BPDFamily.com

Hi

*possible triggers - sorry not too sure*

I just really need someone to talk to right now. Im in pieces. I cant stop crying and feel like i have bo one who understands around me

So i have only been with her for 5 months. And those 5 month's have been intense as you all will know. 5 weeks ago she moved in with me and my 4 year old daughter. Shes a student nurse and was house sharing with a couple of people which had become impossible. She was so unhappy there and was so low. She would tell me how she wanted to kill herself. We had been on and off for a while and she cheated, however she didnt class it as cheating because she always broke up with me a few days before.  Her explanation was that she was so empty and she felt nothing and had no one so it was her way of trying to feel something.

I originally thought she may suffer from bipolar and told her this on one of our break up periods. She said she needed me in her life and went to speak to a doctor who diagbosed her with BPD there and then and gave her some medication. Shes been for a follow up since but her last 2 appointments were cancelled as the doctor was off sick.

Aince moving in things were up ajd down. She would pick at the slightest thing. She made me redecorate which was fine as it needed doing but it felt like she was just constantly walking around pointing at things shouting at me. She would constantly call my little girl a brat. This really bothered me but in the same light she would spend hours doing hair and makeup with her and my family praised the routine she had introduced. In the end we constantly argued about my little girl. If she slightly played up she would flip out and send her to her room.

There was no intimacy between us. This was an issue for me only because for the last 2 years she has been meeting people online to sleep with. In one period of us not speaking she slept with 4 other people. She said she wasnt interested in sex and if we did it was all about her. I started to feel rubbish. Like it really knocked my confidence

We had a row last week and i said it wasnt working out. Said she made me miserable. She said the same. Said i always undermine her in front of my daughter when it comes to her disapline which i dont think was true. She sobbed into my arms and said she wanted to kill herself and if i didnt stay her friend she would do it. The next night was the same. Then she went to uni for the day and rang me to say she was going to view a house that everning. When she came home 5 hours late she was so cold. Hurtful. I cried and she pretty much laughed. We had the worst arguement we have ever had. The next day she wanted hugs from me. Wanted to go on a drive. But the whole time she was texting her ex. Making fun of me.

 Today she has gone to see her mum and stay over and shes been horrid. Said she wants nothing to do with me from saturday when she moves. Ive blocked her on everything now

It just hurts so bad. I know we had more bad times than good. But i genuinely loved her more than i have anyone in my life. Her new place is an hour away as thats where she originally lived before moving in with me. The ex she is suddenly speaking to is someone she saw whilst we were on a break and i feel like shes doing all this because she wants to see her again.

I just dont know what to do to get past this. Cant stop crying and it makes me so mad that im letting her affect me like this!

Sorry to hear what you are going through.  You need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who treats you this way? Although you feel bad now you have had a lucky escape, get out now and go no contact.  She will try and reel you in but it's all lies and manipulation she will destroy you if you keep going back. 

You are clearly in the fog at the moment. First weeks and months are hard, but believe me, you are strong. We all are here. Stronger than we like to think sometimes. I thought the same way after discard, but the funny thing is that i blocked all the rational thoughts, i didnt see anything negative. But there was lots of negative stuff. I know that at the moment you probably dont listen much what others say. i know, i didnt, but i still want you to listen. You are better and worth more.

Thanks. I really appreciate and I will listen

I get so low and cant stop crying and then I go online for advise and suddenly I feel so much better about it and I'm like 'you know what! Shes not worth it. I'm fine without her'. I know I'm going to keep going up and down like that for a while

Just needed people to talk to who understand.  My friends have never dealt with BPD so they don't understand and just think shes a horrid person.  They don't understand how emotionally full on they are and how they promise the world and take it all away without a care in the world

Blocking her on everything has made me feel a bit better but I know I need to keep strong and not give in.  Ive blocked her like this before once and after a day she would ring me of another number and tell me how low and suicidal she was and... .well... .here we are... .

Really thought she was the one.

Take care Corsa,
It sounds like you are going through a massive situation. I guess the main advice is for you to look after yourself and your little girl who needs you. Your ex sounds problematic like the experiences we've all had here. Hard to work out solutions. Staying away and NC is possible the most healthy scenario.