BPDFamily.com

I have a question for those of you that were with or are with waifs. What was it like when you first met them or started dating?

My potential, undiagnosed BPD, had a very high school demeanor. I thought she was just socially awkward at first, but there were things that just were off.

For example, last summer when we had a meeting on campus she was stationed in a room across the way. She was talking to my coworker and asked him to send me over because she wanted to talk to me. I did, then I found out that she just wanted to offer me a doughnut or at least that is what she said. She was just too nervous to approach me. She also would ask my friends/coworkers about me and my dating life. Yet, she could barely talk to me. She would get really nervous at the start and basically walk to the opposite side of the room to avoid me. When we were alone, she clammed up, blushed and just would hardly say anything. Yet, she watched me and stared at me... .a lot. She mimicked me, a lot as well. I liked something, so she did too. Like, if we were in a group, she wanted to get my attention. It was just odd that she wanted to seek out my friends so much, like she was trying to go through the back door or something.

Her friends approached me a lot too. I hardly knew them, but they were asking about me. It all felt very much like high school when you are a senior and a freshmen has a crush on you, so her friends start approaching you and try to find ways to get you to talk to her. She seemed even more immature with dating, like she has not progressed by the junior high state or something. Considering I am 34, that all was kind of confusing to me. I thought those times were past.

Unfortunately, I just assumed she was inexperienced and innocent, so I rationalized and kept talking to her. I had asked her, she gave me a weird answer, like she was nervous. Then, she acted closer to me and continued what she was doing at a higher rate. As it turns out, I am pretty sure she is not that innocent... .at all.

Does this sound familiar to anybody?

This mirrored my first contact with my ex. I met her years ago in college. She seemed shy and awkward in public but since I was too back then I paid it no mind. The fact that many years later she stilled displayed the same childish behavior is telling. I'm no paragon of maturity but I do think that I have advanced at least a little from back then.

She also seemed to mirror me. At first I thought we had a lot in common but now?

Sounds familiar. She has some very childlike behaviors. First time alone, she would hardly talk. It was a struggle to get a conversation going with her. I am an introvert too, but wow. She was just really awkward with it. The mirroring was what was really crazy to me. It just felt like when a teenager has a crush on somebody older. The mirroring was obvious.

In my experience, the shy ones really don't have an identity... .they take on the desired partner's identity. I think a lot of what you are describing is her trying to figure out who you are so that she attracts you with mirroring your persona. Once they figure that out, they will use words and actions to let you know they are "just like you." Once you are devalued, she will become whomever she dates next. As I stated before, she won't let you know what makes her unhappy, she'll just slowly discard you. In my experience, you'll be surprised by who she dates next. It may be 180 degrees different than what she stated her desires were when she was with you. Think of them as a chameleon and you are the object that they adapt as the color scheme.

That makes sense. She didn't have an identity. I knew nothing about her. I thought I did and thought I had a lot in common, but that was because she just mirrored me on everything. Thinking back on a day that she hung out with my coworkers and I, she actually took a shot on her friend (that worked in a different office). I didn't pick up on that initially, but she was talking against her friend to us. I know my name is getting negatively portrayed by her now. I had an odd interaction with one of her friends. I walked into a restaurant and she was there with somebody else. She started to whisper and ignore me. Odd. I was meeting my friends there too. Her coworker just blew us all off.  I just want stuff and all of the drama to be done. I don't want this girl. I don't want to be friends with this girl even. Just treat me like an adult.