BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I recently realized my mother almost definitely has BPD. She isolated me from my dad for over 10 years, who arguably made mistakes when I was a teenager, but was still much more stable and mostly ruined from being married to her, and having a child with her. The emotional abuse has been horrible, and when I was little she only stopped the physical abuse (periodical 'educative' slaps) after my dad had threatened her to take me from her.

I have a younger (half)sister - I put the half between brackets because I think it's irrelevant emotionally, she's my sister, period - and I see the exact same thing happening to her. Worse even, it's like my mom learned from her mistakes with me and is now extra careful in isolating her. She constantly pins her against her own father and makes her (13 years old) own all the decisions that she pushes her to make.

I love my mom to death despite it all, and after weeks of no contact (I'm in my mid twenties and recently moved back out on my own), I've decided that shutting her out isn't the answer. I'm in contact with my dad again which is also a huge eye-opener, and makes me much stronger in dealing with my mom as she doesn't have the power of isolation over me anymore.

The tough parts for me are my teenage sister growing up with her, for whom I feel very responsible. But she's under total influence of my mother. Spending time with my father after 10 years is a joy but also heavy, emotionally.

But the hardest thing of all is that I recognize myself to a pretty large extent in the descriptions of high-functioning BPD's. Which, considering I carry my mom's genes and was raised by her, isn't unlikely, but it's very worrying. I have a good relationship with a girl I truly love and I'm building a pretty strong career in what I love most. I don't want to ruin this, and the idea of me having even moderate BPD traits is very scary.

Anyways, that's my introduction... .I hope to find some tips here and to be of help to others as well. It's one hell of a disorder to be exposed to... .

Cheers

Hi Justsomebelgian

Welcome to our online community

Growing up with a BPD parent can be very challenging and I am sorry you had such a difficult childhood. Considering what you've been through, I understand your concerns for your sister.

Great that you're reconnecting with your dad again :) In what ways has this also been heavy emotionally?

Whether you are NC or not, I think the most important thing when dealing with a BPD family-member is to firmly set and enforce/defend boundaries. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mother?

You also worry about your own possible BPD traits. Many children of BPD parents have found themselves struggling with certain BPD-like behaviors and traits in their adult lives. This however does not necessarily have to mean that you have BPD yourself. Often this can also be learned or copied behaviors, which through hard work can fortunately also be unlearned or at least better managed. You might find this thread helpful which deals with this exact same topic:
Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281721.0)

Take care

The Board Parrot