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I have heard that they suffer deep in their soul (sometimes i doubt), but other than that? I see that they manage to sail through their life very easily. My ex is high functioning, and even though there are some people who think she is terrible then others see her just poor victim.

10-15% die by suicide, this is just the reported number.  Most have at least tried it or think about it. They can never be truly happy or content long term.  There craziness eventually destroys everything in their lives.  Just be glad you are not around the toxicity.  If they seem happy it's all fakebook propganada or a mask.

I don't know about everyone. But after the first discard and the two months that followed my ex told me she was doing so well. Getting more into yoga, working through her sadness etc etc. When she finally convinced me to come over to see her she showed me how she unplugged her tv in her bedroom. she said it became her "den of depression". So yeah, she might be happy now. But the happiness is always external. It will never be satisfied. But that makes me sad for her. Really really sad. I saw it first hand. That constant desire to find her identity through her job, hobbies, relationships, etc. And never being able to be happy with who she was in the moment. My heart will always ache for my exe's because of that.

This.

Happiness for my exBPD was always fleeting. She always became depressed with the fact that life was mostly a mundane routine... .get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat. Yes, when you think about it, that is somewhat depressing but it is what it is. As a result, she always had to reinvent herself with a new, exciting hobby, job or relationship. It drove her impulsivity and reckless living.  There was no thought of how her decisions affected others, finances or any other long term consequence. That's where eventually "karma" creeps in.

Both times my exBPD ended our relationship the conversation started with her saying... ."I'm not happy". Well, duh. The problem was, I was the first target of her unhappiness even though I lived my life trying to make her happy. It's a losing battle.

Why can we relate so well ? The second discard started with "I'm depressed. This isn't working. I don't want to be in a relationship." But a week before she was talking about how we should plan a vacation & how she missed me when I wasn't with her. But yes, she became depressed and I was always going to be the first cause of it. Losing battle indeed.

Yes, i saw that too. Everyday life was too boring for her. Even though, my ex-s job is lots of meetings, receptions etc. But still every weekend and even every evening she was afraid that she would miss something. She felt bad if she didnt do anything. I would have been happy if she would have done some of those things with her friends, but no, i had to be always there. However, she seems to be doing fine. I dont wish anything bad to her, but im just wondering.

I was the target of her unhappiness as well even though she told me many times how miserable she was for about 10 years before me. She seemed to forget that in the end. She is clearly a miserable person who has these ideas of the perfect man and perfect love and somehow that is going to save her. The problem is she treats her partners like complete trash and then blames them for everything.

Yes, we can relate.  On the days in which she was happy... .I was her gift and soul mate for life.  On the days in which she was not happy... .I, and our relationship, was the main reason for her unhappiness. 

The final time we broke up... .she was out of town on a Saturday and she sent me a text that read... ."I LOVED YOU TONS!".  On the very next day she came home and ended our relationship that evening after 3 years together.  I assume the Saturday text was because she was having a great day/weekend with girlfriends... .on Sunday she got depressed that the weekend was over and she had to go back to work on Monday.  I just happened to be home to receive the result of her depression.  To be completely honest, if I was not at home at that time or even asleep when she came home, we would still be together today (well, at least until the next depressed day came along and reared its ugly head).

I just couldn't continue to live a life in which I would wake up in the morning and wonder... .is today a depressed day and is the shoe is going to drop?

I hate BPD.

This. It's that self fulfilling prophecy. And the black and white thinking. I always used to tell her when I needed to talk about uncomfortable stuff that she had a disney view of a relationship. She didn't expect there to ever be disagreements or god forbid prince charming was upset and wanted to process it a little. it was frustrating to not have her see that if we talked like adults about these things we would grow so much closer and stronger together. But it was like trying to describe a color to a blind person.

