BPDFamily.com

Me and my x ( while she was drunk) made up about a year ago. She said no matter what we will always be here for each other ( paraphrase I forget whole thing).

Why would she tell me that and say our quote about having each other's back then paint me black and get a no contact order on me?

The same reason mine talked about moving in together again and told me "I love you" just 24 hours before she abandoned me while I was at work and filed a protection order against me... .

Ignore their words. Actions are what counts. Their words are not consistent... My ex constantly contradicted herself for most of the time we were together. Her stories about her past changed. Her personal views changed. Her opinions changed. Her likes and dislikes changed... See where this is going?

Whatever they feel at that moment is right to them.

Mine said she would always be there for me just days before ending it, cutting me out of her life completely, and me finding out about the replacement. I'm almost certain she was already with him or at least with him emotionally when she said that.

Because she has BPD traits.

Sometimes I wonder if drugs or alcohol reveal their true feelings or thoughts (this may be said with people, not just pwBPD).

I can't count the number of times my exBPD expressed her lifelong devotion... .only to end things suddenly and out of the blue (twice). The last time she told me how completely dedicated she was to us on a Friday... .and ended our relationship for good on Sunday.  Then changed the locks on the doors to our house two days later so I couldn't get my possessions.  Like FallenOne said - ignore the words and believe the actions.

I guess if you understand BPD traits you can understand the behavior... .but the behavior is never logical - to me anyway.  

I just pray that I never have to deal with the roller coaster again.  Living each day wondering if today is the day the shoe will drop, is no way to live.

I noticed the alcohol thing quite often - her inhibitions were down, so she would say what was really concerning her.

I had at least 3 occassion where I would take her to an airport, she would have THE most loving look on her face and appear to be genuinely sad we were parting, only for her to hook up with another guy within 24 hours of landing. I confronted her about it and she basically said she had "thought about things some more" and then basically painted me a shade of black... .which I always took as a justification for her bad behaviour which was probably caused by a dislike of being alone.

It's just trait of BPD, from my experience, that they live in the moment.

Here is my opinion on why they leave suddenly... At least this what I know about my own situation...

They tally your mistakes and feel slighted by each one that you make. Whether it be an insult, poor wording, something they didn't agree with, an argument, or if they feel you betrayed them in some way. They never forget about any of these things nor let them go... Regardless of how much you apologize, or how much you talk about it... They never let it go...

The problem is that they push and push and push and taunt you until you say/do something you might regret... Then YOU are the bad person... Whatever they did, they either already forgot about it, or saw their behavior as okay and your anger as being unjustified... You're then seen as abusive, since (to them) they don't see a problem with their own behavior, thus it's acceptable...

This tallying of mistakes, slights, and their inability to let things go, cause them to devalue and resent you more and more over time until a breakup occurs.


When you get back together or makeup (recycle) there's a short period of the honeymoon phase all over again, but then the resentful memories that caused the initial breakup to happen, slowly begin to come back (more so for them than us) and they begin to resent you again and then leave again... .

That's my take on it...

You have to understand that they are actually talking to, and acting for, THEMSELVES during intimacy, rather than you. She meant that she would always be there for HER no matter what. You know when you hear these words that their BPD cycle will begin sometime afterward. You get too close, even though she initially engulfs you to trust her, thus loading the gun that will trigger her own deep core of fear, shame, doom, isolation, rejection and abandonment she is certain will happen from you, so, she projects and protects HERSELF by using these words, then annihilates you and escapes, maintaining control over you, and her fear and hatred of you.  Rinse-Repeat paranoid delusion with replacement.

I couldn't agree more.

This thread has been helpful.

What makes less sense is she would tell me things that concerned me with her health. So why would you tell me those things if you know I'm going to try and make sure you are safe if you know it will piss you off?

I'm also curious on if anyone has seen them play politician to stupid people before

Hey FallenOne... .did we date the same girl?

I fought her black list "tally" daily.  

One day we were talking and she admitted that she needed to be constantly reminded of all the great things I did for her because she always concentrated on the times she felt slighted.  So we agreed to put a Mason jar in our kitchen and whenever I did something great, she would put a white marble in the jar.  Then whenever I did anything that she didn't like, she would put a black marble in the jar.  When she ended things for the very last time the jar was almost filled to the top and when you looked at the jar you could see three black marbles surrounded by about 200 white marbles.  I showed it to her on my way out... .it didn't matter.

The last argument we got into was because I was pointing out how our relationship was run on such a double standard.  She had gone out of town to spend time with some friends.  She came home five hours later than when she said she would be home.  No big deal to me, she stayed in touch so I knew where she was (I assume she was telling me the truth anyway).  The problem was, when I would spend time with my friends if I came home 5 minutes later than I would say then all heck would break loose, no matter the circumstances.  In mid argument, she says "I want to end the relationship".  That was it... .three years together over for good in a 3 second statement.

