BPDFamily.com

I am finally at the point where I need to be strong and say no to the manipulation and abuse my separated spouse wBPD is inflicting on me. A therapist told me that he is using emotional blackmail on me to get what he wants-for me to accept his requests/demands for support/attention/affection. Recently he has escalated with his anger and has threatened me if I do not (fill in the blank). The very few times I was scared enough I said I might need to get police involved he said I would be sorry-mostly because he assumes that would ruin his ability to be with our children (s12 and d8).
I am scared of those threats by tired of living what feels like a hostage to his demands. I have never considered a RO but think it might be needed. Does anyone know if it can be separate from seeing the children-just to leave me alone unless we are doing pick up/drop offs?

I'm sorry you're going through this but it does sound like a good thing that you're seeking to protect yourself.  As I understand it an RO can be made for just one person, ie you (not the kids) but then arrangements would have to made related to pick up/drop off so that it isn't violated. 

Also, another option is that, at least in my state, there is the option to have drop/pick up be done while keeping the ex in the car and kids just go door to door, thereby prohibiting contact during those key moments.  That can be made as part of the custody agreement so I assume you could also make a motion for that particular request... .probably a lot easier too.

As Eve wrote, if the personal confrontations at exchanges are an issue, you can request that exchanges be made from a distance as she mentioned.  In my first few years of separation and divorce I exchanged my son at the local sheriff's office location centrally near the county seat.  Sometimes we went inside, sometimes we exchanged in the parking lot.  That didn't stop the confrontations or emotional blaming but it did limit them since a deputy was nearby.  Later as things eventually cooled down a bit we chose more convenient locations halfway between us such as a restaurant or a gas station that sold shakes and malts.  Now, a decade later, our son is in high school and we're doing the outside-the-house exchanges.

It's okay to try to include the children in an RO but be forewarned that if the court doesn't see the other parent as a risk to the children then the children may be excluded from it or your requested limits can be reduced to what the court decides is adequate.  Is it that bad that the children need some level of protection?  Or is this just for you mostly as the current 'target' of his ire?  My point is that you can include for your own sense of safety that you want some basic rules for exchanges, communication only about the children, etc.

My story... .when we first separated she rushed to domestic court to get an  TPO for herself and to block my contact with our preschooler.  Mind you, she was facing a case over in municipal court for Threat of DV (eventually found not guilty, another story) so she could not file there.  Domestic court had CPS look into the case and CPS reported at the hearing they had 'no concerns' about me or my parenting.  So the magistrate immediately excluded our son from her case.  But we did get a temp order where exchanges were ordered at the sheriff's office to reduce risk of incidents.

Summary... .  No one, not even your spouse, can demand you remain in a relationship.  As the saying goes, it takes two working together to make a success of marriage, but it only takes one to make it fail.  Nor can he demand that you do this or that.  Once you have a case filed, the court becomes The Real Authority.  Family court generally doesn't care much about the whys and wherefores, or who did what to whom, it's primary goal is to manage the ending with as little conflict as possible.  If you need distance from your spouse during the separation and divorce, court will agree to that.  If the children are impacted and need counseling or structured exchanges, court will agree to that too.  In short, little problems will be mostly ignored by the court.  If they rise to the level of being actionable, then the court will sit up and intervene, usually as minimally as possible.

When you say he threatens you, do you mean he specifically threatens bodily harm? Do you have this in writing or recording? There are state statutes that specify what would qualify as domestic violence in order to get a restraining order. I would check out the law for your state first.

You might want to focus on ways to reduce contact in order to reduce conflict. uBPDbm acts out at exchanges and in communication so we've taken all the measures we could to reduce the conflict. We only communicate via Our Family Wizard. Exchanges are at the police station only. When uBPDbm was filing false charges of DV and child abuse we would show up early and have a police officer wait with us for the exchange. Oh, and we didn't need an RO for that, we put it on our court order. ROs expire. COs last until the children are 18ish. :)