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I ended the relationship in January 2016 and what followed was a heartbreaking year long, completely confusing, break-up. I haven’t seen him since April 2016. The last time I heard from him was several weeks ago. He left a message, but when I called back he didn’t pick up so I let things be.

My heart used to race whenever I heard from him. I was so shell-shocked, traumatised from the push/pull, the rages and devaluation, but I'm much calmer these days. He sent me an email tonight and included a link to a song he played me when he asked me to get engaged. He wrote:

We both know it's over now.

You can say what you will, but I know you let us down.

I couldn't have tried harder and I loved you deeply.

All the best L. Be tough and loving. Try to transcend from time to time.

I didn’t let us down and in fact tried hard, too hard to make it work, put up with unbelievably cruel things. Gave up on myself and lost a lot. He, of course, doesn’t see that. He seems to be blaming me, "I know you let us down". He’s saying goodbye to me again too. “All the best” is a favourite line of his when he says goodbye to me. I’m not sure what “be tough and loving” means and what does he mean by “try to transcend from time to time”? Transcend what?

I’d like to respond, not to defend myself, not to argue that it was him that let us down, not to invalidate his claim that he couldn’t have tried harder or that he loved me deeply. In his way I think he did love me, sometimes. He also hated me sometimes.

I'm still hurt. Still battling serious depression which seems to be winning lately, but still I'd like to be kind now. I think he’s feeling sad. I'm feeling sad. We both lost out.

Can anyone help me out please? What is a kind response?

I'm sorry he sent this to you.

As with most pwBPD, he is fighting an internal conflict of some sort and felt the need to include you.  My ex did this about every two weeks until I finally cut off all communication.  They have no empathy for how their actions will effect you, they just do what they need to do to fulfill their own desires with no regard of your needs or feelings.

The message seems very encrypted so there is no way any of us could interpret it... .especially if you can't.  You know him best.  I would not respond in any way.  You know you gave it your best and that you were the one who tried to do all you could to save the relationship so don't buy in to what he wrote.

I suggest you block him from all communication if possible.  That's what I had to do and it has been a real help.

His message doesn't seem confusing at all. It says "I'm great, you sucked, try not to suck as much."

The best response would be to ignore it. Second best would be to respond "F*** you."

Larmoyant,

This is terrible. So sorry. We are all here for you of course. My ex did something similar at the end. It's just a projection. A cruel, misdirected, and sad attempt to force you to be part of his disordered thoughts. I am so glad you are away from this man. Hang in there and keep on doing you!

Marti

Hi Larmoyant,

Depression is tough, I'm sorry  


Are you thinking about asking him Why? My advice to you is to take really good care of yourself, think about what you need first, think about you, he won't give you an answer that will make this feel better, if you're looking for closure, you can give yourself closure.


I don't see anything that is valid to respond to honestly. I think that he's putting his feelers out, he's testing to see if you're still attached. It's probably not something that you want to hear, I'm sorry.

Hey Larm, I'm with Mutt: I don't see why this message merits a response, which will just open yourself up to more pain.  Plus, by responding you are giving the power back to him by putting the ball in his court.  He can ignore your response, which will be painful, or he can respond in a way that will probably be disappointing to you.  I don't see the upside, either way.  Agree w/Mutt: treat yourself with kindness and compassion, and look for closure from within.  LJ

"Who is this?" or "I see you've not been sectioned yet, shame" or "Sorry im heading out on a date with a normal person"

Hi Larmoyant

I had to look it up in the dictionary… so roughly translated:

I know it’s over now
I can say what I will, but YOU know I let YOU and us down
YOU couldn’t have tried harder by loving ME deeply.
All the best  I’ll need to be though and I need love

So what I figure out is that HE is in pain, going through a rough time and NEEDS to project it to the one once closest to him.
And yes, sorry for being blunt, the one that (IN HIS MIND) let him down.
Don’t know if he has a new gf, but if, of course he can’t project his destructive feelings to hat woman. He would destroy his own fairy tail!

He needs to be comforted, therefore ‘reaching out’, therefore blaming AND hoping for your response.
Taking that bate will result in:
He, the Vesuvius, will show that full blown outburst and be satisfied, calmly rests down when his lava pipe is empty.
Just what HE needs…
And leaving YOU again(!) wondering and grieving.   

As others said, there is no way at all to respond to this.

Please think about yourself, you are worth it, you are worth so much more! 