She cheated on me... .yet I forgave her.  I asked her one day if she could get out of bed (it was 3:00 pm) and take care of some of the dishes that had been stacked up in the sink for a week (I couldn't get to them because I was cleaning the pool, cutting the grass, putting up new shutters, and had just started to fix dinner).  Boom, I was now being painted black for mentioning the dishes.  Never mind the previous 6 hrs I just spent on all the other "honey do's".  Never mind that she cheated, I was the bad guy.

It's a losing battle.  I am the most understanding and patient man alive.  Our relationship was the longest she was ever involved in based solely on how much I was willing to forgive and look past but it was inevitable to come to the same result of all the other relationships she had.  None of my efforts mattered.

I hate her for who she is and what she did to me... .and I feel extremely sorry for her for who she is and what she will continue to do to others, and herself.

Yes This:

I hate her for who she is and what she did to me... .and I feel extremely sorry for her for who she is and what she will continue to do to others, and herself.

Although I don't have a lot of compassion for her much of the time just yet due to the lying, betrayal, double standards, selfishness, complete lack of empathy, victim mentality, complete lack of integrity, etc. I do have occasional moments when I feel for her and in time I'm sure I will have more of that.

I think all three of us dated the same girl!

Exact same for me - longest relationship she ever had and man was I patient and forgiving (which is my fault, not hers - a healthy me would have left her at the start - it's the one "gift" from all of this).

I don't hate her - it's a waste of energy. She is mentally ill. I feel sorry for her and got her into therapy and now see her as my replacement and her therapist's problem (although I still have a little work to do to get to NC... .hopefully soon).

So true... .maybe I "hate" myself for letting her do to me what she did.  No one had a gun to my head - especially when I took her back after the infidelity.

I just fell very much in love... .a moth to a flame.  By far the most beautiful and charming lady I had ever met.  Yet the most afflicted.

You will get to NC.  It will be a very sad process because for me, I had to get into the mindset that she had died.  And for all intents and purposes... .as far as my life is concerned, she did.  Along with the small part of my heart she will always owns.

The mourning part is hard at first because your trying to get empathy and love from others and explain how someone alive is dead and no one understands what you are talking about which gets frustrating

No one who hasn't been intimately involved with a partner with BPD understands the level of emotional trauma... .no one.  I wouldn't have understood it myself if I hadn't lived it.

Looking at behavior only tells you all you need to know. Don't believe what they tell you. I listened to my ex tell a group a people that ours was the greatest relationship in the world and we would be together for life. Two days later she sent me a "dear John" text message and hasn't spoke with me since. We were planning a life together and poof... .gone. As well I have good reason to believe she had been grooming another victim\replacement for months before. Substance abuse was also a significant factor with her. I don't believe for a second people reveal their true beliefs under the influence of drugs or alcohol. I have also learned that my ex distorted so much about her past that I can't believe anything that she said or really who she is. Mine portrayed herself to be someone she is not and has done this her entire life... .I have been validated regarding this from her family, friends and several ex partners. For anyone entertaining reconciliation\recycling the first question I would ask is why? Also if she has done anything to address her BPD traits... .such as taking responsibility for them and entering treatment. Fallenone nailed it in his post above.

lets take BPD out of the equation for the moment:

how many of us have made promises we didnt keep?

said or thought wed love someone forever, that we no longer love?

over expressed our feelings through words with all of those love chemicals swirling through our brains?


ive probably told a few girls i thought they were the most beautiful girl in the world, or something along those lines. did i mean it literally? obviously not. did i mean it maliciously? certainly not.

put BPD back into the equation.

from the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck:

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

Those are very good points Once Removed and that is where the struggle lies in determining what is based on the BPD traits and what is based on just falling out of love. It can be quite crazy making trying to sort that out which is why its important to look at behavior.

Yes, we have all fallen out of love.

The difference that I see is that non-BPD's don't confess their undying love and total commitment after making love to their SO on a Friday... .then end things completely on a Sunday.  Change locks on to the house on Tuesday so the partner can't actually move out, then sleep with the replacement on the following Saturday.

Well, let's just say I would never consider those actions, as my exBPD did.