Mine has a room he lives out of too. He felt he needed to be alone for life as he always hurts people. He felt safe there in the room.  It's where his computer was and where he was on 2nd life and you tube videos.  In the end he chose that room over me.
He would get anxious with me being at his house but had updated his online profile he's rejoining the world soon, 
Thanks for posting this as it  reminded me of who he really is and unless my x is superman it's not a quick fix for him to renter  the living again,   

So I haven't seen the karma yet ... or was I living the karma from past relationships failed with him.l? Was him being a recluse the result of him hurting others .   As he said in one of his final texts before taking out the protective order... .he meant no harm and he tried to break up twice and I wouldn't let him go.

I'm going to start taking better care of myself use the court date this summer as motivation as I wouldn't want him to see how badly I'm damaged.   
He still has a few months to act out impulsively, which I hope he does

This is my x exactly.  He thought we should not disagree and if I sent any texts at all he saw it as him hurting me and would read them over and over and tell himself how horrible he is.
I even said that to my x once that relationships aren't easy and people disagree and the only time he hurt me was when he broke up with me.
He knew who he was and what he does to people... .he warned me and is in therapy... .  he took it way too far though in getting a protection order and it's that hurt I just can't get over.   It def is black and white thinking and the reason he has no friends and no long term relationships,   

I wonder, is this karma?

What we, back then, failed to see is an emotional immature person in a mature body.
Otherwise with normal skills, also socially and with feelings.
Feelings of joy and hurt that is experienced more deeply than an average person.
 
A 4 -5 yr. old is emotional immature.
 Reading about developmental stages of kids, it becomes very clear that a 4-5 yr old still relies on the caretaker (obvious).
Interesting though is (those with kids will recognise it) that joy, happiness, interest and concentration have a limited time span before getting bored.
The kid needs instant gratification
The kid explorers in a self centred world, not aware (consciousness) of the impact on others.
The kid needs a caretaker to fulfil (just unconsciously) needs, help to get challenged, be occupied (interested) again and to be soothed in order to survive.

Toys meanwhile, were exchanged with (mature) activities.
Social active in the neighbourhood, being creative, showing off in order to be praised, seeking fulfilment in busy jobs or, as we know some, as artist (praised and praised again with a instable private life…).

“when the audience is gone, they cease to exist”...

One day we crossed the path of that mature kid.
Still self centred exploring the world
Still relying on others to feel whole, to feel good, to explore, to be challenged, to be soothed.
Copied even all our interests… our values… copied us… 

And there was you, their stand in parent…
To being loved, fill up that emptiness again, that need, that joy.

Failed however, as every one will, as no one will be able to do for them.
That’s why:
“I am bored” / “I need something else” (but never know what) / ‘YOU make me miserable”  etc.
That’s why:
I love you – I hate you / I need a hug – but DON’T touch me” / go away – be there when I need you

It is Borderline… better Border Line…
Challenging themselves and others at the edge of that Border, taking ‘risks’  to feel, to make YOU feel as THEM.

The title was about Karma.
I see surviving in their rollercoaster.

Just a kid that jumps in, fail, stand up, tries again, stumble, fail and keep trying without EVER being able to figure out the reason for their own struggle.
So it must be you, must have external causes, the world?

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t justify, I try to explain. 
Been there 30+ yrs. and experienced all, even in a last in a blink of an eye. 

Mine has karma all the time, but does he see it that way or is he just a victim... .not sure. I think they know what they do is wrong, but try to avoid taking the blame or feeling it. Sometimes I think we are the ones suffering the karma for getting involved in the first place. But we didn't deserve that... .no one does. Personally, I am having a hard time believing my ex is happier in his current situation. I am sure at some point he will say, I tried... .sorry, but I am not happy and move on again. He told me he will never be happy. He told me he "tried" to stay married to me... .I think he will say he "tried" to be a good Father and leave his gf and child eventually. I think she has her karma for cheating on her husband with mine and ending up with someone like him and getting pregnant when she didn't even know him. He will just go along in his misery unable to be happy or content with anything. I have seen that age makes no difference with them either as I know of people who have older relatives with BPD. Time doesn't heal them, only hard work. Karma for them is just a constant struggle to understand how the world works and how people get along.

