BPDFamily.com

My Husband shows traits of BPD. Since I have come to know of this condition, I have read a lot and started things like validating and listening actively... .empathising etc ... .I think these are working and now the outbursts have reduced... .
However, my husband is a smoker and drinks as well. Earlier it used to be once or twice a week ... .but in the recent past his drinking has increased to everyday... .Sometimes he asks me to give company, otherwise he goes with his friends... .
Mostly its late in the night and hence he always goes to bed late in the night and then gets up late and the cycle continues... .

I want to stop this and want him to reduce his drinking... .I have discussed this with him many times but he always says "Yes, I know will reduce and drink only once a week" or "This is the last for the month" etc... .but it never ends... .as the sun sets he finds reasons to go out and drink... .He just doesn't say "No" to friends and if the friends are busy with some other work , he will ask me to accompany him. When I go with him I get a lot of time to spend with him and talk to him ... .he also talks a lot during this time and I can know what is going on in his head ... .

When we drive home he is drunk and still drives and taking advantage of this I have set a boundary with him that I will not give him the keys of the car in the evening ... .as he drinks and then drives which is dangerous ... .He has said "OK" but I know when the time comes he will force/pressurise/cajole me into giving the keys ... .I am hoping to be firm on this ... .

But secretly in my heart I am very scared ... .scared that when I will be firm... .there is going to be a lot of drama and verbal abuse thrown at me for several days... .

I need advice on ways of handling this situation and try to reduce or control his drinking habit... .

 

Do you have Alanon groups in your area? That would be the best place for you to get advice and encouragement. You can not control someone else... .only what you do. I am sorry you are having this trouble, but you need to take care of yourself first. You cannot help him. Trust me, I tried to help my alcoholic exh and my drug addicted exbf before that. All the love in the world does not fix it. Sorry... .you can make an ultimatum, but then you must stick with it or be walked on. Try to look up Alanon support groups online as well. I know how awful it can be for you... .scary and exhausting. Sometimes programs can get them to stop for awhile. They have to want to. My ex never wanted to. 

As I said on another thread I have experienced this and it is a tough one. It is quite common for BPD sufferers to use drugs/alcohol to 'self -sooth' but the presence of these substances makes it difficult to treat the underlying condition, and create a whole host of serious problems in itself - you mention drunk driving as one very real danger! It also can make your life a misery and one lived on your nerves 24/7.

Herodias is right, you cannot control another persons drinking and in trying you can end up destroying yourself - you can set boundaries but they must be stuck to with absolute determination and yes that will be very difficult.

If your husband recognises the problem and really wants help he will need to do this for himself, all the persuasion, cajoling etc in the world will not work but you can do something for yourself and Al-Anon is the best place to start.

I am guessing you might be in the UK, unless a very remote location most cities and towns have regular meetings, it took a lot of courage on my part to attend my first meeting but I can honestly say I have never looked back as the support and help I have received has made a huge and positive difference to my life.

Hugs