I’ve come to my senses. I think it was the song that drew me in. It’s ‘our’ song. It was playing when he asked me to marry him so it’s loaded with emotion. I sobbed when I played it, but I’m ok now.

Having had a day or so to think I realise that I made an awful lot of assumptions about what he was thinking/feeling. I assumed he was feeling sad, with all those mixed up BPD emotions playing havoc with him, so wanted to make him feel better. Cue those (codependent) caretaking traits again. But all l I really know is that I feel sad. Who knows what he was feeling. I can pretty much guarantee he was drunk as it was sent at midnight on a Friday. Rereading it through others eyes I realise that it’s not very nice. He’s still blaming and devaluing me in some way or other. So, I’ve taken the advice here and not responded.

 C<|||, 2outfitter
.  
 C<||| Marti644
 .

I needed to remember this, thank you

 C<||| Flourdust
.
.

Couldn’t help but smile at the thought of telling him “F.U.”. In fact, I just put it out there, to the universe, and it feels pretty good.

 C<||| Mutt, I’m not seeking closure, at least I don’t think so. I was thinking about what he may be feeling, assumed he was feeling sad (like me) so wanted to make him feel better in some way, show some understanding and kindness. I think it was me that wanted some kindness. Unlikely where he’s concerned. I’m ok now, recovered quickly, and I agree, there is nothing for me to respond to.

 C<||| LJ,
.

Yes, a few weeks ago he left a message, but didn’t pick up when I called back. Just seemed to want a response from me then disappeared again. I think this would have been the same this time. Maybe he’s just checking the ‘attachment’ from time to time to help sooth himself.

 C<||| Replacement99
.

All good suggestions and admittedly each one has crossed my mind over the last year or so.  

 C<||| Dutched, thank you for the translation. Seeing the message through others’ eyes really opened mine. He does have a new girlfriend, well that’s what he told me a few weeks back. Said he loved me, but that he cared for someone else now so wouldn’t be in contact with me anymore. It’s highly possible that he upset her (he’s a massive rager) and needed to offload some energy and remembered me. I was an excellent punching bag if I say so myself. Not anymore. I'm glad not to have taken the bait.
 
Thank you for your replies. I was upset when I received this email, but I’ve recovered quickly. It’s given me a lot of hope that eventually this will all be behind me.

I haven't gotten emails, but have received similar communications.  Basically, "rescue me."

I still,  despite it all,  feel the need to rescue.  As my T said,  "there's nothing wrong with being kind, " and I am.  It's still hard to let go and not fall into the Rescuer dynamic.

Hi, Larmoyant, I admire you so much!  Head over heart!  You resisted the natural, bone deep urge we have to rescue and to assume they are thinking a certain way, and you used that wonderful intellect of yours to think this through.  I know how incredibly hard that must have been (right there now myself) but I just wanted to say WELL DONE.  It's amazing how music can be such a trigger for us - there are still things I can't even begin to listen to and probably never will.  I am trying to embrace the idea that I will never really let this go internally as well as I might, but that's ok.  People have far worse crosses to bear, and in the grand scheme of all the death/miscarriage/bankruptcy/divorce and crappy health I've been through, it amazes me that a breakup should be so resonant.  I know yours was a long drawn out process too, and he's still trying to draw it out for you... .I'm so glad to see you were so strong.  DAMN GIRL.  You ROCK.

I'm also sorry to hear that the depression is so difficult for you.  I had a long conversation with my T the other days about finally going on medication myself because I am starting to think that if I could get the chemicals balanced it would help me move on.  I don't know.  I don't know if it's okay to ask that on this board, but is it something you have thought about?  I have resisted medically treating my depression since adolescence, and now pushing 60 I'm starting to think that's pretty dumb.  Maybe we both owe it a shot... .I'm so sick of not being able to wear mascara because I cry it off all the time... .

Sometimes medication helps, although it seems something what i would normally wouldnt want to do it. However, i used it once and it helped me a lot. It was very small cycle. I had the problems that my heart was beating too fast because of anxiety and stress etc. And it really helped, also i did lots of walkings outside.

Hi L,

Why haven't you blocked him? I know this sounds simplistic, but wouldn't your life be so much better if you didn't have to deal with wondering what HE wants. Wondering how to respond to him. How many more years are you willing to give him access to your psyche?

