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I notice that my partner has a really hard time not piling everything into the current fight, and quickly loses sight of any kind of conceivable solution. I feel like I've ducked under a huge wave that I have to just let pass, and if I struggle against it, even the parts I know in my gut to be bull___, it only pulls me further under. Then, I guess as a form of retaliation, I start doing the same thing. "Two can play the dogpiling game," even if I'm nowhere near as good at it. I feel like a night-school defense attorney arguing before the Supreme Court. This is when things get really bad! It helps if I can just let the wave pass, take note of the things that bother me and bring them up later when my S.O. is feeling less heated. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it . . .

H does this, too.  I think the issue for him is that his memories are emotionally cataloged - so like if he's angry, it makes him remember all other times he's been angry, and those MUST be brought up, too.  He used to be terrible about demanding I go back in time and not make him angry in the first place. 

BPD is about out of control emotions, and inability to process them in a nonvolatile way, and a need to push them off onto another person.  Look into "taking a break" and leaving the room when you want to snap back when it's too much, and set a boundary about "we will talk about THIS issue.  This is not about issues from 5 years ago."  If they can't oblige, leave for a bit to enforce the boundary.  It won't magically change their mind, but they no longer have an object to rage at and you will not be absorbing all that negativity. 

Thanks. That helps. I don't like seeing myself get out-of-control angry at my partner getting out-of-control angry. It feels like I get pissed off at them for not having better control over their emotions, but, then, of course, my getting pissed off just makes their emotions spiral further out of control. So stopping is the only way to break the cycle. Maybe that and therapy. I feel sometimes, when things are 'good,' that I don't dare bring anything up because it'll bring everything up. This isn't always true, and I've had some great instances where I'm able to bring up a specific household thing without it blowing up, but the deeper, more emotional stuff is really hard . . .