BPDFamily.com

Hi there!

I am a man from the Netherlands (32 years of age) and questioning the girl I am dating with.
Let's start of by saying that my brother seperated a woman that has been destroying lives all over the place (she clearly had the outgoing borderline, started after they had a kid and her mother died).
So I am really cautious in choosing my own girlfriend and perhaps to cautious and constantly looking for borderline symptoms in women I date, I am also a little bit too controlant I think.

6 months ago I met a woman (28 years of age) on the internet and we started dating. After some texting for 2 weeks I started sending her sexy halfnude pictures of myself (I was mainly looking for one thing first at that time and if more came out of it I would be very happy). Pretty soon she started sending stuff back, so I was like niceee a girl who just does what she wants, no shame. Not long after we met at my place, again I was the one who insisted on her coming to my place. I really liked her and we really had that click, humor was exactly the same and she seamed really like an open person to me, I like that in someone.
That night we ended up in bed and she left at about 3:00.
One thing that stayed in my head afterwards was that she had something done with her back 10 years ago and has like a metal cage in it to keep a strong back. She had anti depression pills for that to take the pain away because it was a chronical pain. They tried 2 other type of meds, painkillers and an anti eleptical med. This story checks out, she had a blog about beauty and if I check her messages on there of a couple years back it states exactly that. So I'm sure it wasn't for any psychological disorder.

In the weeks after this more stuff came up, a lot just because I asked for the right stuff I think. Here is a short description:
- Her parents divorced when she was 16 and a girlfriend died, she then started cutting in her arms for a couple weeks but never again after that, I kinda believe this, her scars look old.
- At the age of 20 the back problem started, she had been revalidating for 2 years, no school or work was allowd, they cut her open 3 times to fix her back
- When it was really bad here mother kicked her out of the house and she had to stay in an apartment with a hospital bed inside, couldn't do much, she got depressed again (which is normal imo!). She had suicidal thought but never did an attempt
- After a while she moved to her grandmother and got a little better there
- She started dating someone (a psych who had been a friend when she was younger), they stayed together
- After 3 years in this relationship they moved in together for 5 years (so 8 years total)
- She told me that he was really coldhearted though (probably because he was a psych she said) and after a year she kinda wanted to break up already but she had nothing else if she did so she stayed with him
- He wasn't very good in bed, don't know if that matters
- A year before they broke up she started studying, because she had no degree yet or whatsoever
- After they broke up, couple months later they got together again and accidentaly she got pregnant, he didn't want to keep it and they let it take away, they seperated again
- She started seeing someone from school immediately after but after 2 months she noticed that he was already married and had a child, so that ended, they had a really active sexual relationship, she told me because of her ex and a lot of bad sex years long
- 3 or 4 months after this she started dating again and then we met... .
- For the past year she was living at her dads and moms place, switching like every week or so

Some things in the beginning really set of the alarmbells but I wanted to give her a chance, because it could be me, that I am way to cautious and I wanted to take a leap of faith:
- The scars on her arm and shoulder (one arm only)
- Her very heavy history of pain, divorcing parents, death of her favorite dog, grandmother she lived with, a girlfriend when she was young, an old friend she stopped contacting and killed himself a couple weeks after
- 2 of her friends are different, one has an eating disorder, the other one was sexual abused and has no friends I think, both seem kinda depressed, 2 other friends are normal (a female and a gay male) and she has known them since she was young, she sees those like once a month
- Before we met I already had the sense she was falling in love with me, this scared me, because how can that be if you never met? I sensed this because she was sending smileys with hearts and stuff a lot...
- She often was in bed early at night (20:00) because of her pain and the anti depression meds she took, going to school once every 4 weeks was hard and she had to go to bed early those days for example
- She is a bit impulsive, not like a lot, just a bit for my taste
- She is a bit childish, sometimes I feel she has a bit of lack for responsibility towards herself, she likes pinkish stuff a lot
- She feels insecure about herself and lonely I think (not weird ofcourse after everything she has been through and me asking everything)
- She had suicidal thoughts when her back was really bad and she was in an appartement alone, she told me she went to the top of the building, but mostly just to get a feeling again that she has her life in her controll
- She doesn't get mad, she used to get mad when she was young but that wasnt appreciated or something she told me, she learned to controll that anger
- If I get mad at her because she didnt answer my texts she kinda starts to ignore me a bit and later that day she looks like shes really feeling bad that I ask her so much and controll her so much
- She often needs confirmation
- It looks like she doesn't really have her own will but lets me decide over everything

All of the problems I had with her were via phone (texts and calls) and when she was with me there was like nothing wrong with her, she seemed strong, little impulsive,

After one month of dating I had doubts if I could go on with all my fears... .so one morning after we slept together I told her that we should maybe take it easy and just have sexdates and maybe even meet other people because I thought I might never get over her history and stuff. Somehow that went really well (while I thought she was in love with me... .she is kinda extreme in loving emotions), she really took it well. She was like, alright well do you still wanna see me or just quit everything? I was like well if you take it this well, we might aswell just still have sex every now and then... .

Then one month later she told me a guy asked her out and I kinda freaked out, I was like how could you do that? We were getting really close feelings and I stopped meeting other women because of that. This came as a big surprise for her but after two days she accepted everything and we started a more serious relationship.

For me a big problem started around this time, maybe 2 weeks before the serious thing:
She has a phone without internet, only wifi. Like one or two times a week she was suddenly gone in the evening and started texting me again the next morning. So she didn't answer my texts that night. Sometimes not even if I send them right after she sended me something (she often was in bed at those times). This was weird for me because on other days we texted until we went asleep and at least say sleepwell and stuff... .Most of times she said she was just so tired and fell asleep... .
She always had a story the next morning why she was away if she wasnt online the whole evening, all of them could be true but I had doubts. So I always started asking what happend the next morning and there always was a story (like 6 times in 3 months there was something wrong with her phone or she went out with her mom).

