BPDFamily.com

Hi all,
This is my first time on this site, I never knew anything like this existed for people like us, I'm glad it's here. I've been made to feel isolated and alone for years now like I'm sure many of you have, it's good to speak out! My wife has BPD and first 12 years of our marriage I've been able to Handel the ups and downs of her dis order with relative ease, but this year she took the gloves off. She developed a friendship with a man 12 years her junior whom she met through a tutoring program, she's a teacher. To her it was always a friendship they drank together, she told him all about all of our problems and he was a sympathetic ear. She wasn't honest about it with me, I found out about it and of coarse hit the roof.  She said she would stop contacting him , she lied and talked to him anyway. I warned her he would develop feelings for her and he did, which came to a great surprise for her! The relationship was very dysfunctional , and I believe that is over but I'm afraid the damage is already done. My 11 year old daughter no longer trusts her, they fight constantly and use terrible language with each other and it also can get physical. I read " The essential family guide to BPD" cover to cover, took notes and tried to implement them with her but received mixed results. She had a gastric bypass surgery a few years back, dropped a lot of weight and became a real eye catcher for a while. But in the last year she has resorted to drinking almost daily, not eating much and spending a lot of time alone in our garage at night staring at Facebook and talking to her mother who is a co dependent enabler. I've tried to engage her in activities like going for walks, watching tv as a family, etc nothing has worked.

  A couple weeks ago my daughter and her had a huge fight that was verbally and physically abusive on both sides and I was as usual caught in the middle trying to referee. We were out, so when we got home I separated the two of them to separate corners of the house to try and create peace. My wife of coarse called her mother who gave her terrible advice as usual, and the fight was back on with me stuck in the middle again. She was alternating between screaming at me, whining to her mother and yelling at my kid all at the same time! I knew it was time to get my kid and scram because the "lion" was about to present itself in all its ___ed up fury, but I couldn't get my daughter to leave! I then overheard her mommy say that she was coming over to make sure everything was all right? I then stated I would have no problem calling the police to keep her away, (her mother is also a drama queen who loves this crap). She then said she would get a police escort to get in my home! I thought she was bluffing but didn't want to find out, so I left. Sure enough she brought cops with her that the whole neighborhood got to watch happen. They left after a few minutes due to there not being any evidence of domestic violence, but the damage was done. My wife and I have been separated since then, I moved to a friends house a mile or so away. We still see each other a few times a week and I try to talk to her and patch things up, but all she seems to want to do is pick fights with me. I'm looking for any advice from you good people out there might have for me to help save my marriage.

Thanks for reading, and god bless.

Hi Wisecrackin

That sound like a really turbulent place to be and I can't help but think what a toll is may be taking on you and especially your daughter. My daughter is 15 and I have brought her to live in a blended family with my uBPDh. We have been living as a family for 4 years and every day I worry about the effect it is having on her and there is no physical violence - plenty of verbal and emotional abuse though.

Do you love your wife? Why do you want to save the marriage?

Unless your wife is willing to see she needs help and is willing to also make an effort what do you think the future will hold?

I am not trying to play devils advocate - it just seems that you and your daughter could use some peace and quiet. The marriage will only be saved if you and your wife want it to work.

Best of luck