BPDFamily.com

I thought it was 7 months 'til I had to make that title and actually counted...

Here's what's up:
I'm well over the relationship with my BPD ex. I don't miss her at all and have easily maintained NC for the past ~8 months. However, it seems I'm still dealing with the effects of emotional abuse/trauma. I have sudden flashbacks to various events/experiences wherein things were unpleasant. Sometimes it's big events that occurred near the end of the relationship when things were more hostile. Other times it's smaller events that exemplify more subtle emotional abuse.

Usually these flashbacks leave me feeling upset and/or angry for having to go through what I did. It bothers me that I didn't open my eyes and stick up for myself on SO many different occasions. It also bothers me that no one knows just how bad things were and I feel pretty averse to bringing it up, now, since the breakup was 9 months ago. A part of me wants to write out some narrative essays (or something similar) just so I can have a way of letting someone know everything that I've been through without having to speak.

But anyway, it seems as if I still have a lot of processing to do. Like perhaps I had blocked out/suppressed a lot of the abusive events from my memory and now they're starting to resurface. I'm not sure. But I feel frustrated with the fact that I'm still bothered by the relationship that ended a while ago. It feels abnormal. I suppose I'm wanting reassurance that what I'm going through is normal.

Ideally, my google search for 'how long it takes to recover from abusive relationships' would have yielded me a result that included some sort of timeline. But. It did not yield me that result.

If it helps to know, the relationship lasted nearly 4 years. I did see a therapist after the break up but ended therapy after feeling confident that I no longer needed it.

Hi random.person,

*welcome*

You are not alone. At nine months after my breakup, I wouldn't say I was having flashbacks per se, but I was still on "high alert." That meant that I was walking around in public with strange thoughts that random people were going to harm me. I once thought I heard pwBPD's voice on a train and my heart started racing. I was NC and knew that I didn't want the relationship anymore, but my body and mind needed time to get back to balance after the painful breakup.

Recovery is individual and we are all on different timelines, but I am not surprised that you still have these kinds of feelings. Therapy really helped me, and I took breaks and then went back when I needed to. Maybe a chat with your therapist after this time has passed will help?

You might do some of that writing just for you. It can really help with the processing. And allowing yourself to feel what comes up as you write down your experiences.

How are you doing with self-care? Do you have supportive friends and family around you?

Keep posting. It really helps.  :)

heartandwhole

Welcome! It was an addiction for all of us. I am well versed in drug/alcohol addiction and it take upwards of 2 years for our old neural pathways to go away and new ones to replace them. If you want to Google post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS) it could give you some insight.

Stay strong, share here. I'm not perfect. I just slipped up again. And I battle with cognitive dissonance way more than I want to. But it's part of the process.

One of my dearest friends I met here told me it's like chemo. Chemo hurts us and drains us but it is meant to help kill the real disease, the cancer. Just know that each day what you are feeling is helping to make you better. I feel immensely better posting here like a nutcase. Because it pushes back the doubts, guilts. It's a crutch I need as I try to find my balance again.

Hi random.person 

I join heartandwhole in welcoming you here.  :)

I was a few months out too. I didn't have flashbacks during the day, but I remember having vivid parts of dreams involving situations with my ex.

I felt this way too. It bothered me because I didn't feel I knew what I did later. I felt taken advantage of because I didn't know what I was doing. I'd like to help you here random.person, so I share that what helped me was that I found self-compassion when I noticed that it's hard to blame someone for something they didn't know. How can we do things we don't know?

I wrote journals and essays to myself. That partially developed out of the idea to manage being a caretaker by working at a calendar for abuse while it unfolds during the month. Although it wasn't my intention, it felt like I was letting myself know that I went through all that abuse—which my ex kept distracting me to in-effect "help" me forget—and I didn't have to speak to people about it.

I encourage you to write these papers. They don't have to be essays. Notes helped me too. When my ex dysregulated, I would write just one word or a sentence to mark the date. That helped. I'll add to this by encouraging you to find a T or P to support you. I went to one to adjunct my experience. That's what happened even though I went primarily to look at treatment plans for me ex  :) 

It helps just to speak to someone that knows what you're talking about—you don't need a treatment plan or diagnosis. You can do that here too. That's part of what this board is here for.

I look forward to your progress on this.