BPDFamily.com

I posted last night for the first time, on "improving a relationship... .", but where I actually belong is on this thread.  I am so conflicted.
After 2 months of wonderful/puzzling/fun/loving/scary/ infuriating dating, I was at a loss to understand why my boyfriend could, or would not respect my boundaries, flip flopped from one emotion to the next at lightning speed, and did not comprehend he was suffocating me with his constant attention, relentless and often inappropriate touching- and of course, much more.  I had never know someone with such a gentle spirit, yet astonishingly, so little self awareness.  Never any signs of violence, or rage, but a constant need for contact, through any means possible.
I tried giving him what he wanted something of the time, reasoning with him, communicating with him. I tried having him repeat back to me what I had just shared with him about my feelings and needs- he tried, but only made it through 1/2 of a sentence before he transformed what I said into something completely different.  It was amazing, and exhausting.

Somehow, we were able to laugh about it, and move on. Sometimes he scared me- sometimes I saw him watching me from afar. But all the while I was watching like a hawk, withdrawing more and more from him as time went on.  It was getting frightening and really weird.  The last night we were together, having dinner at a cafe- he dropped a bomb- out of the blue he said he had been diagnosed with Personality Disorder.  I stayed up most of the night reading and researching- and the puzzle pieces fell together.  The next day he was chill and didn't bug me until the evening- when he sent 15 texts in one hour. The texts started out calm, escalated to frantic, and then back to calm, self -depreciating and blaming his lack of control on his "illness". I did not respond to his texts, but decided that it was best to initiate NC, because from what I had learned the night before, was that nothing I might try would change a thing, and that likely he couldn't change a thing himself.  I wrote him a sensitive, kind, loving email- and in it  was very clear about what NC means, and that we are not a couple, not dating, and that we have no relationship.

I blocked him from texting and calling my cell- and made it so that his emails went to spam, so that I wouldn't see them.  He lives right down the road from my shop- we can see each others places so easy. My house is out in the boonies, and he has not come out there. He has been sending me emails this whole past month- I saw them when I looked in the spam, and I deleted them. But then I started to look at them- each one is a new image of his photography- they are stunning. Then a couple weeks ago, I um-spamed him. He send 3-4 emails a week. I look at them but don't respond.

Anyway, I am longing so hard to see him now.  All along I have missed him so bad. It got better for a while, but the last week has been brutal. And he is just ... .right over there... .! This morning after reading and reading on these message boards I thought I had a handle on it, thought that I was clear that I need to keep away, and let the spell wear off. Then this afternoon- it was all back, and so strong.

We never had a convo about his BPD, or what he does or doesn't do about it, what it means to him, how he feels it affects him- what it means to me- is it manageable- none of that. I wrote my "She's moving on" letter, and shut the door, the day after he told me about it.  My work neighbors say that sometimes they've seen him lingering around outside my shop early in the morning after he has gone for his run- but I've never seen him here. He has been very careful, (respectful?) about that.  When I catch a glimpse of him over at his house, my heart leaps.

I miss the fun parts. I miss his voice, his humor, his music, and his companionship, when things felt balanced. They came at a big price though, and I haven't forgotten that, and I don't want to pay that price again.  It sucks that in such a short time he love bombed me so bad, that ultimately I fell- actually not until after we were apart, and I had time to process the reality- that I saw his perseverance despite the sad, isolating human frailty he lives with , which some how has made him even more lovable to me.

I read one thing about BPD and thing there is no hope for any semblance of normalcy, then read another, and it is full of hope-

Does the missing stop? Do we deserve a conversation- or will that simply open the flood gated for more pain and loss, for both of us?  Do I simply continue to love him from a distance?  Did I devastate him emotionally? I tried to strike a balance between what I needed, and what I thought would be gentlest on him.  He is probably all over things like Match.com- looking for a new woman; his need for love is extreme.  He seems to be home almost all of the time. Inside, working on the computer no doubt.

 Argggghhhhhh. How do you sort this out?  Does it go away?