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Title: When she paints you white again Post by: stamusic on April 11, 2017, 02:27:32 AM A couple days ago my BPD ex reached out to me and it seems she's painted me white again. She's being really apologetic, very sweet, says she misses me, and even calling me pet names again. She's even up for seeing me this evening which was a surprise to me.
What tips can you give me? I've already planned in my head the 'standing my ground and respecting myself' speech, mentioning how I refuse to be pushed away, and if she wants space she needs to tell me and not black me out ect. I do plan on being with her and working everything out, supporting her through everything and I've heard she has gone from doing DBT therapy once a week to twice a week which is amazing. So what else should I make sure I do or say this evening? Thanks! S Title: Re: When she paints you white again Post by: once removed on April 11, 2017, 10:15:38 AM I've already planned in my head the 'standing my ground and respecting myself' speech, mentioning how I refuse to be pushed away, and if she wants space she needs to tell me and not black me out ect. careful treading with trying to set boundaries: theyre not rules for others so much as theyre rules for yourself. you cant stop her from pushing you away (after all, that is a boundary of sorts), and you cant count on her to communicate that she needs space and not block you out. you really only have control over how you respond. in any event, you have a good opportunity here, with seeing her. id keep it light. its early to lay down the terms of a relationship. Title: Re: When she paints you white again Post by: Skip on April 11, 2017, 10:29:00 AM I've already planned in my head the 'standing my ground and respecting myself' speech, mentioning how I refuse to be pushed away, and if she wants space she needs to tell me and not black me out ect. This might make you feel better, but it is not the best way to reconcile. 1. When you go back, the only possibly of success is that something has to change significantly. 2. She will expect that of you and if you expect that of her - boom, zing, crash. This is an opportunity to redesign your participation in your relationship. Look for what you think will work, define who you are in that, and then be it. We're happy talk about that here. As for boundaries... .this is a good read: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries Title: Re: When she paints you white again Post by: stamusic on April 13, 2017, 05:55:00 AM This might make you feel better, but it is not the best way to reconcile. 1. When you go back, the only possibly of success is that something has to change significantly. 2. She will expect that of you and if you expect that of her - boom, zing, crash. This is an opportunity to redesign your participation in your relationship. Look for what you think will work, define who you are in that, and then be it. We're happy talk about that here. As for boundaries... .this is a good read: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries Thanks Skip and Once Removed! The night went really well, better than I expected. We both talked it all out very maturely. She cleared up my confusion since she had told me that when she kept telling me to move on and how she doesn't feel the same anymore... It was her way to push me away, and also test me, when really she wanted me and said was miserable without me. I was very understanding and told her I'm always going to be here for her, but she needs to talk to me and be open if she wants/needs space or a timeout, otherwise we'll be back to how we started and said she's definitely working on her communication skills and will help herself and us both out. Skip, you mentioned redesigning my participation in my relationship - do you mean how I communicate with her? Or my position/role in the relationship? Would appreciate an example! Big thanks, S x |