BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am new to this board and to BPD in general. After recently seeking mental health help for my own needs, I have discovered that my mother has/had BPD. I have been reading and researching a lot about the affects this has on the child and it feels overwhelming. I am really looking forward to having a community that is going through a similar situation to me. I have opted to enter psychotherapy to dig deep and hopefully heal the past and move on with my future.

The main topic I feel I would be interested to hear input on would be how you can start to deal with not feeling guilty about letting the parent with BPD down. I feel a strong sense of guilt many times when interacting with my mother and even in my daily life. I have learned to combat some, but would appreciate any ideas and methods that you have tried and think may help.

Thank you for your responses and I look forward to diving in and healing!

Welcome Laharkisawari:     

I'm sorry your mom likely has BPD.  I'm glad that you are reaching out for support and that you are in therapy.  You can't be responsible for anyone's happiness, although people with BPD (pwBPD) want to make you think so.

The links below should be helpful.  The first one leads to an article on Fear Obligation and Guilt, and the 2nd one to a discussion thread:
FOG  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)
FOG DISCUSSION THREAD  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0;all)

I'm glad you are working on unraveling the past and preparing for a better future.  We are here with listening ears, whenever you want to share more of your story. 

Hi  Laharkisawari
It's quite a shock to discover BPD in a mother and I am sorry for your experience of being overwhelmed at times.
Congratulations on both seeking professional help and for reaching out for support here.
Your feelings of guilt are quite understandable - no doubt you have been being conditioned to feel that way for a long long time.
The article Naughty Nibbler referred to is an excellent one and I hope you find it helpful.

As for feeling guilty hopefully you will see in time that guilt is a useful emotion when felt appropriately but in the case of being used as a lever to get you to do things, it's not appropriate at all. it's unkind to manipulate anyone by sending them on a 'guilt trip'
I have found it useful to try and learn to tolerate guilty feelings and take time to evaluate what's really happening rather than reacting immediately to try and stop the feelings. This can take some practise. My BPD mother is an expert on the application of FOG and had trained me to react very quickly to avoid some kind of punishment.
As I practised taking a little time before reacting it became more manageable and has become easier to sort out what is appropriate guilt and what is sheer manipulation.
It has also surprised me to find that at times, when I thought she was genuinely upset, just waiting for a little while  showed that her feeling was more superficial than that and passed more quickly than I had expected.

As your therapy continues, I hope your self esteem will continue to rise and that in turn will help you place appropriate boundaries which will lead to eliminating guilt that is not functional.
Has your counsellor suggested any strategies? HaHave you had an opportunity to put any into practice? If so it would be great if you would share your experiences here.
All the best
Ziggiddy

Thank you both for your positive support. The articles about FOG were very helpful and I am going to continue to use them as a reference.

As for strategies, I am just starting to delve into the whole concept with my doctor. I will be very eager to post on here and share what I have learned.

I am slowly coming to terms with the whole idea and I am finding it a little sad, but mostly helpful to be able to put a label on what is going on in my world. It has been such a long time that this has been going on and I am so grateful that I am figuring this out sooner rather than later. I think, like any habit or conditioning, it will just take time and a little elbow grease to come to a point where I feel in control again. Although I will be dealing with this the rest of my life.

Again, I truly appreciate the support, kind words, and articles. Namaste 

It's alot to take in,  Laharkisawari and it is, as you say hard work. Emotionally exhausting as well as time consuming but so well worth it - I promise.
It is a great relief to come out of the fog.

 Remember to care for yourself - in many ways you are recasting your entire childhood and adulthood with new eyes and a new heart.
 Take your time.
Step back when necessary and just breathe in and out.
I found it extremely helpful to get a teddy bear   I recommend it! It reminds you that you are just a child who needs care and love and plenty of validation. When things get rough, I still give Mr Potts a cuddle and never underestimate the healing power of a cup of tea or a little sitdown by the ocean.
Above all else reach out when you need assistance. It can be so very hard to do but you will find new connections and kind people if you persist. 

Best wishes for your healing and recovery work. The best is yet to come.
 
Z

Hey Laharkisawari:    


 :thought:  As they say, "knowledge equals power", so I hope you get very powerful.   :)

We look forward to hearing more of your story as it evolves and you gain insight.  Things can get better for us, when we learn certain communication skills and become skilled with enforcing boundaries. 

Take care.