I've seen the karma.

She nuked the bridge to me and tore through one person just to get what she wanted out of them, then discarded them for another person (whom she now lives with). She wrecked her car 3 times and begged mom for money (which leads me to believe the 3 wrecks were purposeful, and she hit property, not another car) ... .it didn't work. Now she doesn't have a car. She lost her job, likely due to the way she treats people like garbage.

She's miserable and taking it out on the roommate now. The roommate is the punching bag I used to be. Her smear campaigns against me don't work anymore, especially since the lies she uses can be easily refuted. She seems to forget that if you put something out on the Internet, the Internet doesn't forget.

She has no friends. She lied so much to the roommate, I'm kind of surprised she hasn't been kicked out yet (but everyone has a different "rock bottom". The lack of friends in real life is somewhat made up for online, but even those are few and far between because she keeps ripping them to shreds. If they so much as disagree with her, she goes on a tirade against them, verbally and emotionally assaulting people with abandon. Then she wonders why nobody likes her.

Her life as it is now is karma. She's thrown away so much that people had given to her, or helped her achieve. A great deal of her misery is self-induced. She's diagnosed, but refuses to believe it and refuses to go to treatment. She cries about how she's "depressed" and how nobody understands her depression, how people are out to "get her".

I do hope she gets therapy someday, but her misery is her karma. Herodias is right - time doesn't heal them. Only hard work does.

I used to wish "karma" on my ex. But when that karma seemed to come around (his mother stopping speaking to him, deep depression) I felt empathetic.
But people would often say to me the karma was going to come around to him whenever he hurt my feelings or discarded me so cruelly. But to my knowledge he is the one who let's people go. No one has given him a taste of his own medicine.

He's actually very content and happy now, with somebody who provides for him financially and emotionally and doesn't hold him accountable for his actions. He doesn't go to sleep in tears feeling like he's lost somebody. He doesn't miss anyone that he pushed away. Either he's left people hanging in anguish for not being forgiven for some minor slight, or he just doesn't really have the ability to miss people who showed him unconditional love and support and kindness.
The "karma" is that he really can never feel love from anyone. The disorder will always come back in some terrible form and he will perpetually sabotage his life.

Have I seen the Karma?

Oh, heck yeah, I've seen it!

I don't know whether my BPD ex-wife is "sailing through life" or not and frankly, I don't care, one way or the other.  We're divorced, so why should I?  We're not an "us" anymore.  Her life is hers to make whatever of it she wants to or can independent of me.  Thankfully, mine is now my own, too.  I care about mine.  Not hers.

I wanted a new Dodge Challenger since they re-introduced the model back in 2007.  She didn't want me to have one.  She's no longer sharing my bed, but I've got a black 2016 Challenger sharing garage space with my 4 X 4 Ranger and old but cherished 1999 Mustang.

That's the kind of Karma I care about.

When I was married to her, her perceived wants, needs, and desires always came ahead of mine.  Always.  All of the time.  Without fail.

Now, if I want to plug in my Keith Brawley "Super Strat" and play it loud, I do, and I play it all day long, if I want to.  If I want to play Foggy Mountain Breakdown on my old Deering banjo, I do so, without having to worry about BPD not being a huge Bluegrass music fan.

If I want to take my old '92 Schwinn Paramount road racing bike out for an all-day ride, BPD is no longer there getting in the way.  Dittos for hitting the trails on my Specialized Hardrock Disc 29'r. 

If I want a new over and under shotgun for sporting clays, I go buy one.  With BPD no longer in my life, I suddenly have plenty of money to blow on things like that.  I can buy as many flats of 28 gauge AA Super Sporting Shotshells as my little heart desires and take my kids out to as many family Sub-Gauge Sporting Clays Championships as I want to shoot.  BPD isn't there to get in the way of loading up a thousand 5.56 NATO rounds and it isn't there getting in the way of taking my AR-15 and my kids out for a day of paper-punching.  BPD isn't telling me that I can't take my kids to New Mexico for a quail hunt, either. 

