BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am new to BPD. My 18 year hold has just been recently  diagnosed and I am looking for support with what to do as a parent.  My biggest concern is with trust- I want to believe and support my daughter but have been misled with half truths so many times in the past I am constantly having doubts.  She has made some bad choices and I want to believe her when she says she is not going to do this again, but ... . has anyone had to cope with this?  
 I know she has to live her life, but I feel she needs to stay away from friends from her past life if she is to make some progress as she tries to move forward.  She started therapy yesterday, so I hope this will help her make better choices.  
Help?

Hi there Pooky

Welcome to the forum. I'm very glad you found us and I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter's diagnosis. It's exhausting trying to cope with with the behaviours and it's like walking on eggshells.

My BPD is my adult son 26 who returned home after a crisis. He got dx at 24 and is a quiet BPD and doesn't rage. His teenager years were a rollercoaster so I understand what you are saying about bad choices and friendship groups.

I encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD. Take a look at the tools at the top of the right hand page and you'll find what you need. A big part is learning a better way to interact with your daughter. I found the more I learnt, the less I reacted to his behaviours. Good communication and validation skills are really important for them to feel that they are being heard and understood.

You've asked a direct question, how do we trust? Well that's not easy to answer. My BPDs has great difficulty dealing with every day challenges, he's extremely impetuous and has made some very bad choices. For a long time I had no trust but now I realise that he can't help the way he behaves. He's matured but also learnt by his mistakes but it takes him a number of times for it to be reinforced.

I raised him in an environment that it was bad to make mistakes. Actually, that's how we all learn. There's been many times he's just not been safe and I tried so very hard to change him. I finally accepted I can't change him, only the way I react to him.

I got to working on our core relationship and this has helped us so very much. He trusts me now - not to react so he no longer lies.

Its great news that your daughter is starting therapy. Is it DBT and how is she feeling about it?

There many in the forum who have teenage daughters and You'll gain a lot by reading through some posts.

What support do you have?

Baby steps as you navigate your way through this journey.

Hugs

LP

Hi Pooky
Like Lollypop, I want to welcome you to bpdfamily.
be assured we are all here to help each other, no judgement, just love, support and advice from one parent to another.
I am also sorry to hear about the dx with daughter, and understand the confusion about this illness. It is an overwhelming, all consuming hateful, non-discriminatory disease!
The good news is, people can and do get better, and you can help your daughter recover, by learning the best practices in dealing and communicating with her.
I agree with Lollypop about reading all of the information you can about BPD, Watch some of the you tube videos that people with BPD have made. those will help you to better understand what is happening internally with your daughter.
The lessons and tools here on this site will be helpful. practice using them in your daily life with everybody, not just your daughter. That will help you become proficient, to where it is the natural in which you respond.
Please continue to post and update us on how things are going. We are all here for you, and ready to help and advise.
Take care.

Hi Pooky,  

*welcome*

I'd like to join the others and welcome you too to the site. I can see how a dx with BPD would be scary, you got a lot of good advice so far, my suggestion is to read acredited medical information, there's a a lot of stuff online that's not balanced. I'd like to suggest a book for you, keep posting it helps a lot.

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/borderline-personality-disorder-demystified)

Hi there Pooky   right there with you with my BPD DD 17 and I'm in the exact same situation as yourself . It's so very hard to try and steer our girls towards " healthy minded " friends , my DD is drawn to circles whereby they all have issues ! This is where she feels comfortable and identifies with these kids more than the " normal "ones . Trouble is they all feed into each other's conditions and seem to take it in turns to be " the stable one" for a bit !
My DD is also a terrible liar and even when confronted by Indisputible evidence , she'll still lie ! Particularly when dysregulated , it's as if the lie has become her truth , her reality .
My DD is the classic low functioning BPD , she has all 9 criteria , self harm, attempted suicides and gestures , risky behaviors including promiscuous unsafe sex and substance abuse thrown in there too . It's an utter nightmare .
I just went to the pub and enjoyed a very large glass of pineapple cider with some friends . Chin chin ! By gosh I needed that :)