Rejection has more than one face. . I had a boyfriend a few years ago, he cheated on me, lied about it until he knew that I knew for sure. To me he rejected me the first time he slept with someone else. I dumped him. He said that he was sorry, to him because I didn't accept his apology I therefore rejected him. He didn't have BPD. My first husband and I loved each other, thought it was forever, he fell out of love with me, rejected me, he didn't have BPD. I had another boyfriend who was physically violent towards me, he didn't have BPD, he was just a nasty b*stard. I rejected or was rejected. I don't cope with rejection well at all and have realised my lack of self worth has been there a long time, was just magnified 100 fold by my BPDex. Although I  am the one who has ended our relationship both times and he feels I rejected him I realise he rejected me the second he started devaluing me. Sorry if I have waffled.

She would text me about how you shouldn't judge because you don't know what someone is going through than I get punished for treating her like a normal human. I guess I did reject her in a accidental way because I didn't know how to handle her bizarre ass behavior

It's so tough! I had a two month break, NC, she kept writing to my son, she needed this and that, stupid stuff, I kept NC, then one my T said send her the things she needs (a few email addresses which I know she had anyway) and wish you well, BANG! She was back! Wanted to meet me, asap, for a coffee, a hug, a short talk, I stalled for a few days while receiving daily texts, then met her, then I was back! a few days later issues started to appear, little arguments here and there, now I am thinking NC again and soon! It's so tough, she is a great, talented person, BUT it is so unstable that I can see no way forward really, very, very sad, as she tells me I am "the love of her life"... .but it's sadly doomed... .

Telling someone that you will always be there for each other, is that realistic?
What if I die?
What if my kid is in the hospital, then NO, I will be by his side and NOT there for the other person.

Idk but when folks make a promise to me that they cannot keep, better to see it for what it is: Magical Thinking

Buying into the magical thinking is where there is issues.
Setting expectations set in magical thinking causes disappointments.

Don't believe persons who speak in fantasy language!

It is not a promise of things to come.
It is a form of escape.
Imo, buying into this is also a form of escapism.

I think this is what I fear most going forward... .being jaded and not trusting people's word.

I told my exBPD that I would always be there for her. Did that mean I would be physically in her presence 24/7... .no. It's not a literal expression. It's an expression of commitment that I don't say lightly. I'm sure not trying to escape reality. I meant that I was committed to be with her, to be faithful to her, and support her until the day I died. I meant that. My parents have been married 56 years... .I assure you they've told each other they would always be there for each other. They both meant it.

My exBPD told me she was totally committed to me... .and 10 days later was in bed with my replacement.

I just hate that when or if I hear someone speak sincerely about commitment or love towards me again I will carry my baggage of skepticism. I don't want to lose my trust in others because of the actions of my ex. I guess it will go back to what's real... .that actions speak louder than words.

You guys bring up valid points. You can't predict the future which is why promises are bad. However I'm a intense person n the way she hugged me and said these things were said with intensity which is why I believe they were true

I told my exBPD that I would always be there for her. Did that mean I would be physically in her presence 24/7... .no. It's not a literal expression. It's an expression of commitment that I don't say lightly. I'm sure not trying to escape reality. I meant that I was committed to be with her, to be faithful to her, and support her until the day I died. I meant that. My parents have been married 56 years... .I assure you they've told each other they would always be there for each other. They both meant it.

My exBPD told me she was totally committed to me... .and 10 days later was in bed with my replacement.

I just hate that when or if I hear someone speak sincerely about commitment or love towards me again I will carry my baggage of skepticism. I don't want to lose my trust in others because of the actions of my ex. I guess it will go back to what's real... .that actions speak louder than words.

Great Post G2-

When I said I would always be there for her, I truly meant it as well and I have never said it to anyone else in my 46 years of life. Based on how shallow she is, I'm guessing she has probably said that to every boyfriend she ever had and never meant it.

Amazing post - thank you so much as it is so similar to my experience its scary! In order to let go of my ex I am trying to work out if she had untreated BPD... .Did the person you were with who did this have a diagnosis at all?

I saw my therapist a couple of days ago, and she said something to me that totally ties in with this. After the discard, I was stalked for about a year, she would turn up at places knowing I'll be there, and she would follow me around, but stay just far enough away that we couldn't talk and flirt with guys right in front of me. .

Why?

My therapist said- to taunt you, to get you to react, to get you angry, and then she could publicly humiliate you, and become the victim, and you would then be seen as the abuser, the aggressor, the nasty person. It was in effect an attempt to ruin me. And she could then go to her comfort zone of victim, get loads of sympathy and put me where she wants me, as persecutor.

It was an attempt to change my character, to make me behave badly.

In all of attempts to goad me, I kept my calm, and let her carry on with her nonsense. By the time she was doing this, I knew about BPD, and their need for drama and crisis. But still, it hurt like hell, even though I knew rationally it was all just a manipulation on her part, but still, it was very hard sometimes to act normal, knowing what she was doing.

