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My 16 year old daughter has a boyfriend of 3 years who had traumatic childhood.  He has lost two loved adults in the last two years and is having rages more and more often.  He has threatened suicide more then once.  Has had/has drug and alchohol issues.

He is now asking for help from us, I don't know if he means it or if it's another way to reel us in.  His mom and stepdad tell him to "think differently".

I am unsure if he is a danger to my daughter and if he is an actual danger to himself. 

Anyone here have any suggestions.

Hello Enzo4, welcome to bpdfamily 

3 years is a long relationship for your 13-16 year old daughter. I understand your concern she maybe in danger and that would be my immediate priority, so firstly I ask you how is your daughter and then consider how you move forwards with her.

WDx

My first thought about this is with your daughter. She is only 16. This is a lot for a 16 year old to deal with.

How old is the boy? If he is under 18, then his parents are still his legal guardians and have to consent to any treatment.

If he is older than 18, again, I think of your daughter as the age difference is significant.

I do get your not intervening too strongly as it can create a situation where she runs off with him if you forbid her to see him.

A relationship with someone with PBD, addiction is a situation where both of the partners can benefit from help like therapy. I would consider looking into a 12 step program for your daughter- Alateen maybe- so she can learn skills to deal with this from her end, and also personal T as this must be difficult for her.

For the boy, it is hard to do much if he is a minor and if he is an adult, he needs to consent to treatment. How to pay for this if his parents are not willing is an issue. I would say, help your daughter first, then look at how he can get help.