredibly hard (done several times to me now) and I obviously took her back and then after this episode have been made aware of BPD. No diagnsois but too many similarities. She was adamant that she hated living here and that she would be fine away from family (dysfunctional)and I've gone through the feelings of feeling worthless and that my replacement much be so much better and maybe she is better herself and happy blah blah blah. It's tearing me apart if I'm honest. Can she be better being away in a new environment ... .she was adamant she would be fine there and she wouldn't feel low etc and all the things she did here. Can a change of environment make BPD (Suspected BPD) better? Social media shows me this happy person whilst I'm finding it so difficult to hold it together. I've been in counselling since our  previous break up.

Hi!

I have no answers for you unfortunately - BPD is a pretty unfathomable mental illness and where logic would usually apply, it most definitely does not in this instance.

I just wanted to reply to you to say that I can relate very much to your post and how you are feeling.

After I was discarded, my pwBPD seemed to 'soar' in all aspects of life.
New friendships, reigniting old ones, relationship after relationship, new job, new home ect.

I was stuck exactly where she left me... .for a while at least, watching her on social media appearing to go from strength to strength whilst I was struggling to get out of bed everyday.

Goods news is, that was 3yrs ago now and my life has improved so much (new job, husband and new home in a new town).

What I'm trying to say is that even though it doesn't feel like it now, she has set you free.
Free from months, years or even a life time of being split white then black, then white, then black again - never knowing where you truly stand. Tidying up her emotional pain only for it to overflow again. Your life would be on hold waiting for the next drama/trauma.

Please take the life line she has given you by discarding you now. I know it sounds harsh and I don't mean to sound flippant (I know the pain you currently feel and it is all consuming). It will pass a little each day and you will find true, tangible happiness.

A change of environment can improve things if her triggers aren't there. However, keep in mind that it is quite common for pwBPD or BPD traits to have an empty space inside of themselves that they are trying to fill with external stuff rather than working on things internally. My ex used to talk about having a void that he was trying to fill. He tried to fill it with all sorts of things. It would help for a while but he would eventually feel empty again. It is like trying to fill up a bottle of water that has a leak in it. If she truly has a personality disorder, then there is a good chance that the change of environment will only be a temporary improvement.


Don't rely on anything that you see on social media! Social media makes it way to easy for people to present whatever picture they want to present. Here is a question for you: Why are you still following her social media? It is very painful to watch them from the sidelines. From the sidelines, it is easy to see a very skewed view of things.

Hi There 
I'm going to second Vortex in saying "possibly". It really does depend on what is triggering her.

It could be the environment... .
It could be you. 

I'm not saying that to be cruel. You shouldn't feel bad if you triggered her, you didn't know what BPD was. I triggered my ex because I am very independent. While I am very social there's a side of me that likes a lot of alone time to decompress. My wanting my space triggered my ex's lashing out and fears of abandonment.

I was friends with my replacement before she hooked up with my ex. My replacement is very clingy. Her ex before mine cheated on her and married the woman she cheated on her with. She's one of these people who likes every single post in her FB Feed.

She's extremely clingy.

Now she's been with my ex two years this May. They've lived together one year come July. I never lived with my ex because she was constantly raging and dumping me every three months.

It was terrible and there was no way I was having her move in after all the breakups and infidelity.

So something is "working" in their relationship be it she's not being triggered and possibly has a more co dependent partner.

That being said I don't believe these individuals ever change without hard work and DBT therapy. My ex has lived with partners a few years, cheated on them and left them. She has recycled all of her exes with the exception of the ones who left her.

Is she happy? I don't believe so and I suspect this will end just like the others. My hope is she just continues to stay NC so I can keep healing. I know it's hard but again, there's no way of telling what will trigger your ex. The new guy might be a doormat who takes the abuse without a fight.  He may have weaker boundaries.

Don't use social media to gauge her happiness. Pictures are deceiving and there are a lot of smoke and mirrors in these relationships.  My ex was telling some people how amazing I was while telling others I abused her. Facebook was used as a tactic to manipulate people to believe the story she was "creating" so try not to look at it, it only puts thoughts in your head and you really don't know what's happening behind closed doors... .why torture yourself?

