BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I've been struggling to come to peace with my breakup with my ex for a long time now. She recently called and said (in essence) that she still thinks about me a lot and wonders whether she made the right decision to break up (we've been broken up for about 10 months). The conversation went okay I guess-- I still love her and told her so--- and didn't end with any sense of what next steps were, except that she'd call me in a couple of days. It's been a week and no word from her. I sent her a little message saying hello and asking about how the rest of her week went but I didn't hear back. I'm struggling with her not getting in contact at all after our phone call last week and would love some advice. What would be the best path forward in terms of maintaining good terms (not necessarily getting back together)? Here are the different options that I can see:

1) Stay silent myself as well-- don't reach out any more
2) Tell her how I'm feeling (hurt and confused)
3) Try to stay optimistic and not worry


What do you all think? Thanks so much for thinking with me about this. 

My vote goes for a combination of options one and three, plus a healthy dose of option four.

You tried to reach out, now it's on her. Don't chase, it's not attractive. Try to stay optimistic, but don't go overboard and develop expectations. Just be you and live your life according to your own terms. THAT is attractive!

I can relate to your situation.  My BPD ex reached out after 5 months to say she "never meant to hurt m,e I was her everything and I loved you".   As much as I wanted to respond, I didn't, even though I still love her.  She did so many disrespectful things, took me for granted, silent treatment, constant lies,manipulation,triangulation, that talking to her Id only be devaluing myself and getting caught in her web.  You need to ask yourself this... .Do you want more drama in your life?  Do you want your heart broken anymore than it already has?  Or do you want to eventually find someone who will value you?   It hurts me to say these things cause she was the TLOML.  Their love is nothing more than a mirage in the dessert/fantasy.

Pipestove,

I'm sorry that you experienced what you did with your ex. Because BPD is a spectrum disorder, it is unfair to claim that one person's experience with someone who presents traits of the disorder is going to be the same as another's.

Sure, there are parallels and commonalities that can be found among our collective experiences. But, the reality is that each person is unique and so are the situations in which they find themselves.

For instance, some of those who fall on the BPD spectrum are high functioning and willing to work on their disorder. Others may be high functioning and unwilling to do the work necessary to learn healthier coping mechanisms.

You made the decision to not respond when your ex reached out because, presumably, that was the right decision for you. I'm on the opposite end of that spectrum. I made the decision to respond to my ex. Because I responded, I now have someone in my life that I can call a friend. She was someone who had split me black for almost a decade and thought I was a monster. I was able to use the tools taught here to change her opinion of me and maintain my dignity and self-respect in the process.

As for your questions about drama and heartbreak, no one is responsible for protecting us against those things except us. We are responsible for defining and maintaining our boundaries. Those things happen when we value ourselves rather than looking to an outside source to give us value. This is why we talk about the need to be emotionally strong to be in a relationship with a person who exhibits BPD traits.

Still no word from her after telling me she loved me and was thinking about getting back together with me. I've done okay with not reaching out to her, but it is so darn confusing.

Yeah, it is very confusing KC. At some point, I just gave up on trying to understand it all and just accepted what is. To do that, I had to let go of the idea that I would ever know what she was actually thinking and just worry about what I was doing. When I did that, it all got so much easier.

That is a really good point. She finally did get back in touch today, apologizing for both the phone call and for not contacting me afterwards. She explained that she had been drinking but had rejoined AA and was really enjoying it (and found a great mentor/sponsor). 

I am so heartened by your success story Meili, and these words of yours: "Because I responded, I now have someone in my life that I can call a friend... .I was able to use the tools taught here to change her opinion of me and maintain my dignity and self-respect in the process." What tools in particular were helpful? What have been some of the particular moments that were important in building the friendship?

Listening with empathy and not being invalidating have been huge for me in the process. All these years later, she still brings up things that she falsely accused me of when we were together. Rather than defending myself, I've been listening to her, validating the valid when it exists, but not invalidating what she is saying. It has helped her open up and talk to me more about things.

I've also been able to successfully use S.E.T. to clear up a few very large misunderstandings. She feels that I actually care, and did care, about her now.

My defining and maintaining my boundaries has helped as well. I am no longer willing to listen to her talk about certain things or to me in certain ways. Nor will I try to fix things for her or do work that she can easily do herself.

All of it is pretty basic stuff, and admittedly, it's a pretty basic relationship. We talked for bit about getting back together after all of these years. Ultimately, she's decided that she hasn't changed enough and fears that she would be a disappointment to me, so we don't talk of it anymore.