Oh, heck yeah... .  Life is good... .

BPD used to create lots of creative reasons why I didn't need to introduce the smallmouth bass on Barren Fork Creek to the Pheasant Tail Nymphs I tied and it isn't there to throw a temper tantrum when I tie them.  It's not there telling me I can't go to Cabela's and buy all of the fly fishing junk I want to buy.  BPD isn't telling me "You can just forget about that" when I place an order for a new flats skiff, either.  And it won't be around in July when I go to Florida to pick it up and bring it home. 

BPD will probably tell all who listen to her that her child support paid for my boat, but the truth of the matter is that with BPD out of my life, I suddenly have plenty of money to do the things I want to do and buy the things I want to buy, even if BPD stopped paying child support tomorrow.  Besides, my kids like fly fishing, too... .  One actually likes driving the boat more than fishing, which works out well for me and my daughter... . 

I'll be sure to thank Karma when my kids and I are hooking up on speckled trout in the Laguna Madre this summer, fly fishing from a boat BPD didn't want me to have. 

So yes, I have seen the Karma, in a sense.  Stuff I wanted but the Poster Princess for BPD didn't want me to have is now stuff I have or have ordered.  Things I wanted to do that the Poster Princess for BPD didn't want me to do are now things I do whenever I want to, as long as I want to, as much as I want to.

My BPD ex-wife once told our couples counselor that she felt bad because divorce meant that I would be all alone for the rest of my life.  When the counselor asked her why she would say that, my ex-wife responded with "What other woman would possibly want to be with him... ."

Thanks to Karma, female companionship hasn't been a major problem in my post-separation life.  It hasn't been a problem at all.  All I have to do is project confidence, a sense of humor, a sense of detachment, a spirit of adventure, a willingness to flirt, and, where appropriate, a willingness to initiate physical contact.  If I do that to enough women during the course of my daily routine, finding one willing to go out on a date with me is pretty easy, even for a 52 year old single dad like me. 

I'm happy to be divorced from my BPD ex-wife.  I'm having fun in my freedom to date and meet new people.  I've meet lots of interesting, engaging, pretty women since I separated from my ex-wife.  Being single is fun to me.  I like it so much, I might be pretty content to remain so forever.

That's the kind of Karma I care about.  I might not have enjoyed traditional marital bliss during my 18 years of marriage to my BPD ex-wife, but I am totally enjoying the single life I've got now.  I have my kids, I have female companionship when I want it, I have every material possession I could want and then some, and I have the freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.  My life is indeed good.  Whether things are working out as swell for my ex-wife really isn't my concern.  Her happiness, emotional state, health, and welfare stopped being my concern when I caught her in the act of committing adultery and if it didn't then, it for darn sure did once I obtained a Final Decree of Divorce from the court.

In the past two years, my BPD friend has had at least 8 boyfriends, along with other guys who didn't last past the first date or two.  I would consider that karma.  She is constantly getting overdraft notices.  I would also consider that karma. 

Every single one of her relationships plays out in the exact same way.  She plays the victim, comes up with reasons for the guy to "take care of her," starts idealizing him because he is her knight in shining armor, finds things she doesn't like about him, ends the relationship, and finds someone new within a few days.  A year and a half ago, her electric was turned off, and that boyfriend let her stay at his place, made her breakfast, etc.  She also hurt her foot, and he took care of her. The guy from half of last year went out and bought her medicine when she was sick.  This current guy let her stay at his place when she was sick and brought her a candy bar at work today because she had cramps.  A few weeks ago, she managed to hurt herself when they went four-wheeling.  There's always some drama that she needs to be rescued from. 

And because they play out the same way, she will never be truly happy.  And I definitely consider that karma. 

10% of pwBPD die by suicide.  According to NIMH, 70% of pwBPD attempt suicide.  

I've seen the "karma" with the mother of my children.  It's it validating? In a way,  but it's a Pyrrhic validation, especially given that we have kids.  It's just sad.  The only hope I have is that at least she is even more aware now and not in complete denial like some.  

