BPDFamily.com

Over the past few months I got pulled in to becoming involved with my BPD ex wife that I do care about deeply. She has had a rough road and was struggling and did not have the ability to help herself get into a position to help herself.

I have been through this before and should have known better, have been involved for many years, I have put up with many many things just to protect our children, two wonderful daughter's one biologically mine the other from a previous relationship that was 5 when we married and see's me as dad.

They are both doing well not involved and not much contact with there mother and live together. I let my 17yr old daughter who attends community college move in with her sister who just began her doctoral studies, for the good female role model, studious environment, and way to support them both.

Background: My ex was involved in an abusive relationship, where she abaondoned her house which she owned outright and moved to opposite side of the state. In this new locations she got into a bit of a legal mess and had to stay there for a year while things sorted. She couldn't return to her home, because of other legal issues and potential problems from friends of former abuser. Her family doesn't know what to do and did not want to get involved.

Recent Situation: I got involved by gettng her house sold, and finding temporary living situation in new area, then helping with the purchase and moving into a new residence. Financially this was taken care of with the proceeds from her old house and my involvement was time and effort. I only did this beacause I do care about her.

This went ok, with a few smaller fires that passed quickly. Once she was settled into her new place, I started to refocus my efforts on my other responsibilities, all hell broke loose. She started having paranoid delusions that I  ,put parasite type insects in her car and in her house, and started damaging her house, she read an article about gaslighting and accused me that I was doing this to make her crazy. This cycle had happened before with the abusive ex. who did do some of these things, and now is blaming me for it. After the initial accusations, her sister visited and said it was all delusional. She has continued to campaign on the damage saying the roof is leaking,  damage under sinks etc. I don't know what is going on, as I have not been near the area since the first time she said something like this. I have only responded that I emphatically didn't do this, and that she needs to have a professional in there to identify what damage has occurred, how it may have occurred and have it remedied to not further the damage.

I have disengaged, but have gotten bombarded for weeks, and really at a loss. I have expressed to her siblings this, and told them also that she needs to have someone come in to look at what is really going on, which is about all I can do. I feel bad for her, as I know she is experiencing something regardless if it is real or imagined. But as the target of her campaign to vilify I am no longer an allie, only the enemy.

I am trying to let it go, and have set up a counselling appointment to come to terms with this. I have been rereading and revisiting all the sites and resources that I have looked at in the past, and registered here and am making this post just to undertand what's going on, how I can best help myself let go, and if there is anything I could or should do to facilitate her finding the help she needs.

Thank you

Hi help4all,  

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this and i'm glad that you decided to join us, i'm curious as to what you're counselor will say, personally I don't think that it's a typical smear campaign.


After helping her with a new place, you shifted your attention elsewhere, it sounds like she's pretty emotionally immature and is not communicating her needs clearly with you, I think that she's trying to get your attention. Thoughts?

Thank you for the and welcome to my first post.

As a bit of time has passed, I realize she is just suffering, dnd she is having a delusional psycotic episode and is hallucinating.
but has vilified me to the point I can't be involved at this juncture.

A family member visited her while she was in crisis and got her to a hospital.

I am just trying to let my thoughts be consumed by lack of understanding all the dynamics.

Aprreciate the thoughts and at some level there is major truth in what you suggested, as she sent messages of missing me and needing me if if I had done terrible things to her (and she believed I did), which makes your statement seem very accurate.

compassionately detached at this point I guess... .we'll see