BPDFamily.com

I am looking for any advice on practical steps to take with a spousewBPD (undiagnosed and in denial) to get him to realize he can't just do and say anything he wants because he is struggling and can't deal with our separation. This isn't new (we have been separated for 6 years!) but he is resisting the final divorce and physical separation as I am now getting stronger and he is diving down into disbelief. I know he is not rational in his thinking and doesn't/can't care about the negative affect he is having on my well being when he tells (not asks) that he is coming to my house-that he thinks he has a right to because our children (8 and 12) live mostly with me and he can't maintain stable living or job situation. I really don't want it to get uglier than it has started to lately with his rage building and his rants about what am I doing to help, that his anger is because I don't listen to him... .that he thinks his verbal abuse and emotional blackmail is somehow justified because he sees me as the cause of his separation from his children. His repeated infidelity is the root cause of our marriage break up-but it would be too much for him to take ownership of that. I have begged and pleaded with him to get help for his anger, for his pain, for our well being but he refuses. How do I get him to leave me alone? I keep telling him I am willing to work to help him have more balanced time with the kids, but that I want to have peace and no always be in conflict. I am worn out, ready to take more steps to taking care of myself, but his pushback is overwhelming.

I assume there is a custody stipulation in process along with the divorce.  A filed stipulation would be a good first boundary.  What,  specifically, is in process? Do you let him in the house? I imagine it would be hard to tell him to get lost if he's pounding on the door given the kids. 

The arrangement that was drawn up was joint legal custody and we had not worked out physical custody arrangements when he chose to not be involved in the process anymore. Knowing him for 20 years, he follows rules when he wants to and they suit him and will ignore other times-I told the lawyer it didn't matter what was decided for child support because he would pay if he had it/wanted to and not otherwise.
I do let him in because I am afraid of the blow up and how much more drama it creates if I resist. I try to talk to him in calm moments, but he even gets upset then because he says I am looking at the negative and that I am being petty about "my house" when his well being and his relationship with the kids should be more important. I'm worn out from trying to reason with him, and when I find the strength to say my limits (I do not want you to come or stay at my house) he laughs it off or gets angry and says I'm trying to be a tough b-. I have thought about taking the kids and I to my parents house near by but I know he would find that an act of defiance and me getting in the way of him being with the kids. How can I get him... .or can I... .to see that he can't do whatever he wants and to stand my ground that he cannot stay at my house. I'm scared if I have to get the police involved that it will push him over the edge.

Though it might be necessary at some point,  the police would definitely be an escalation.

So it sounds like the physical custody aspect is in limbo,  not filed? Without a clear court order, law enforcement involvement can be complicated.  They will want to see a stipulation (given no clear safety threat they have to deal with). 

Have you taken a look at the lessons on the Improving Board, the communication tools in Lesson 3?

Have you thought about calling a local Domestic Violence hotline to obtain guidance? It might be a good idea as they could help you formulate a long term plan.