BPDFamily.com

Hi, I am not sure where to start. There is so much baggage and history but perhaps best to describe the current situation and get some advice.

I don't know for sure if my mom has BPD but a therapist once suggested it to me and reading up on the subject, it seemed to make sense.

My mom is turning 60 soon. For her birthday she wanted to do a trip to a new foreign country. My husband and I decided to take her to Brazil on a holiday. She lives in another city in our country and was going to come stay at ours for a few days before our departure. My parents divorced about 30 years ago and she still refuses to talk to my dad. This became a big problem when due to financial reasons, we invited my dad to come live with us a few years back. He now lives in a small granny flat on our property that is very separate, but since then my mom is very reluctant to stay even though she complains she does not see me enough.

A few days before her planned arrival, I emailed her to say that we needed to do a meal with my dad over the Easter weekend when she would be arriving and would she mind doing something on her own for either a lunch or dinner during her stay? She completely lost the plot with me. Accusing me of being selfish and not caring about her. She then went on to cancel her visit to ours and subsequently also the holiday to Rio which we had already arranged and paid for. So a week later my husband and I were on the plane to Rio without her. I was very hurt by all she said and also angry that she blew up over what I saw to be a reasonable request. It also made me start to doubt myself and wonder if she is right and I am a terrible daughter?

Now she is not talking to me. Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I don't know what to do. Do I call her? Do I send her flowers? Do I ignore her? Is there any hope? This is not the first time she has gone into a rage and not spoken to me for a long time over a seemingly small matter. I am exhausted dealing with her and feel sad as it feels like I have no mother. I love her but can't continue being her emotional punching bag.

Any constructive advice on how to deal with the present situation will be appreciated.

Hello Miss Capetown, I am also new to this site, but I believe you will find some understanding and caring people here to help you.  You clearly are not a "selfish" daughter dear, you are providing a home for your father, and clearly spend a lot of time and energy reaching out to your mother.  You were thoughtful and generous in planning a vacation for her to Rio, as this was something she wanted- clearly you care and try to make both parents happy.  For you, it was a small normal request you made from your mother- to have an Easter meal with your father before leaving on a vacation to Rio with your mother.  I'm guessing your mother turned this into "total rejection and abandonment of her needs" and hit the nuclear button.  This "splitting", turning you into a bad daughter in a second, hits hard every time.  It hits the hardest at a time you were thinking of her, trying to make her happy, and doing a great deal for her.  Try to resist accepting this dysfunctional labeling of yourself.  I have no doubt it is a small consolation, if any at all, but it may have been better timing to have this happen before you left together, rather than in the middle of a foreign country, putting you in a real dilemna on how to get everyone through it safely and back home. 
It can be very tricky taking a BPD parent out of country, out of state or even out of town.  My mom was fine at the beginning, but as the time on the trip neared it's end, and thus her time of having all my attention was coming to an end- well someone had to be punished for this perceived "abandonment", usually me and everyone who came in contact with us- it got so painful and humiliating and then just frightening that I was no longer willing to take us out in public anymore.  Felt sorry for the "innocent" people we came into contact with who ended up in the crosshairs. 
If you look honestly and with compassion into your own heart, you will not see a selfish daughter there Miss Capetown, hang onto your identity and trust who you truly are.