It feels similar to when my BPD mother admitted to me, only two years ago,  that she was BPD.  It felt anticlimatic, confirming what I already had figured out.  

My ex-s replacement has injuries and hopsitals after another. He is doing it by purpose i think. To beg symphaty. He has managed to do that quite well. Every time when there is some problem he somehow gets himself some injury and then my ex just goes oh, poor thing, lets discuss that thing later. Its so childish and ridiculous, but it works.
My ex did this thing also, but not in that level as my replacement.
I hate when people use something so serious as health issues lightly. It puts lots of stress for others and when its just for game then it makes me mad.

BPD creates the Karma.  IMO based on my SO's situation, it is inevitable that unless the person with BPD seeks help, seeks change, that their dysfunction will lead them to failure... .right away sometimes... .sometimes it takes longer, but failure is always coming.

I despise my SO's uBPDxw for the things she put him and their daughter's through and in the same breath I will say that I pity her too.

By her dysfunctional BPD actions she lost her husband, her relationships with her daughters, she's been evicted 3 times and has to rely on the kindness of others for a place to live, transportation places, she has no job, friends come and go, she is an embarrassment to her FOO, she has been convicted of fraud.

I've watched for almost 7 years as she has been stuck in her own "Ground Hogs Day" doing the same things over and over and not surprisingly getting the same results.  So the same cycles begin and fail over and over again.  Maybe it isn't Karma at all, maybe it's just BPD.

Panda39

Yes, I have seen the karma, but it was a slow burn and the problem with BPDs is they don't like to show their bad life to the outside world, so you have to be in luck or painted white to witness it.

After our relationship she was with the replacement after a month and started living together with him in the same year. After that first year she started contacting me at least monthly, telling me how bad he was for her, how crappy her life was, how bad she felt about herself. She probably felt the same things when she was with me though, heck, she probably talked to some other guy about it as well.

At the start of this year she finally left him and had to sell the house, so that made me feel kinda validated that its an endless cycle with them. Mind you, after that I fell for the recycle again and it only took a month to blow up in my face. She's pretending to be happy and care free now (on some level she probably is), and dating again and she'll probably repeat the cycle again. Love bombing, struggling, devaliation while looking for a recycle or new supply.

Thing is, you have to get off that rollercoaster, to fully heal and distance yourself you have to let it go and not wait for revenge or for karma to hit her. Because it means you care too much, and then once karma hits her you will probably start to feel sorry for her and fall for the trap once more. Its never ending, until you choose to get off that rollercoaster and live life for yourself and eventually potential new, healthy person(s). As long as you keep looking for validation in her living a crappy life, you'll never be truly free.

I got dumped for no reason after 5 months as she left to be with an ex for a 10 day holiday to see if he was "the one" that she was destined to be with for the rest of her life (of course, we had made plans over that same holiday, but I wasn't in the running for "the one" at that point) This guy had been "the one" 5 years ago when they were in a relationship and that relationship was the "gold standard" for all of her ensuing relationships... .even though they broke up because she was cheating on him (she has easily been with 40+ guys between him and me) But he has remained her BFF (read orbiter) that she has triangulated with all of her other relationships since.

She returned after that holiday having determined that her long time ex wasn't "the one" either. She spent a day with me at work (we have the pleasure of working together on a small staff) where she flirted with me, kissed me, and flashed me in an equipment closet (I seriously thought I was back in the running for "the one" LMAO), then she went to a party that night where she had several guys trying to have sex with her as she was drunk, but fortunately she was "rescued" by the owner of the house where the party was. Her rescuer is the best friend of her best (and only) girlfriend. Her rescuer and her girlfriend safely tucked her into bed and guarded the door the rest of the night to keep the "wolves" away.

And, of course, as you all guessed, her rescuer is now "the one." They are at her brother's wedding this weekend, the one I was supposed to go to with her, as "the one." 

