BPDFamily.com

Growing up, my mom and I were always really close. I think all-in-all she was the most loving and supportive mom I could have. I loved spending time with her, and I knew she had my back no matter what, except during those rare times when she would suddenly become irrational and enraged. It didn't happen often, but the times it did were very confusing for me. She never hit me or anything, but she would blame me for "ruining" events, making her look bad, or being selfish and overly sensitive. Afterward she wouldn't really remember. Even now she boasts about how we've never had a fight, which simply isn't true. I also remember her being very depressed for most of my life; when I was 11 she told me that I was the only reason she hadn't killed herself yet. Since then, I've felt responsible for her.

Now that I'm in my mid-twenties, I've had the chance to get to know her as a fellow adult. Over the years I started noticing patterns as I watched her go through countless relationships, lose her friendships, get fired from her career, threaten to sue my dad, and even go to jail. I used to think she was a victim because that's what she told me, but the older I get, the more I have come to perceive her as an instigator and someone who seeks out crises in her life. I am her only support person, as she doesn't open up to her family and insists she has no friends (even though it seems like her coworkers really care about her and want to be her friend).

Since I was about 15, she has become more and more dependent on me, confiding in me about the details of her reckless sexual behaviors, her suicidal thoughts, and how she has been victimized throughout her life. It's only gotten more pronounced since I began going to school to be a mental health counselor. I still feel responsible for her, especially given that I'm the only one she feels comfortable opening up to, but she doesn't feel like my mom anymore. She feels like my client.

It's not fun to be with her anymore. Whenever I see her, she talks at me for hours about the same stories she's been telling me for years, just different characters. I give her the same validation and advice, but she ignores it. Lately she's been obsessed with finding a relationship, proclaiming that her life will be perfect if only she could settle down with the "right" person (aka: a nonexistent perfect person with no flaws or shortcomings). She looks at my relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years, and she says, "if only I could find a relationship like yours." Even when I explain to her that my boyfriend and I fight like every other couple, she idealizes it in a distorted way.

I feel selfish, but it's exhausting to be with her. I feel disconnected from her, and I find myself avoiding her. I think she senses that I'm pulling away because now when I see her, she nonchalantly tells me about her self-destructive behavior, like having sex for money or taking all sorts of pills with alcohol. I feel like she does this to get me to stay closer to her, to validate that I still care about her. And I do still care. I'm concerned, but I also recognize that she's manipulating me.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. When I have tried to set up boundaries with her, she just ignores them (which is my fault because it feels too mean to enforce those boundaries). Right now it feels like it's never going to get better.

Hi Angora! 

Welcome!

Your story sounds so familiar to me, and I know it will to most of the members here. You are part of our family here where we listen and do our best to support one another.

Your eyes are opening up and seeing more clearly all the time. That is a wonderful thing.  |iiii It is hard though, isn't it? I am really sorry for all the pain and sadness you have gone through and are currently going through. Have you taken a look at the list over on the right side of our board? Any one that you click on will open up with more detail. Where do you think you are?

Since you are working on mental health in your schooling, do you know of a T who is familiar with BPD who you could see for help? This is certainly not a journey to go alone on as you begin to discover and uncover the effects of having a BPDm. We will be here to walk along with you.

What other questions do you have? I would say that one of the first things to do is to allow time and energy and kindness for you to be paramount. In order to best help your mom in ways that are appropriate and not enabling, you need to begin with you. It is perfectly okay and healthy for you to do so. What kind thing will you do for yourself today?

 
Wools