I then noticed that some of the moments she went quiet at night happend after I wasn't very nice to her during the day, she was often asked me stuff for attention and sometimes I might have been a little to rude to her just to test her. One time she asked, "why, do you miss me?" and I answered something like "no not really " and then she stopped texting or just a couple of short answers in the evening and then offline or just no answer until the next morning.

One time she was tired in bed and I was at the cinema with a friend, she was ok with that, we texted until 20:30. I texted her again at 23:00 how she was doing, she answered, I texted immediately after that  I was at the pub with a friend, she didnt answer. Until the next day at 12:30 when I started getting a little mad again she started answering, but no texts that morning like "sorry that i didnt answer I fell asleep".

So there were occasions when I thought that she deliberately did not answer me because I was doing something fun with friends or because I was a little rude to her during the day (which I sometimes did on purpose to test if she would freak out). I thought she deliberately shut of her wifi or sometimes I even thought she would go out with some other dude on impulse... .

While this all was going on for a couple months I obviously started reading about borderline (my strongest fear) and how it could be connected to all of her things. She never got really mad so I was like hmmm what could it be, and then I read about the WAIF version. I noticed a lot of stuff in there that she has... .
I really like this woman though, we have a lot of fun and she is really my type when it comes to humor and she is intelligent. We always have a good time when we are together (until I start asking heavy questions though, she might answer them for a while and suddenly say "then why are we still even together"?).
Early this week I told her I wanted to quit because of all of those communication things that make me think like she is not "ok", that she suddenly goes dark at sometimes without letting me know (and have an excuse the next day). Right after she finally got mobile internet and got of the meds after a testing period of 2 years. She took it really well again and asked me why and so on, asked me if we would stay friends and I was like well why not... .The next day she started asking deeper questions though as to why
we were quitting, I stayed strong, but started asking the important questions. She answered that those offline moments and stuff were never mood related, she understands that it would totally scare me off (she knew my concerns)

But I still have doubts now days after...  I can't get over it, was I just to controllant because the offline moments were my biggest problem? Am I trying to hard to put a tag on here?(borderline WAIF) Or was I always right? Am I pushing HER away everytime I became controllant? Do I have issues myself? Did I scare her of and make her feel insecure myself? Can I even trust a woman? Why didnt she freak out when I told her I wanted to quit, she blames herself a bit more for it than me... .so she doesnt blame me... .

What I currently want is, to try it again and stop trying to put a freaking tag on her. Get over my own problems and give her a REAL chance.

Sorry for my bad English
I really hope I could get some insights from you guys because this is to hard for me to do on my own.

Oh one more thing that really scared me, when she scrolls through the news on her phone or something she told me that she deliberatley doesnt open some of them because they can be so heavy for her. Especially she said stuff about animals... .

I have asked her if she would wanna meet again but she doesn't want to.
2 days ago she was asking all kinds of stuff about us and what I want and what not, I couldn't give her a simple answer at that time. And now she doesn't want to meet.

I really don't get it, for me it feels like one those moments again where she gives all kinds of signals and stuff, asking for confirmation. And when I do come with something it's like "no thanks". Right after she texts me that she doesn't want to meet and with her reasons she asks me "what do you think?". So weird, how does that matter after you just told me that it's done?
Also something I always noticed if I asked something, she starts asking me questions... .
Like I had to make every decision, even the ones she should make herself.

After all I would have given it a chance though, but maybe this is just better for me and for her. Think I'm gonna need some time to get over her because of all the good and deep things she said about us, even last week.

Still would love some feedback from you guys about all this 

After reading a good portion of that I think you're being overly cautious too early.

If she had chronic back pain and went through a rough depression because of deaths of loved ones it could be understandable if she had suicidal thoughts. When a person has no serious issues and are having these thoughts that's a sign of mental illness. If it's situational and stops after the healing occurs it is actually not all that uncommon.

BPD symptoms include risky sexual behavior... .sending topless photos to a potential new lover isn't all that risky anymore. Technology and the general lack of religion and sexual morals in the world today has made this common even though our grandparents are probably rolling over in their graves.

The fact that she never gets mad almost guarantees that she does not have BPD. The rage associated with BPD is what makes dating anyone diagnosed with it such an unstable undertaking

In my opinion, any sex-dating type of relationship, where it's made to satisfy needs and not as a commitment is more or less a fling. Especially more so if it's a short term relationship. And, in those short term flings, you have nothing to loose by ending it. If she's doing with you, she's doing it with someone else more than likely.  Although she may or may not be mentally disordered, I think your expectations for her are too high.  She might be posting on another forum right now opining that you are controlling and narcissistic.  I'm not saying I see those traits, I'm just musing that this is the nature of immature relationships.  You are both concerned about what the other is doing, but still concerned most about what you are getting. 

At face value, I don't think the girl is crazy.  She likes pink, acts immature, likes animals, has a medical history, has a psych history that she's disclosed (or not) and is dealing with. She's had rocky times with past boyfriends and parents.  She could be borderline, or human, or both.
Understand this, that even with a wholesome and healthy significant other, relationships take - and relationships give.  There's never a perfect match.  They take work, and without work, they will wither. 

Nevertheless, if you serious have reservations, there's not a bad way or bad time to end a questionable short-term relationship.  What's your gut say?

You can always go with it a little while and live and learn.  Don't father a child unless you are dead certain you can be a father at 100%.