In a span of 12 days, she was with 3 men, sexually, determining which one was going to be "the one." These 12 days epitomize the toxic, chaotic, relationships with Borderlines. Of the 90+ relationships she has had in her 10 years of dating, some last a night, some last several weeks, some last months, but the bottom line is that they all end in chaos. And even though all the discards rationally know that they dodged a bullet, we still struggle to wrap our minds and hearts around their behavior.

Man, I would love to see karma.

My ex abandoned me abruptly almost two years ago, and spent the next year after that destroying my ties to our mutual friends, who either believed that he had to say about me or "didn't want to get involved."  I guess they eventually got his number, but it was too little, too late for me.  They put enough time and effort into blaming me for my own victimhood that I will never trust any of them again.  The relationship lasted about 16 weeks.  The hellish aftermath is the gift that keeps on giving.  I am currently in therapy recovering from PTSD.

I do occasionally wonder what my ex is up to, and every now and then I stumble on a clue.  Turns out in a couple weeks he is going on vacation in the same place we went on our only vacation together.  He posted this in a very public place that I used to frequent.  I wonder if he's getting nostalgic and missing me at all, or if he will be after the trip.  You know why I hope he is?  Because I wouldn't touch him again with a 39.5 foot pole! 

A 12 meter pole?  *)

I actually found out about my ex's karma after the breakup.  When I went to talk to her friends about what she was saying about me (I was stalking and controlling), they told me not to worry too much about it in our "group".  They told me all the past stories about other stalkers, the bridges burned, and the horrible stuff she did to other people.  So many people have told her to get the f away.  She also told me once she hates herself and can't stop judging people badly.

Friday night I ended up at the same first stop as my ex.  I got there first and she showed up an hour later, looking pissed to see me.  One of our friends said "I heard you two broke up.  that's the best ending for you because she's an awful person.  She's alienated so many people, she's not going to be with the group much longer."

I think deep down they don't like themselves, and every breakup or withdrawal kind of solidifies that opinion. As my lcsw friend says "If you run into one ass, then maybe it's just them.  If everyone you run into is an ass, it's definitely you that's the issue.

Actually it's a very sad and depressing life that I wish on no one. Even after everything my soon to be ex DIL has said and done. It's a life of hell, always chasing happiness and satisfaction that she will never be able to experience. She didn't ask for this, her mom was the same way. I hate that she is destroying my Grandchildren. I hate the disease, but I feel sorry for her and everyone who has to deal with it. It sucks all the way around.

On the one hand, my ex's life is full of drama and instability.  I suspect he is a lonely person.  But on the other hand, he is like Teflon.  He accepts no responsibility, voices no regret, and in his mind is virtually perfect -- the ideal boyfriend just waiting to be discovered.  Granted, my ex (according to my T) has many narcissistic traits which may make him less pitiful than your typical pwBPD.  Nothing seems to be cause for introspection for him.  Since my personal misery is mostly caused by regret over things I've done wrong, I often wonder what it feels like to cause such destruction and feel nothing but a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

I understand GreenEyedMonster... .what I find is she is very good at convincing the world that she is the victim.  I have good days and bad days dealing with it.  When it hurts the people we love the most it's devastating.  She  seems to bounce back pretty quickly and go on to destroy the next guy.  Currently she is with a man who lives in another state who is a narcissist. I hear they plan on getting married. That's one of the reasons she is fighting for full custody, she wrongly thinks by getting that she will be able to move out of state.  Because her bf hasn't lived with her full time he hasn't seen the full spectrum yet.  It's a mess and all the kids are the ones that lose. 

She hated that I was so popular and had a lot of female friends. She made fun of my weight, my ability to do my job (we did the same job), the food I ate, my weight, and compared it to herself. Popular, slim, great at her job.

She was fired from her job, after which she put on lots of weight, and lost lots of friends. It came to light after we broke up, that she was unpopular and no one ever invited her to anything and she would end up inviting herself to others events all the time.

She's now become everything thaf she made fun of me about.

