BPDFamily.com

A little background first. to make a long story short my mother has been tested by professionals and has BPD. Growing up I became self reliant and withdrawn to protect myself from the environment. After I was told this I read everything about it and two that really helped me were the book called a child called it and also the book called understanding a borderline mother. The book a child called it made me realize I wasn't the only one done this way. I was not physically abused but mentally. The understanding a borderline mother made me realize I was the lost child as per the book.As I looked into this from that book or other resources it  even described reoccurring dreams I have to a T.  From what I read lost children have this dream. Growing up I never had encouragement and due to how I was treated I have low self confidence and wondered then if I was mentally ill due to that treatment.

Due to learning to be self reliant I learned to do for myself and have done well I feel for myself. I also got married and have had a happy life since childhood. My inlaws and wife have built up my confidence. As far as my wife goes she can be very outspoken and tell you off in a heartbeat. She can also be cruel,others have told her stuff she said is cruel. But all in all we get along.  :)ue to the stress from dealing with my mother I have had issues such as high blood pressure. Growing up I  thought something was wrong with my family structure so I have worked hard to not repeat this. I tried to be there for my child and wife. I also have a hard time expressing myself and due to this sometimes I have a hard time defending myself. I thought I had done well and come out of my shell. I think my biggest thing is I have low self confidence.

With that said many in my moms family I suspect has BPD. I have two uncles I am close to that I feel like do not. They do not treat others bad,manipulate or harass like the others.
I think I am close to them as we have similar life and personality. Recently we have been dealing with my wifes brother who is extremely cruel,self centered and for the lack of a better word a bully. Their mom died and he took her to court since she was the executor of the estate. It was taken out of her hands and put in a third party. With that said that issue is mostly over. This has caused us both a lot of grief. As far as my family goes we have been dealing with them somewhat lately. As far as they go no matter what I do it is never right or enough for many of them. My mom is elderly and my youngest uncle just turned 70. I am in my early 50s.

With that said I have a question. Although I have not been tested I do think I am the lost child. I had wondered if I was borderline myself after I found out my mom was. But I don't think so due to all I have read about Borderline,children of borderlines points that I am the lost child. I look back and my actions for the most part were not like a borderline but were like the lost child. I do not hold grudges, I do not try to manipulate people. I really watched this when our daughter was growing up and encouraged her as I did not want to do to her like I was done.

Yesterday we were eating and discussing a aunt I have that is sick. While we were talking we got to talking about how my family was and my wife and daughter told me I was like my mom and they thought I had BPD. I was floored and I told them that I did not think I had it. I asked why and they said the reason was sometimes I would get upset if they criticized me. I then explained the reason I acted like that was that due to the way I was raised I never learned how to  take things but I try. Due to not being able to express things I sometimes in situations like that don't say much as I do not know how to. they told me that borderlines don't see it in themselves which is true. This floored me . One thing I strived so hard to do is to try my best to not treat others like my mom.

So my question is how do I deal with this. Do I have it as well? I tend to think since my wife is so outspoken and my daughter is as well they said that. I also encouraged my wife to read the book borderline mothers which she hasn't read all of it. I will have t say after that I am hurt to the core by her more than anything she has ever said. I think if she would just read the book she would realize it fits me to a t. For those of you familiar with this how would you respond? How would it make you feel. Am I off in thinking my personality is just the lost child and not the borderline. the bad thing is when you never had self confidence something like this can destroy any you have. How can I reply to this to my wife who tends to be very outspoken and can express herself extremely well while I cannot? When I get put in situations like this I do not have the best skills to defend myself.  I would love to hear from those who are a "lost child".

I feel like there is really only one way to find out for sure: meet with a professional and be tested.  And then perhaps even seek a second opinion if you feel compelled to do so.

At any rate, I don't ever think that a trip to a therapist is a wasted visit.  Even well adjusted people can benefit from someone really listening objectively to them!

 Hi  willyintn:
Good to see you again  

BPD can be either genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  It's common for normal people to have a couple traits of BPD in varying degrees, or a trait or two might be an issue during stressful/emotional periods in our lives.  

You may be right in thinking that your wife and daughter have BPD traits.  Commonly, people with strong BPD traits can tend to think that others have the problem and not them.

Debating about labels doesn't really solve anything.  What matters most is dealing with undesirable traits and taking steps to change and improve things.

One quick way to try and evaluate yourself is to look over the list below and determine if you have at least five (5) of the traits listed.

When parents are critical and overbearing, it is common for their children to have issues with expressing themselves and with self confidence.  Children of disordered parents can have issues with being codependent.  You might want to read this article and let us know what you think:
EMESHMENT AND CODEPENDENCE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0)

Generally BPD doesn't stand alone.  Typically people with BPD have other mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression.  Even if children of BPD parents don't have BPD, they can struggle with issues of anxiety and depression and a couple of BPD traits during their lifetime.

There is a lot of information on this website that can be helpful to you to learn certain strategies and communication techniques that can improve the way you communicate with others and feel like you are in control.  The skills can improve your emotional intelligence.  Even though your wife may have some bad communication habits, you can change the dynamics by just altering the way your respond.  It can take some practice, but small steps in the right direction can lead to steady improvement.

The articles and lessons below can be helpful for you.  Check them out and let us know what you think.  Are there some boundaries you could set?  Could the JADE and SET skills help you?

