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I've been giving the ':)rama Triangle' theory a lot of thinking recently.

Upon reflection (well 3yrs of reflection to be exact!) it's clear that I was part of the drama triangle my pwBPD presided over.

Me
Her
Another friend

Having thought about how many many situations panned out, and how often she would run our third friends name through the mud behind her back, and how often she would look to me to 'fix' whatever issue she was focused on at the time.

In short, pwBPD would moan to me about how the other person was tight with money, never paid her way if we socialised, had poor personal hygiene, was disresctful to her family/friends, had terrible dress sense, poor time keeping, selfish in a number of way... .The list just went on and on.

We all lived together as room mates for some years and pwBPD would say these things to me but never directly to the person themselves; instead she would insinuate that she was about to 'lose her patience' or 'say something she couldn't take back' if things didn't change.

I hate conflict so would approach the other person and try and address whatever issue was looming over the house at that time - I made sure to tread very lightly and for the most part, conflict was avoided and this person made efforts to change their behaviour if it was necessary (she did have quite poor personal hygiene at times and could be selfish with money and sharing the bills so pwBPD was capitalising on points which did have some credibility).

Long story short, pwBPD 'idolised' me for years and it was the other friend who was devalued continuously.
After a gas lighting incident, I was painted Black and have been NC ever since (initiated by pwBPD).

Here's the confusing bit however... .the friend she spent years devaluing, has now been clothed in pure brilliant white.
I no longer check social media as I have been blocked but both of them.
Initially when pwBPD split me black, I remained on good terms with our other friend but I suspect a smear campaign has been at work.

So I suppose what I'm asking is: How can the pwBPD instigate and appear to thrive at the heart of a drama triangle but then forcibly collapse it by gas lighting his/her 'fixer', only to move their alliance with the very person they were persecuting only hours/days earlier?

From what I had seen in social media, their 'friendship' seemed  to be going from strength to strength; this made me even more angry as I know what pwBPD REALLY thinks of the person she now refers to as her sister, best friend ect.

Any insight into this kind boggle peeps?

Hey GB, This sounds quite typical, because a pwBWD is frequently shifting his/her alliances.  You could say that they like to keep the pot boiling in terms of drama.  My Ex is currently extolling the virtues of her MIL, who was formerly an object of loathing and scorn.  It's all part of the BPD merry-go-round, in my view.  My suggestion: continue to do as you are doing by not participating in the drama.

LuckyJim

This is almost exact situation that happened to me. with the same painting black her ex-husband and even about his hygiene problems. in 10 years , I became the "black night" and now I'm "crazy, rood and have hygiene problems". Replacement is ideal. I thought I was special. No I wasn't.
Now. Let me explain my thought why they need a triangle. The reason is simple. replacement has been idealized now and you become a "toilet". BPD/NPD must dump her emotions . Positive to the replacement. Negative to the "toilet". Physiologists advise , do not be a toilet. Once you get out off scene, BPD/NPD will start dumping emotions to the same place - to the replacement. Very soon replacement becomes toilet and the new replacement becomes ideal. This process is none stop.

Wow... .didn't even think of it this way! Thankfully my time of being a toilet is long since over and I have moved on to a much more fulfilling life filled with stable relationships.

Knowing her as I did, I believe that her current 'toilet' will be her daughters father.
He was the white knight as long as he was doing exactly what she wanted; although they weren't together, he had a good job and earns good money so was able to assist her financially when she failed to pay her share of the rent/bills or simply if she wanted the latest designer bag, he would always oblige.

I have heard through the grapevine that he has since married his long term girlfriend and they have a baby on the way - knowing my pwBPD as I did, I know this will not sit at all well with her and he is now most probably bearing the brunt whilst our mutual friend remains in the clear... .for now anyway.

can you elaborate on "forcibly collapse it by gaslighting his/her fixer"?

The only way out of a drama triangle is to stop playing and walk away. There is a great article on this forum on triangulation.  Stay on the merry go round and you will forever switching roles depending on what your BPD wants/needs.

Apologies, that bit wasn't very clear.

She spent years 'idolising' me, telling me I was her only real friend and she would be lost without me ect ect but I believe she began devaluing me about a year before we finally went NC.
Turning a normal conversation into an argument, gas lighting me often, deliberating being rude and obnoxious to me without good reason - When I finally snapped, that was it... .I was painted black.

What I don't understand is that in retrospect, her drama triangle was functioning as she wanted so why did she then begin the process of devaluing me and ultimately gas lighting me to the point our relationship broke down.
Surely she would've wanted to keep me there to facilitate the triangle?

I've read that article more than once and it resonates with me deeply.

Looking back, I do think I became equally codependent in the triangle because she appeared to hold me in such high esteem for seemingly 'fixing everything'.
From the issues you had with our room mate, to paying her unpaid debts, looking after her child when she would sleep for 15-18hrs at a time, cleaning her room when it got the health hazard status.
Towards the end, I felt more like her carer, counsellor, financial advisor, taxi service, cleaner, Cook, shopper... .It goes on.

My home life was less than average growing up so I felt greatfull to be wanted and 'loved' by someone and I wanted to please.

Life is so much more peaceful now I'm out of it - there's no waiting for the next drama or conflict that required a resolution.

I was devastated initially when pwBPD initiated NC, I'd invested years and years and it was gone in an instant.
It took a long time to finally accept that the dynamic was highly dysfunctional and for as long as I was a part of it, my life would be on amber.

if you want to understand the karpman drama triangle, it will help to know which role you tend to gravitate to. we often learn the role in childhood.

a drama triangle isnt something someone puts us in or instigates. its three people each playing an active role with a payoff. its about conflict style, coping, and differentiation.

in other words, its not a BPD thing. triangles are everywhere, and there is good and bad triangulation.

there was a drama triangle between you, your ex, and the roommate. your ex complained to you, rather than handle it herself. you handled it for her. the roommate largely stayed out of it.

are you asking why you were painted black and the roommate was painted white? the two probably are not related. thats the nature of BPD - seeing others as either all good or all bad.

there is, however, still a triangle. all of this has your attention. why? (no right or wrong answer)

I've read a bit about the Karpman Drama Triangle and I understand it's not exclusively a BPD Thing, but negative triangulation is more common when BPD is thrown in the mix.

I would like to understand more about my role like you said, if it is usually set in childhood, this may explain why whilst in the triangle, I felt a pressure to dampen down conflict situations.
Home life was high stress, lots of conflict and violence until I left home at 18.

I never thought about the idea that I am still a part of the triangle because I'm still thinking about it... .Maybe it's because I didn't get any closure from the other two corners of the triangle. Not a word for three years and I still don't understand why.

that makes a lot of sense. im not a fan of conflict either, it gives me a disconcerting bit of adrenaline and anxiety. how did you handle it at the time?


thats hard. what are you doing to give yourself a sense of closure? i think both learning about BPD and our roles in the relationship are good paths.

This is where I get 'stuck'... .I know I need to close the book on this but three years on, it's still occupying a part of my mind every day.

seen a therapist? what about creative action... .a story, a book, a journal, a series of poetry, an artistic piece? ive found creative writing has helped me shut a lot of books.

I saw a therapist a couple of years ago and that helped with the initial feelings but this yearning for closure hasn't gone away.
Think I might give writing a go, writing and reading in here helps quite a lot as well.
Thanks for your advice :)