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Had lunch with the kids and their mother today.  She seperated from her H the first week of January.  Christmas night they both called the cops on each other for DV. It's a wonder one or both of them weren't arrested.  No drama since then.  

D5 (who turned 5 last week) asked,  "mommy,  are you still married?" Our kids are kind of loud, we were in a restaurant.  Mom turns towards me, gives a look,  and said, "yes." Of course the kids will wonder as we've been spending more time together as a family,  even broken. H hasn't been around.  He wasn't invited to D5's birthday party last weekend.  I almost want to step in and tell her exactly how to handle this.  I'm suppressing my Rescuer tendencies.  

S7 pipes up,  in a loud voice given his autistic tendencies, "mommy,  why aren't you still married to daddy?" Oy vey. We've lived apart for 3 years now. She told them that these questions were ok,  but that they were better asked at home.  

Naturally,  the kids wonder given the situation,  and that she wasn't honest with them neither why we split,  nor why she did from her H. A month or two ago,  S7 told me,  "H moved out to make money because he couldn't afford a house." This of course pissed me off. One,  it's not a reason to divorce; two,  homes in our county average $1M. 30 year old Apartments "converted" into condos are $450k. BS excuse for a divorce,  and I don't want the kids thinking that's a reason to abandon a marriage. Values,  you know?

I left the kids with her.  I get them tomorrow for two days.  I think I need to coordinate with her how to spin this without triggering her shame.  I know she feels shame and regret.  My primary concern is the kids,  the they don't internalize this as normal.  It's like our son told me two years ago,  "mommy left because you didn't keep the house clean enough" or "I'm going to get married,  then get married again," mirroring his mom. That comment broke my heart.  

Maybe ask them what they think about why the H left?

I imagine the (lame) excuse given is also a way to tidy up any messy feelings of attachment they might have developed and or fears about stability in general.

Were they in the home when the cops were called?

D5 awoke to see the cops. 

They were told H moved out until he could save up money to get a house with them.  Lame excuse,  and it further serves to justify separating over trivial things.  S7 still thinks he lives in the old apartment on the other side of the mega complex. 

I like this.   Asking the kids what they think happened is a good idea.  It's good validation to their personhood to actually be able to talk about things safely.   What they saw, heard and felt is different than the official line so their imaginations fill in the gaps.   This can sometimes be worse than the truth.   

I agree.  It's validating in advance to ask someone how they view things.  With little kids,  it's still valid,  but it needs interpretation and context.

D7 receives in-home ABA treatment 3 evenings a week for his autism (I still think the Dx is BS, but I'm going along for the ride). D5 told the therapy tech tonight,  "mommy's husband is shorter than Mommy!" I said no,  that he's actually 6' (she's 4'11".

The therapy people only know part of the story.  They have access to the file for S7 and the mental health histories of the parents,  but they don't know about the abuse (verbal and physical that the kids endured).