BPDFamily.com

PwBPD is in a dark place. This seems to be part of our cycle... .whenever he explodes and treats me poorly he goes through a period of defiance (look what you made me do) followed by a period of fairly genuine shame (though he still plays the victim - "I don't think you know how hard it is when you push me to do things, this emotional stuff kicks my ass... ."

During these times he will frequently say things like: "I know I don't give you what you need. You should go out there and find it."

I cant decide if he is hoping that I will, which spares him from having to end the relationship - or if this is his way of seeking some reassurance. He has also started hitting the video games hard core and he is hardly answering texts. Friday evening he cried to me "what is wrong with me, why am I avoiding my son? Why am I avoiding the people I care about? (I assumed this meant me in regards to the dropping off of communication.)

This stuff is so hard for me. When he is combative and argumentative I distance emotionally and have an easier time imagining ending things (or at least that I would have an easier time emotionally if things ended... .) When he is sad and shame filled it pulls on every instinct I have to help and be supportive. Sadly, this is the closest it ever gets to being "calm", sigh.

Any thoughts on how to respond to that particular statement that is not completely dysfunctional and enabling?

"Oh my goodness... .listen... .if you are interested in talking about my needs, we should schedule some time for a conversation.  Let me know what works best for you and I'll give my needs some thought.  It means a lot to me that you are giving this your attention."

Here is the thing... .don't try to figure out words to "solve" his stuff.  Be supportive, appreciative and "there" for him to the extent it is healthy for you to do so.

Some of the questions he is bringing up are better handled with a professional.  Your job is to avoid trying to handle stuff beyond your capability.  

FF