Karma... .hell yeah

I feel the same way sometimes. When I know I've hurt someone, even someone I don't know very well, I feel terrible. I want to make amends and apologize. Those feelings are amplified if I've hurt or disappointed someone I actually love. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to leave people in my wake, to not care about the misery I bring into people's lives. It sounds so appealing when you feel crippled by remorse... .but I would never want to be that person. How do you grow if you don't first accept that you're imperfect? That you've hurt people. That you've let them down, even the people you care about the most. I'll accept that pain if it means the lessons I learn from it makes me a better person tomorrow. More thoughtful. More considerate. More aware.

I know you're not saying you want to be the person who doesn't care. Just expressing how I feel because I've had the very same thought.

I separated from my wife w/BPD 10 weeks ago after she cheated on me. I am seeing the karma, but I do not enjoy it. She has my S1 5 days a week, so if her life falls apart, he is effected too.
I used to control the finances because I know how to budget and get by paycheck-to-paycheck (she does not have this knowledge). Once I left, she became in control of her own finances. And she blew through her $4000 tax return in 3 weeks, and had to borrow hundreds of dollars just to make rent last month. She is about to end up homeless. She blames me for everything now wrong in her life, despite the fact that I've helped her out with $2500 since leaving (her car was about to be repo'd so I paid off the remaining balance for her. Technically it was my car but I gave her it). Nothing is never enough for her, and everything is my fault. I wish I could go NC but like I said, she has my son 5 days a week. It is very stressful.

My diagnosed xBPDgf has apologized to me profusely over the past few months about discarding me, and she knows she has been a destructive force in all of her relationships---friends, family, romantic partners. So one would think her self-awareness is a blessing, and this show of "empathy" is humane.

But I think all of this is just a ploy on her part... .to keep me attached in some way. I think she is still mirroring my empathy and compassion traits because that's a huge part of my personality. Empathetic borderlines are a sham--they are unicorns--they do not exist.

My expwBPD definitely hasn't sailed through life.

Almost all of her relationships have been characterised by conflict, right from a young age. Sure she plays the vicitim, and her victimhood allows her to function - everything that has gone wrong is the fault of other people. This allows her to keep her view of herself as a good person.

But it is all very fragile.

Her lack of empathy I believe is at the root of all of her issues. Lack of empathy means a lack of guilt, and an inability to see other people properly. And the errors of judgement in her behaviour I think lead to conflict and arguments and this leads to shame on her part, so that ultimately I think she knows she cannot trust her instincts and emotions. And because she cannot judge the impact of her behaviour on others, she will forever make behavioural errors that lead to pain both for her and her partner. This cannot make life easy.

The solution for her problems seems to be to run away, and she has spent most of her life running away from people, her parents, her husband, her other boyfriends, me.

Oddly I saw her today, totally by accident, she was driving her car in the opposite direction to me and we were both in traffic jams and moving pretty slowly. She has quite a distinctive car, so it stands out quite a bit. Kind of upset me, and it seemed odd that she wasn't at work. Maybe she has lost her job. I don't  now. I sent her a very short "hope you are well" text, the first comms either of us have sent for almost 18 months. I don't expect a reply. But I am glad I sent it, I think it was the right thing to do.

I don't know if it's so much as karma, but maybe more "be careful what you wish for".

While married, my ex was the SAHM while I was the full-time worker.  One of her big complaints was that I wasn't holding up my 50% of the parenting duties.  After some discussion on what she meant by that and clarifying that indeed she expected about a 50% timeshare on parenting duties, I replied, "Ok, I'll put in 50% of the parenting duties once you put in 50% of the financial contributions to this household."  She did not like that.