In the end I sent her a couple of emails caller her out on her behaviour... .and gradually the stalking stopped.

Coming back to the original post, like to many here, a week before she dumped me, she said that she loved me, and could see a life together with me, the day before she dumped me, we had gone out for the day, a lovely day in the sunshine, a harbour trip and bike ride.

Then the discard.

Loving this post.

Looks like many of us dated and married the same woman. Same happened to me. The question is that it is useless to understand them. They will always play drama with you. I call it ___ty show.

My ex the SAME THING. The day she disappeared she said "I will always love you" and she said I want us to be together. Then boom!

One word explains it all: manipulation.
Remember, don't listen to what they say.  Watch what they do.
They have an exquisite ability to say exactly what you want to hear when they want something. 

Yes. She's diagnosed with Borderline, bipolar I and PTSD. She's 24 now, diagnosed when she was 18. On a LOT of meds... Been in and out of psych hospitals every year... Been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since she was 17. Every ex she has had since she was a teenager has experienced the same pattern as me, as I have spoken to them since the breakup.

And, take my word for it, all the meds and therapy don't do sh!t... They may balance her out a bit more sometimes, but all of the behaviors are still there regardless of her medication regimen and other treatment.

My x told me she was raped and has ptsd and I treated her like a rape victim

Thanks to an actual rape victim I found out she wasn't raped n it's BPD

I am going to second, Duped. Mine told me (while dumping me for the replacement she had been grooming) that she wasn't going anywhere, that we would always be best friends and she loved me.

It's funny what consummate actors they are. As she cried crocodile tears while holding me... .five minutes later the building manager showed up to change her locks.

I went NC (not that she reached out at all) and have been smeared horribly to many people who believe her words. Now removed from her for two years this May I can see how dysfunctional we were. In the first place, someone who cheats on you three or more times in your relationship, threatens RO's on you when they are taking a "break" from you, is not your best friend or anywhere near the definition of simply friend.

Oh and mine also claimed to have been raped several times. I don't discredit this because I take the subject of rape seriously HOWEVER, I am not so sure that wasn't used as a sympathy tactic in the "white knighting" stage of our relationship where I was her "rescuer". Throughout our relationship the stories changed to the point she was telling me she was raped by this woman in one sentence and in the next she was describing her rapist as one of the "most beautiful people" she's ever seen.

Was I supposed to be jealous of her "rapist"? It was crazy. The whole relationship was Emmy worthy had it been a soap opera and not the remaining, precious years of my 30's.

Mine made many loving promises and idealized me, I too, also made loving promises and idealized her in return. We both choked on some of those promises. The difference however, is I chose to try to adapt and try to have some modicum of realism in her ability to meet said promises and accepted. I feel she would hold onto promises made and would openly punish me and tell me how I let her down. This triggered my own fear of abandonment, fearing that she would leave and I began to behave more and more co-dependent, draining my finances, emotional health, and physical health. I realized this more when she sent me a final email telling me all these wonderful things she thought of me, but "cries for me every day" and "wants to enter into a relationship out of desire and not need". Ouch. Talk about feeling used and chucked out. It showed me that she was manipulative and exploitative, and admiringly, I let that happen. I have come to realize that she is also very good at setting people up in these roles (I am way more apprehensive when I receive over the top compliments from someone I barely know, big red flag). Her ex-husband shared with me after the fact that his experience was quite similar. There can never be any trust, she is a trigger for me now and an unsafe person to interact with. NC is the way to go.

It has been six years since my Ex broke up with me and his behaviour (through out the relationship and especially around our breakup) has left me so messed up in my head that I struggle to move on. I used to be a strong person with no complexes whatsoever and now I have severe trust issues. I am no longer able to take people and their words seriously.

He married behind my back while professing his undying love for me until the end, how I was a part of his soul and he couldn't even imagine a life without me. I cannot even express how devastating it was for me, when I learned about his marriage. Even after his marriage, he wrote me mails still professing his love for me. His betrayal left me so damaged, I was bedridden for more than a year. It took me more than three years to regain my physical health, but emotionally I haven't healed completely even today. I still cry myself to bed.

I loved him sincerely and in spite of how traumatic it was for me, I stood by him through everything.

I distinctly remember, twice over a period of five years, I was so hurt and empty I had reached a point where I could no longer deal with him and asked him to leave me alone. However, he begged and weeped, that if I am done with him, I am free to leave but he won't ever and won't even let me leave! That if I ever left him, he would prove it to the world what I meant to him and yet he could do all that he did to me eventually.

I believed him and everything he said, when ideally I shouldn't have.