The same pattern will repeat.  You sit there feeling sorry for yourself waiting for the next email or text excited wondering what hes up to THIS TIME. Knowing he still has the capacity to affect you he won't stop, and you won't heal.

Our members say this all the time.  Its often a sincere statement. And it always sounds bad to the other partner. :)


I might read it this way (yellow highlights) and respond with... . "and all the best to you".

Make it closure.

It sounds like projection to me too... .he is remembering you and feeling sad, but has to let you believe it's you even though he knows it's him. Amazing how clear it is to me now! I would ignore as well. That will bother him the most and you the least. It is hard, but it's best for you. Sorry you are feeling sad, but don't let him pull you in... .it's part of the trauma bonding, I believe. 

Turkish, yes, it's difficult. Sometimes he’d seem incredibly vulnerable and sad. Never lasted long, but had a powerful effect on me. Wrongly or rightly I imagined he was feeling sad and I wanted to reach out. It’s hard not to be affected.


Chillamom, thank you, it’s great my head is finally winning some of the battles! Admittedly, he makes it easier as he blames and devalues me, but still I could have pushed that part away and focused on what I assumed he was feeling and I didn’t, not this time. I feel really strong today. It’s a good feeling. I’m not being unkind by not answering and happy with the decision I’ve made.  

As for depression, it really is a long, arduous struggle out of the abyss and I’m sorry you’re in the same place. I have a prescription for an antidepressant in my bedroom drawer and I’m too scared to try it. My doctor said I might become slightly more depressed for the first few weeks and I don’t want to risk it, but maybe I might give it a go. I’m still hiding away for the most part and no doubt at all my brain chemistry is out of whack. It’s encouraging to hear that it can work, thanks  C<||| happendtome. Let me know how you go, Chill, and by the way 60 is the new 40  |iiii

.

Rayban, I did block him, but I feel stronger now, and likely misguided, but I’m ok with responding if it’s respectful and civil between us. It obviously isn't right now. Admittedly, I’m still not completely sure about this, but I do feel stronger.


.

Well, I have just broken the pattern. I didn’t respond. I am getting stronger which means I’m healing. Do I engage in self-pity? Ouch, maybe. Is there a difference between self-pity and clinical depression? Maybe they cross over, but I’ve been dealing with a barrage of destructive negative thoughts and emotions, at times drowning in them. I have real, heart breaking reasons for being depressed. But I’m not just sitting around waiting for him to call. I’m walking, a lot, eating more, have stopped self-medicating with alcohol. Might sound small, but big, big steps for me. I’m trying to crawl out of a dark place and yesterday I had a small victory. I reached out here, saw something I’d missed and didn’t respond. Please don’t judge me for still thinking about him. Detaching is a process and as I’ve been told it will take as long as it takes, but I feel like I’m healing. I feel like I’ve come a long way.

Skip, that’s a good response, but today, I’ve decided that I don’t want him to keep saying goodbye to me. I don’t need to be told “all the best” over and over. I’m not going to reward it with a response. Last December he told me he loved me, but cared for someone else now. I accepted it, told him I loved him too and we wished each other well. That was releasing with grace for me.

Re-reading his words there doesn’t seem to be much I can respond to anyway. It seems more like a series of statements. If he ever writes to me and asks me a question I might answer, but he hasn’t asked me anything here and I can only guess what he might be feeling. I’m going to leave it at that, but thank you for the suggestion.

Herodias, yes, it’s surely part of the trauma bonding. The song was a huge trigger and tweaked at those strings. I’ve been avoiding music because he has sent me so many “broken hearted” songs that it’s painful to listen now they’ve come true! This was what he was expecting of course, me to abandon him, and it happened. It really is so sad. He can be such a lovely person sometimes.

Larmoyant,

I really admire you for pausing in the midst of your difficult feelings, and not reacting. That can be very difficult for so many of us. You have shown all of us here that things do change; we can change our responses. And that our feelings also transform—maybe not on our timeline, but they do. It's a tough, tough road, I know, but you are coming out of it stronger and with more self-compassion.

Well done, your post is inspiring. 

heartandwhole

heartandwhole, you make me feel ‘understood’ and for that I will be forever grateful, thank you   

We must remember that the more we try to rescue a PWBPD, the more pain we cause for both people.

Yeah, what Skip said a bit ago... .

And take this statement as a very sad but true statement:

The hardest he could try, the best he could do was what you got. (And that was what drove you to break up with him in January!)