In divorce, I have 50% custody so now she's getting her wish on that parenting timeshare.  However, she's struggled mightily on getting back into the workforce.  Juggling her work with the kids, even having the kids only half the time, has been a major adjustment for her.

ive heard some say "the best revenge is a life well lived".

im not a believer in building our recoveries on a foundation of whether our exes succeed or fail (because it really has no bearing on us either way). nor am i believer in living a well lived life to spite someone else. i let god sort out what justice is. for someone to hurt me, im not made any better by their pain, or obstacles in their life. and if i am, what sort of justice do i deserve?

but i do believe a life well lived is a good place to put our energy. if we go on to healthier relationships, through work, thats a great accomplishment and something to celebrate; and its not about our exes or karma, but about us.

is it human to wish for justice/karma after weve been hurt? absolutely, and i certainly did. the desire was a burning, nagging feeling that fueled obsessive thoughts. it felt better than crying for her and being in pain. not only was it human, but a natural part of my grieving process. it was however, attachment, and while it was part of the journey, it was not the destination.

its a nice place to be in to be able to wish an ex well. i cant honestly tell you that years later i put a lot of energy into doing so, and im not sure that its necessary to recovery. but the real turning point was shifting the focus away from my ex and her outcome, and getting on the journey to better mental health and healthier relationships of all kinds. im glad for what i have to show for it today. call it karma or revenge if you wish  *)

I wholeheartedly agree.  I rarely think about my ex unless something comes up in life to remind me, or I hear something about him. 

I think part of why karma is so appealing to survivors of these troubled relationships is because our exes show so little personal accountability.  I don't arbitrarily wish bad things to happen to him because he did bad things to me.  It is that he needs a wake-up call and nothing seems to function that way, from being rejected by our mutual friends (eventually) to losing jobs or anything else.  Everything is always someone else's fault.  Karma appeals to me because I like to think that one day something will make an impact.  But I think that is wishful thinking; he will probably go on being shameless and never really change.  In that case, it is better that we aren't likely to meet again.

It is someone else's fault in the end, but has anyone here had their BPD have a moment of clarity?  When I was white mine told me that most people ended up hating her and she disliked it, and the first time I broke up with her she told me that she hates herself and doesn't deserve to be happy.  And she woke me up one night to tell me "You don't deserve what is going to happen, I'm so sorry."

As an aside I found out my BPD took a mutual friend's boyfriend home, the queen bee of one of our social groups, so now a lot of people are angry at her.

Mine only rarely had moments of clarity, and that tended to be after some prodding.  He told me that his other ex was 100% responsible for the breakup -- he did nothing to cause it.  He got very anxious and defensive if I would ask him anything about what happened with her.  He tended to get in petty fights with people and pursue them even when the other person had stopped playing the game.  He always had to win and be right.  I am sure that he is totally convinced that he "won" at our relationship and was always "right." 

Do I dream of karma, something that would make him realize that he can be wrong sometimes?  Sure.  But I don't see it happening.

If you read my earlier post today I have given up on the belief that there is karma. My first BPD ex is still with my replacement from 5 years ago, and they have 2 kids together. This most recent ex just got a job at a company I was eyeing up for 2 years until they opened their location, and I had to decline the job offer because she was hired first and said she couldn't work with me. So no, I don't think their is a karma for me. But I can't control that anyway. If they got the best of me then so be it. If they used my support as a launching pad for them to be more successful/happy then so be it.

I have always been a fan of Mr. Rodgers. And to paraphrase a quote he has it goes, "I hope you find happiness in all the actions you did for others which resulted in no gain for yourself." At least I'm a nice human being who can sacrifice for others out of love. I'll take that as solace right now. It's all I have.

Roberto you must stop "looking" all kind of contacts with your ex and former ex. It never helps, you must be stronger and up your game. Dont watch their facebook (how else you know your former ex has 2 kids?), dont do nothing. Simply detach. Remember its two way street. When you are somehow showing your interest they lose all interest to you. If you cut everything, the way they cant peek into your life, they finally start to wonder that maybe you werent that clingy man after all. But it takes years when they figure it out.
I have been quite strong, at least i hope, i dont remember when i watched my ex-s facebook last time. I even dont care what she is doing at the moment. I have my own life. But i think i got valuable lesson. I learned something and thats what counts.

If you learn enough you won't care about karma, you will realize how sad this mental illness really is and be compassionate by doing what is best for yourself and your ex.