BPDFamily.com

Hi, I am fairly new.
 
For those with adult "kids" (with grandkids) with this... .How do you handle the ups and downs?

One day we get the big apology as she is realizing that she truly has BPD and is learning about it and how it works.   (yes... I am thankful that she acted quickly and sent us a text with her apology of acting so crummy and manipulating me before her brain tucked it away)   
Then today she posted on FB something forwarded from a BPD "support" (whine) group about "growing up in an abusive household being a trip... .if you've ever had someone fold a sock at you angrily... ."

sorry... .my eyes rolled.
i got a bit angry.

really?   washing a dish angrily or folding a sock angrily constitutes "abuse"?

Im glad she is learning... .Im glad she is open to finding ways to navigate this... .Im glad that her boyfriend is also trying  his hardest to keep things "on the rails" over there for her and the 3 boys.
Im glad she got help and is trying to seek help although it is taking weeks and months to get things on track with counselors and meds (although she quit counseling because "Ms. XYZ was a jerk"... .and now has to wait weeks until she gets a new one... .)

I know her meds are off... .but to get seen to get them fixed takes weeks or a trip to the ER and she didn't want to go to the ER for fear they would admit her and she'd be away from her kids again.

But... .its days like today when she posts about her "abusive" childhood that makes me want to scream.   I know... .it is her PERCEPTION of reality... .and most of her friends know her "story of abuse" and if they probed further found out that it doesn't exactly line up with what most everyone else considers "abuse"... .it kinda just sounds like normal life but to her it was terrible... awful... .   and that is the reason that most of her friends have slipped quietly out the back door and ignore her.

Im waffling between the hope of her therapy working and the utter despair that everything I had hoped for in her life is going to be utter shambles and I have absolutely no control in how awful her life could be.
And... .the constant upheaval... .and the mental health of the 3 little boys.

when she is doing "ok" she is a good mom... .but... there were lots of times she was so into her own little self circle... .she was NOT a good mom.

Im learning to figure out when to interact, when to pitch in, when to validate... .and when to ignore the attack and requests for more more more... .with only the teensiest of thank you's.

I guess... .what i want to know most is... .Im not alone.  This isn't what we envisioned our kids life to be... .and there is a lot of fear mixed in the hope that things will get better.

im not sure how to edit a post... .

but... .i just read another post on the boards here that makes sense... .

there is the grieving of what i THOUGHT was
 
 the illusion... .of what COULD BE

Hi there jacksmom

Welcome to the forum and the parenting board. I feel your pain about the behaviours and your grief for the daughter you thought you'd have. Life's tough, life's not fair.

For me, the grieving lasted a long time as he didn't have a diagnosis. I was like a ball in a pinball machine being tossed around emotionally. It was only when I read up on BPD that I really started to understand the diagnosis (at 24 - do we ever really understand this complex and crazy disorder?) and importantly, his limitations. My BPDs had a very skewed view of his childhood, in fact it was only last year that he could look at childhood photos. I'm glad you see that it's her perception and she can't help it.

It's brilliant that she's seeking help and has found herself a support group. My BPDs has only recently decided to seek treatment so it's very early days. He loves  to wear his BPD label on social media though. It took him a while to digest his diagnosis and come to terms with it. Diagnosis is a massive deal. It sounds like your daughter needs the time to process it in her own way too.

I've come off Facebook as I decided it was only making me sad and anxious. I used to stalk my BPD when he was a teenager and even had his password to his account for a while. It drive me crazy to see what terrible things he got up to, how disrespectful he was to me in particular, how far he was involved in drugs. It tore my heart. I walked away from it for my own well being. He's an adult, makes his own choices and it has nothing to do with me.

I've improved my communication and validation skills on the forum. This has saved my relationship with my son and kept my family together. When I wobble, start to get over anxious I post and try and read up again. It helps me find balance again.

The only thing you can do is change how you react to your daughter. If her behaviour on social media is hard to handle then this is in your control.

I'm glad you're here. You're not on your own and this is a lifelong journey. There's hope for your daughter and her family. She's lucky to have you and you clearly love her.

Have you read any books on BPD yet or have only just started?