BOUNDARIES (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS (Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all)

SET (Support, Empathy and Truth)  (http://www.https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)

Thanks for the replies. As far as testing myself I wouldn't know about how to get started. I use to think I was crazy as a kid but then when I got grown I realized not everyone had a childhood like mine. As far as the traits for BPD I do not have them or at least I don't think I do. I am not impusive I am not quick to get angry. I am not sucidal or feel empty with my life. I am content with my life. I read up everything on this subject I could as I wondered why in years passed I had little esteem in myself. I realized after reading it was quite normal with children of BPD at times. But with the help of my inlaws encouraging me and then finding all this out I feel even better about myself. I due think I fit the profile of the Lost child I read about in the borderline personality book.

I think my wife is going through a lot. She lost her mom last year and her dad a few years ago. She also in a sense lost her brother due to his actions and she is hurt by him to the point she no longer wants him in her life. Then yesterday we found out my aunt may have only a few months to live as she is at stage 4 of cancer. My wife worked with her and was close to her, she is the one who introduced us to each other. She has lost everyone she was close other than myself and our daughter. Our daughter just got out of college and she is not completely on her own. This has caused us stress as well. She also is not helping out around the house even though she is living with us most of the time. She also has a superior attitude with us at times I guess from just graduating. I think maybe my wife had a lot on her and just snapped at me which our daughter joined in, this wouldn't be the first time she has done this. I think also with why real issues of not being able explain and voice myself at times causes me trouble. Many times if she fusses at me I will withdraw just so I won't snap and take it. So I let it pass. I have decided if she asks I will tell her how I feel. I will let her know in almost 30 years of marriage hurt me more than anything she has said. I will also ask if she has the same distain for me as she shows for my mother. We have never had serious issues in our marriage and have always got along. We get along and enjoy doing things together. But this has hurt me to the core. I will also ask her to read the entire book on borderline mothers and not just the part about mothers. I think it would explain to her a lot of the way I am if she would read the lost child part. Any way thanks for the advice.

Hi again, Willyintn:    
Sounds like, per the Diagnostic Criteria referenced in a prior post, you wouldn't wear the label of BPD.

Can you identify which traits apply to your mom?  Is your mom still alive?

I'm so sorry about your aunt's cancer prognosis. I hear that she had special meaning for both of you.  Sounds like your wife has a lot going on that could cause her to snap.  Losing loved ones can cause a lot of stress and emotions.  

I can understand how you would want you wife to validate your feelings and experiences.  Most people can't understand how devastating growing up with a BPD mom can be.  Your wife was insensitive, when she told you she thought you had BPD.  Unfortunately, your daughter joined her. That had to be hurtful.   It sounds like they don't really know how BPD is defined.

Maybe you may need to let some time pass. Perhaps, after the passing of your aunt, you will find a time when your wife can be available to share your book with you.  Maybe you both could go through it chapter by chapter and discuss the things you lived through as a child.

In the meantime, in the right hand margin, there is a Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse. Maybe it would be good for you to take some time and go through the steps.  As you click on each item number, a pop-up box will appear.  Give it a try, it could be helpful for you.

Take care.  

As far as my mom goes she is still alive but she doesn't have anything to do with me. I let her call me. She told me she didn't want me to come over and not to call. She also told me she wasn't going to worry about anyone but my sister so I just let her contact me after that. At the same time she was telling me this to stay away she was telling others I didn't care about her I found out later. As far as her having BPD I didn't make the call but I asked the home health agency who was checking on her to see if she had Alzheimers. They  tested her and said she had it.

Some of the traits listed and other traits I have seen on other BPD tests I have seen for myself I have seen her do. A few years ago I found out due to taking over her finances due to her being in the hospital she had about the same in retirement checks as my wife and I make but she was bouncing checks all over. She has everything paid off. She was bailing my nephew out of jail and paying his bills while neglecting hers. Another time she wound up in the hospital due to a drug overdose due to her pill poping for a lack of a better word. There are lots of things she does that points to BPD .

As far as my wife goes when I came home my wife asked what was wrong. I let her know how that had hurt me. I also explained that I had a hard time explaining how I feel and had a hard time putting things to words. I also explained I knew I had issues such as self confidence due to how I was raised but I tried hard not to allow myself to be like my mom. I also explained again that the reason I got distant and didn't talk at times was due to I get my thoughts and words confused when someone fusses at me so I don't say anything to hurt them. I also explained that while my mom will say hurtfull things to control people I try my best to not hurt people.

After explaining how I felt she then told me that she didn't mean to hurt me. She said she said it wrong and that she meant to say was due to how she treated me it had effected me mentally for example my self confidence. I told her I aggreed with that but I told her from what I have read and understood about the lone child they have issues with this wich I believe I would be classified as a lone child. She also told me I had come a long way in getting over my moms treatment of myself. I went to the Dr. last week for my annual checkup and we also talked about it. I had explained after I found out a few years ago she had BPD that I wondered if that had caused a lot of issues with my blood pressure. I told him this last visit that this past year I had not allowed my mom or her siblings to stress me out. He told me that it was ok to be angry over her actions and I explained to him I let that go a few years ago and that I try not to be mad at her.  I said I see her BPD as a sickness just like being a diabetic or having cancer. I said I can't hold her sickness against her but I could keep it from stressing me or allowing her to control me. He told me I was doing extremely well with it. I do not see myself as a victim but as a survivor of my childhood.

As far as this goes I see no reason to be mad at my wife. She did tell me I was like her but I can accept she may have got her thoughts mixed up. I get things mixed up. So thanks for the help as I was needing advice. As far as therapy if I have a chance I will. Many of the people I work with in the education field have training in this and I have talked with them some. It has helped tremendously to talk to them and others. For the most part I have every day troubles like everyone else and I am happy and content with my life. I try my best to not get mad or angry. I would like to have a parent/child relationship with my mom but thats up to her. As I will not allow her controlling mind games work on me. So thanks again for all the comments.