You may *wish* he was capable of treating you better than he did, but he wasn't.

Hello Larm,

It's been awhile ... .we've discussed & shared a more than a few things about our respective BPD experiences. It is & has been a difficult journey for the both of us. I read your first post & it gave me concern that you were still slogging through the BPD swamp knee deep in it. I read the responses of heartandsoul, Mutt & Lucky and they gave you some great support & ideas of how to deal with your BPD poking his head up yet again.  Then I read your latest response ... .I must say you should be so very proud of yourself for your thoughts, actions and probably more important your lack of actions. 

It appears that you've learned that the best thing to do when one's respective pwBPD reaches out is NOT to respond. You've come a long way Larm. YOU are correct ... .YOU have been healing ... .YOU are stronger and I can see this in your post responding to others. You have learned a lot in self care by walking, eating better and stopped self medicating with alcohol. You're correct in saying that detaching & healing from a pwBPD is a process, a very long & hard process at that. As I've said to the new ones who arrive at this sight, no one will judge you because we've been where you are and we know the pain first hand, we know the journey that is in front of you.

I've also said to you & others that this journey is yours & yours alone to walk. Along the path you will stumble & fall from time to time, we all have on our respective journey's. But you're not alone, look up & someone from the group will hold out a hand to pull you up. We'll straighten you up, dust you off, give you a hug, then pat you on your butt & tell you to keep walking. It's then up to you to continue to walk down the path your currently on, choose another path and see where that leads you or you can sit back down and do nothing, feel sorry for yourself and remain in the BPD swamp.

YOU my friend have just stumbled on your journey, Mutt, Lucky, Heartandsoul & others all have held out their hand to pull you up. You got up on your own two feet, you dusted yourself off and changed the path you are now walking. GOOD FOR YOU~!  You are doing so well & should be so very proud of yourself as we all are.

Clinical depression is a demon that is hard to slay ... .I know first hand. Depression isn't just feeling sad, but as you point out brain chemistry for a variety of reasons known and not known by science that deeply affects your behavior.  But you're an incredibly strong person with a good soul, heart & mind. You know that you can come here in moments of uncertainty, of weakness and there will be the help & support that you need to get you through those moments in time.

You have learned a lot Larm, from professional mental health experts, from your own experiences and from others. You have learned meaning of trauma bonding, how songs can "trigger" your emotions and more importantly how to avoid those things that might trigger you. You know that these are HUGE accomplishments on your BPD journey and another reason to be proud of your progress.

You have learned that pwPBD is a very very broken person unlikely to have any sense of a normal life. You know that it will take decades of constant mental health care for the pwPBD to get to some level of "management" of their condition with no real "cure" to be had. BPD is a Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that is unfair to the NON who fell in love with them and certainly unfair to the person who has it. You're right in your assessment of his words, "There doesn't seem to be much there to respond to".  This is a huge step and you know this ... .to realize that there is nothing you can say or do in response to their words or actions or in actions to ever really make progress or make things better in the r/s.  Another giant step on your journey.

Your post is full of awesome knowledge you've learned ... .I read & reread and smile that you're no longer in your BPD swamp. You're finally walking on solid ground on your journey. I'm so happy for you Larm ... .I really am. 

J

I've gotten similar messages. She didn't take responsibility for her behavior  (victim mentality)and continued to blame and accuse me. She even accused me of cheating on her as being the reason that I left when even SHE should know better. I said that she was a damned fool and ended all communication with her.

JQ, I’ve been meaning to respond to say thank you because your post encouraged me so much, but I wanted to wait until I was sure that what I was feeling (strong and determined) was going to stay. It has taken me a long, long time to escape the FOG. I first posted on here in June 2015! I am, at long, long last getting to the point of acceptance. I’m going to write back soon to talk about what’s happened in the hope that I can help someone else. But for now, for those who are suffering please know that you can and will get through this. It’s difficult and painful, but you will. I will be starting from scratch, rebuilding my life, but I have, somehow or other, developed hope for myself. THANK YOU so much BPD Family. 


G.K. Looking at it like that helped such a lot, thank you 

Hi Larm,

Not to worry  *)  You are strong ... .you are confident ... .you are determined ~ !  It has been your journey & you should be proud of the accomplishments to escape the FOG one foot in front of the other.

I look forward to reading about your experiences that you're going to share with others & help them along their journey.

J