Just to offer my perspective on this, wherever she goes she is still her.

BPD is a mental illness within her.

My mother also has BPD as well as my ex and she has moved around her whole life thinking where she was was making her unhappy.

It onviously never worked long term.

Recent technology has taught me that the BPD brain has structured abnormalities  that may have been caused by high levels of cortisol being released as a response to stress and trauma over time. I am not sure if there is any environment or medicine that can heal this cerebral erosion over time.  

Thank you so much for getting back to me and what you say makes a lot of sense :)
Part of me does feel that I was in the end a trigger. When she was away for the month in Australia I missed her loads and I guess verbalised that and initially she reciprocated. That changed part the way through her trip as she started to say she might not come back or at least book another ticket to go back without even discussing it with me. I then I guess became 'needy' asking what it meant for me and for us. I'd gone through hell for 9 months when she had previously again walked out one day and never looked back and I never saw her again. To then come back into my life after 9 months wanting the world with me. In the 9 months apart I found out she  had been with 3/4 different people but 'none of them were me' (I now see that as seduction).
Incidentally when she got back in touch with me in July she had an open ticket for Australia. She booked a return late August when we were back on track. She proceeded to tell me on her return at the end of November that booking a return was a mistake - this obviously made me feel really rubbish.
I think possibly in the end my neediness and telling her how much I loved her probably pushed her away ? Too much closeness? I wished now I'd never gone back there and opened myself right up again. She told me I was the most amazing person and she'd always have a special place in her heart for me ... .within 3 weeks she was with someone else etc etc.
I know the social media is no good and I have now stopped looking etc. I still care loads for her and am now wrestling with the 'well if she does have BPD she can't help it can she?' ... .she had 2 counselling sessions in October due to her re-occurring low moods and I encouraged the doctors (all before I knew possible BPD)  but refused to go back and threw it back at me. When in Australia in November She never got low etc and I said it was like a holiday for her and she might well not get low ... .she held this against me when back there in January suggesting I would want her to stay in that low place. This also hurt.
Anyway, 3 months NC now ... .it feels like a sentence ! Haha ... .I know I did 9 but was clearly not over her as she got back in. I guess her being the other side of the world is probably a good thing.
Thank you for your words of support. I don't know for definite if BPD is evident but too many similarities. I am thinking how long will this next one last and I almost want it not to because then it'll make it more clear that BPD is a factor. I've been told a few times I have dodged a bullet, I guess it doesn't make it any easier though.

What will make it work with the next one that she is with? Or is it just not going to ? Maybe the new r/s won't trigger anything? And the environment away from here that she expressed she hated so much ... .place, people, family etc. I guess im still struggling and doing the whole 'perhaps she's better and happier now she's not anywhere near me' ... .but then I think will it work in oz and presumably she will have to come home at some point? Sorry just confused  

Nothing can help someone who does not want to be helped.
What are you doing to help you? Are you going to take her back again after another cheating and treating you like your feelings do not exist? Haven't you suffered enough?
I have read all the books and tried all the tools. They did not work. A BPD can improve, but they should be committed to it. The easiest way is going around trying all the old tricks, making people love you and then disappear and then again. it works for them.

But it does not work for me. I am no more on the rollercoaster.

Thank you ... .When you say you've read all the books and tried all the tools and it didn't work, do you mean you tried to make it work and adjust what you were doing in response to your BPD partner, but they were not willing to work on it themselves ? And yes I've been hurt over and over! I'm reading lots and this is so helpful, it's helping me to make sense of it all.  I'm beginning to value myself again I'm beginning to see whatever I did and whatever I said was never going to be any good. The hard thing I think to come to terms with is the more you love them and tell them so, it puts another nail in the coffin. I didn't realize possible BPD until after the final break up. But, I am trying to be kinder to myself, to allow myself to feel what I feel and slowly but surely I am trying to rebuild :)
 

wherever you go there you are... .


Thanks for posting this. I needed it today. Mine is apparently posting such a happy life and relationship too. I don't look but sometimes I hear from third parties. Good for him. Maybe he is happy. I doubt it however. He is who he is. HE is always chasing the next high. It may be a relationship or a new home or a new hobby but it never fills the hole in his soul.