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She attacked me about 5 years ago. She is unhappy that our relationship isn't closer, she got upset when I confessed that feel unsafe when she expressed rage and anger and that stops me from getting to close, I also have a husband with cancer and 2 children so I don't have time to go to therapy with her, she saids it is too painful to be in a relationship that is toxic because it's not close. She doesn't want superficial relationships and she is cutting me out of her life. I'm wondering what if anything I can do. I set boundaries with her of what I am capable of. But it ended up being that she is cutting me out of her life.

Hi Marcie,

You set a boundary that works for you. And she responded by telling you that your boundary doesn't work for her and it is her decision to cut you out of her life.


Does this sound reasonable?

She claims that she is unhappy because your relationship with her isn't sufficiently "close."  And because she is unhappy with your relationship, she chooses to no longer have a relationship with you.  There is no effort towards building the relationship more towards what she would prefer.  In her mind, the relationship either is or is not what she wants; and she puts all the responsibility for it being the way she wants its on you.

Let's not consider her words for a while.  Let's just look at her actions.

She is unhappy with your relationship because it is not how she needs it to be. When you try to communicate with her to convey why/how you feel in your relationship and how she might change in order for you to give her more of what she wants, what is her action?

To cut you out.

This doesn't sound like a give-and-take interaction.  It sounds like she requires you to be a certain way and if you cannot be that way, then she will take all her marbles and play somewhere else.  This behavior is a bit like bullying.  It is not behavior you find in a healthy, reciprocating relationship.


It clearly doesn't matter to her what is going on in your life. She seems to operate primarily on her needs and her wants in this "relationship."  

And how can a relationship be "toxic" because "it's not close." Are acquaintances toxic?  :)on't you make someone's acquaintance before you decide if you want to share more of yourself with another?  And if that acquaintance doesn't prove to be sufficiently thoughtful or worthy of your confidence, who's fault is this?

No one owes anyone trust and confidence; especially not to someone who demonstrates that they are neither trustworthy or considerate.  Family or otherwise.


There is not anything you can do to change her decision making process.  However, I imagine she reserves the right change her decision whenever it suits her.

Best wishes,

Schwing

By the way when I say she attacked me I meant physically.

Schwing thank you so much, this was very helpful, although hurtful that this is happening, and I keep wondering if there is something I can do. She wants to go to therapy but I don't have time or energy or financial resources  to invest in therapy. So now I must except that she is cutting me out of her life.

Marcie, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm going through something similar with my own sister and your post really hit home for me. I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and I understand and I hope that you can find peace if she really means to cut you out of her life. You've got a lot on your plate. Take good care of yourself.