Hugs

LP

PS.  You can immediately edit your post by selecting Modify on the top right hand corner of your post.

Yes, she's recently diagnosed but looking back I can see it's affected her for decades. It's like suddenly all the mistakes and "bad decisions" and her irrational accusations make sense... .although still painful.

She had an appt today and although she said she wanted to go, when I check on her right before she was sleeping. Arrived 25 min late and they rescheduled her.
Her boyfriend is hanging in their and is getting informed on the disorder

I have walking on eggshells, just bought Buddha and the Borderline and Stronger than BPD

BUT was cautioned by my therapist to not do more work on her healing than she is... .separate my life and live MY life
Hard to do since I've been covering and protecting her... .and enabling... .

Thank you for such a lovely reply

Hi


This is excellent advice. I found it hard too. I was reminded that everything that he should do for himself, as an adult, he should do himself. There's a clear line of responsibility. I get confused about this, particularly when I know he's going to fail or is struggling. I kind of justify doing something even when I know I shouldn't. Now, when I feel this way I ask the question to myself "is this my problem or his?". It's always his. I try and leave it where it belongs while I emotionally support him through his bad choices. He's learning problem solving skills himself. His choices, his consequences. This is how he learns, this is how we all learn isn't it?

I did two things at once. The above, releasing the responsibility over to him was a relief. I also worked hard on improving our relationship. Those books you've got will help you. With better communication and validation skills our relationship strengthened. This puts me in a better place to effectively support him - the right way. I don't react, I'm calm. I'm being the parent he needs, assertive and loving. I trip up, I make mistakes but slowly we've moved forwards and have progressed.

It can be overwhelming so take your time. Baby steps. One day at a time.

What kind of things do you do to take care of yourself? (if any!). There's a tendency by us parents that we've given our lives over to BPD so it's not easy to move away from this mode and do things just for yourself.

I signed up on a college art course and it's really helped me. So you've said LIVE my life - what kind of things do you think you'd like to do?  I hope you do them because I can tell you I got a little squeal of delight as I started to change as everybody looked at me and ask "where are you going?", "oh, just out to my art course".  I started to demonstrate to them behaviours I want to see in them, they see how to take care of themselves, by us taking care of ourselves.

What kind of things do you enjoy doing?

LP

revisiting this post... i started it in 2017...and here we are in 2022

so much of it has repeated in cycles.

this is the first time we have been in a NON TALKING mode for more than a month.
its actually very nice to not have all that cortisol racing in my body.

She actually DOES seem like she is handling life ...so I'm ok with the relative silence.
MERCY i miss the grand boys so much.
But...there will be time.

I got them a couple hours on Mother's Day...and they know I adore them and they expressed it back to me.  They cannot wait to swim in our pool this summer.
(if she lets them lol)

Hi JacksMom,

I am pretty new to this too - our adult daughter (19) seems to be pretty high functioning, but one of your sentences struck me: 'This isn't what we envisioned our kid's life to be'.  How do others cope with this grief?  Because that's kind of what it is isn't it?  Grief that their life is going to be difficult and full of obstacles you cannot even imagine :(  How do I not take on that grief?  How do I not feel responsible for this? 
We have always done everything in our power to give our kids a wonderful life.  The trauma she has suffered has been at the hands of an older male relative, and kids at school (significant bullying), but we have done what we think is everything we can to help her to cope with these things.  We have provided therapy and counselling appointments, love and patience, and tried to adapt our communication styles to better work with her needs, but we still have difficult periods.  I need to have hope that we can help her to be happy.

rockbottommum

hi jacksmom,
thanks for coming back here and checking in

I also have grandsons.. and a pool. lol

I am through all the stages of grief, probably in acceptance, but with new info still feel angry at times.   You are so brave to accept what is (radically right?) to peek at a Facebook post is brave.  I don't do that, but I do look at Instragram photos of grandchildren that will probably never know me and my husband (those are the girls of my other step daughter). 

I don't know what's what anymore and my step daughters are not even in therapy...if one or both are Personality disordered, who knows.  I just know when I spoke to my therapist yesterday she validated me and I know I should have hope. 

But also realize getting anyone into therapy (besides myself) is only the  first step.

hugs to you

b