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Title: Did you help your parent too much? Post by: sanemom on April 23, 2017, 01:02:25 AM I have a stepson who has suddenly had "an awakening"--his non-BPD dad was primary for most of his life, but his BPD mom started chaos for him and his siblings when he was in middle school by constantly fighting in court.
His BPD mom was never a big part of his life because she was mostly wanting to do her own thing, but she managed to convince him to turn on his dad and move in with her his senior year of high school (she had managed to make him believe untrue things about his dad--it was so crazy)... .and then she managed to convince him to work full time in addition to completing high school so her bills could be paid. We were afraid he would be doing this if he moved in with her, but I think his mommy-bucket was too empty, and we had lost all influence. Anyway, he seems to have realized this after his first year of college away from "the drama." I am just wondering what would be helpful for him to hear so he does not feel so responsible to make sure she is ok? Right now it is fine because his mom found a boyfriend to pay her bills, but I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to convince him in the future to let her move in with him when he is older so he can take care of her. Are there any words that can relieve that pressure for him? There may not be... . If you used to help your parent too much, what helped you to stop? Title: Re: Did you help your parent too much? Post by: Turkish on April 23, 2017, 02:58:59 AM What indicators have you heard from him that makes you think he "realized this" as you said?
An empty "mommy bucket" is an interesting way of putting it... .that's likely his core pain. Identifying and validating this pain is likely to produce more fruit then telling him what to do from your point of view. Title: Re: Did you help your parent too much? Post by: sanemom on April 23, 2017, 07:38:14 AM What indicators have you heard from him that makes you think he "realized this" as you said? An empty "mommy bucket" is an interesting way of putting it... .that's likely his core pain. Identifying and validating this pain is likely to produce more fruit then telling him what to do from your point of view. The main indicator was that he came to me and talked for a few hours about it--he saw how he was "influenced" by his mom, talked about how he realizes she doesn't always tell the truth, how she has inappropriate boundaries, how she has never been a "mom" figure, but acts more like a friend (and how she is still trying to regain her youth). He was saying that he thinks the main reason he wanted to live with her is that she has never been a big part of his life... .I definitely validated that. I was shocked as I had never heard him say ANYTHING like this at all, and I asked him when his big "aha" moment was, and he said he had been piecing it together for years. He rarely talks about anything, much less what is going on in his head--he is a people-pleaser and wants everyone to be happy. |