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Maybe thats why they say they are crazy making. We dont miss life with them, but yet theres something. We have somehow those unanswered questions still up there somewhere. I often see that its not only about her, its me too. I have problems. I need to fix myself. And its scary. How do i fix myself?

Happentome.

Therapy. Therapy really helps. I know not everyone can afford it on here. Some insurances cover it and if you search the internet some will work with you on a sliding scale. Looking into the therapist is a must, find a good one with good reviews.

I am not currently in therapy but I will say my therapist helped me tremendously when I was obsessively ruminating. She was able to pull the focus off my ex and help me turn inward to my own issues. I also attended a Al-Anon meeting. That was extremely helpful. Al-Anon focuses on addiction, gambling, alcoholism and their affects on loved ones. Both were issues my ex had. I actually cried at the meeting. It was very cathartic. It was also very interesting to see how many people are affected by disease and disorders. I walked away realizing my life wasn't as bad as the woman who was there with her two small children trying to forgive her husband who was in a coma from alcohol poisoning.

It gave me perspective.

Inner peace doesn't happen overnight. It takes work. Hard work.

I live in Europe, so basically all those things are free for me, but when things are free we tend not to appreciate it. Ironic? Yes, it is. I dont think i will ever get all those answers, some things i just have to accept it. Its like there are wars, but i cant change it. So i need to learn to live in the world where not everything is perfect. This is something we all should have known at first place, but yet, when we dont experience we dont know it. We all make mistakes, but we need to learn to live with our mistakes.
Sometimes i like to meet people with same experience, its like the same experience, must be like me. I dont know is that escape from the reality?

Agree. Therapy was/is huge in the recovery! The ruminating was torture... .every day, the first thing that popped into my mind was that. It isn't healthy to ruminate. As my counselor put it, you will never be able to make sense of it, because it is disorder for a reason. It doesn't match what expectations are. You are working on putting a square peg in a round hole. My therapist wants me to start looking at myself and why I let these things happen. Instead of trying to figure out what happened, she wants me to figure out why I allow somebody like that in my life.

Somebody had a post earlier about "why does this keep happening to me". In reality, I think that can fit both the BPD and the non, but the way the two sides look at this is completely different. The non's will look at themselves and wonder how can they improve themselves and make better decisions. Non's are willing to let others in completely. So, why does this keep happening to me, turns into how can I prevent this and find somebody that will be able to fully reciprocate the relationship. The BPD's though are thinking more of how can I find somebody that I can mold into what I want/need. They are not interested in looking at what they may be doing. Instead, why does this keep happening to me turns into how can I find somebody else I can exploit and manipulate.

have you worked the lessons to the right of the board? some of the resources like the workshops we have here? i tend to think the whole spectrum of what most of us go through and wonder, and struggle with, is really well covered.

Yes, i have read and i have to say these are really good materials and very helpful. These things really help. But i guess its always two steps ahead and one step behind. My recovery is coming basically from here, so i need to thank everyone. All those threads and different experiences, these help, i hope not only me, but also everyone else who maybe hasnt made even account.

I know for me I missed the chaos. After being with her for three plus years I was used to the crazy so when she left the silence, the calm was almost deafening. Instead of feeling peaceful and content which I now feel, I felt empty and lonely... .that only made me miss her more, but now I realize it wasn't HER I missed. I missed the rush. I missed the losing and then "winning" her back. It was definitely an addiction of sorts.

When I think about my ex there is very little I know about her other than the horrific sorrid stories of her past  red-flag I know she likes rocks, I know she likes wild animals.

She has no interests. She mimics the interests of whomever she is with. When she was with me she was into music, she was into group outings and wine tasting. Her new GF is a self proclaimed couch potato. I am not poking any fun but she is a very large girl, close to 300lbs and so are her friends. My ex has gained a lot of weight (I saw a picture) and eats a lot, that is her GF interest. She is a foodie.

So when I think about it, I only really liked my ex when she was mirroring me which means I am not that bad after all   I liked that person! .

When i met my ex i thought she is so pure, so innocent, like an angel. She moved to my country, so i didnt know anything about her past. Now i dont know what to think, she is high functioning. So all people will think she is so pure, so nice etc. It seems that its only me and couple of friends against the world :) Though, some people have started to wonder, but i dont know. I quite often think that i must have done something wrong.

i think its natural to miss a person you have been attached to, even with conflicting thoughts.

i didnt want to hear a bunch of "its not her you miss, its the attachment/having a girlfriend/etc". she was my partner. my friend. i cared about her, and missing someone is a part of grief, even a person that hurt you. give yourself permission to miss this person, and to grieve.

Once Removed, yes, you are right. Time will heal all our wounds. I appreciate everyone here. We are all strong people. Everyone.