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Title: Aware of any studies? Post by: Someday . . . on April 14, 2017, 09:59:02 AM First let me apologize to the admins - this is not my first post by any means. It has been sometime since I last posted or been on this site and totally forget my user name and password so started from scratch again. Would you please post this in co-parenting after the split?
I have a dear friend who just asked me if I knew of a study that the following situation is detrimental to children. Here is the situation and if anyone can help, I would truly appreciate it. Situation: my friend's ex gf is diagnosed BPD. After years of his ex gf being volatile, endangering the children etc., my friend got custody (he is a phenomenal father!). His ex is allowed to call every other night and see the kids on Friday/the weekend. Every other day when she talks to the kids, she says ":)o you know what day this is? And how many days until Friday? And what's Friday? It's going to be soo much fun! I can't wait to see you, just X more days to see you and we are going to have so, so, so, much fun!" The situation has become a problem as now the boys see the time spent with their father as a prison sentence and that their mother is helping them see the light at the end of the tunnel. The kids now ask daily, how many more days do we have to wait to see mom? Does anyone know a citation in literature that shows how this is undermining to the full time parent or how this situation might be detrimental to children? This situation has changed the mindset of the children involved, and thus undermined their 'happy home'. Thanks in advance for any studies you know! Title: Re: Aware of any studies? Post by: livednlearned on April 14, 2017, 03:10:20 PM How old are the kids?
I don't know of any studies but it seems like BPD mom is making a classic move where she tries to enmesh her feelings onto theirs. The best antidote to that is validation, or asking the kids to reflect on how they feel when they're at moms. She may be able to behave consistently for short periods of time, and maybe their time with her is wonderful. My experience, tho, is that BPD parents find it stressful to take care of kids and can neglect pretty basic stuff. Some validating questions could help the kids connect with their own feelings so they aren't completely surfing their mom's. This all goes back to parental alienation tactics. Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison is pretty good for starters. Title: Re: Aware of any studies? Post by: Skip on April 17, 2017, 02:03:07 PM His ex is allowed to call every other night and see the kids on Friday/the weekend. Every other day when she talks to the kids, she says ":)o you know what day this is? And how many days until Friday? And what's Friday? It's going to be soo much fun! I can't wait to see you, just X more days to see you and we are going to have so, so, so, much fun!" The situation has become a problem as now the boys see the time spent with their father as a prison sentence and that their mother is helping them see the light at the end of the tunnel. Disneyland mom syndrome *) Annoying? Yes. Parental alienation? No. He has custody and she is competing for their affection. The problem is that this is no different than if a grandmother did it. I think the best thing to do is just go with it and don't let the kids see you competing for their approval. It's a marathon... . |