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Hi. I'm married 23 years to my partner. I move out this weekend. This is unbelievably difficult. I miss him already but I am dealing with an intense amount of hate while I spend these last days at home. How can I live this person so much?

Hi FirstMate,  

*welcome*

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'd like to welcome you to the group. Twenty three years is a long history together. My heart goes out to you, this is really tough, thankfully you found us, you're not alone. Many of us can relate with what you're going through. My ex left 4 years and I can clearly recall the vitriol at the end, she's the one that left, at the core of this disorder is abandonment fears, the core wound of abandonment and your STBX is triggered with intense anxiety and anger. Is he diagnosed with BPD?

Hi FirstMate,

I'd like to join Mutt and welcome you to the family. I'm very sorry to hear that your relationship is breaking up. That is painful and I can understand your feelings of hate right now.

You've found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through.

When you can, tell us a bit more about your situation. Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on during this difficult time?

We're here for you.

heartandwhole

Hate is normal " for what they have done to us" so don't feel guilty about that. you have every right to hate him for not getting help to save family

Best advice I can give is once you understand you can only control what you control you start to forgive the BPD. Don't be afraid to get angry and sad it's how you mourn

Hey FirstMate, Welcome!  I admire your courage for moving out.  It's hard, I know, but leads to greater happiness.  You could think of it as short-term pain in exchange for long-term joy.  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, so I can relate.  My Ex is still a prisoner of her anger and rage.  I don't miss the drama.  Fill us in, when you can, and let us know how we can help.  You are not alone, believe me, as many of us have been down this road before you.

LuckyJim

Thank you all so much. About a year ago I was finally able to start my career again. I was a stay at home mom. I stayed at home for 15 years more so because I knew he couldn't do his job without my taking care of everything else. I have a great job that pays well and I flourish in it. I began to see that the roller coaster life  I was leading was so draining. I could never gauge his moods. He was threatened by my newfound happiness and confidence. I couldn't say anything right. I couldn't take the financial instability. I rarely would fight back at him to any extent because it never made anything better. Then one day after work I did something to upset him. I had already pulled away emotionally. So when he started in on me I just walked away. My 17 yo daughter was upset because it appeared to her that I was just "taking" it. She went back at him in my defense. Since then he has written her off. I know he loves her but in his mind it's easier for him be angry than do the work. He had started going to therapy after twenty years of my begging. So I am completely evil and cold  because I left him just when he was starting to get help. But after the incident with my daughter, I realized what behavior I was modeling for her when it comes to her future partner.
In the end, I was living two lives. Normal happy at work and anxious and sad at home. I had to go. So now my family is a statistic but hopeful we will be a happier statistic.

Oh! And the hate I referred to in my original post was his against me. I was just living thru it until I could get out.