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It's been about 6 weeks of NC with my exBPDbf. I went stealth after a domestic incident and literally began a new life in less than 48 hours. I'm in a safe home hundreds of miles away, with a great new job and yet,  I'm so unhappy. It's not him that I think about. Its the events leading up to where I am now, that I think about.

I escaped with my life and I should be soo happy... .but I'm not. I left in the middle of the term, I ran away from MY beautiful home (I paid the rent) and left all my belongings and friends. I can't help but be furious with myself bc I can't change the past (God knows I would). I'm so furious bc I had to leave everything in order to be alive... .I just want my home, school, belongings and life back. But I can NEVER get that back. I should be grateful! Man... .this hurts soo bad.

Hi  Bellerie,

*welcome*

It's not fair that you had to go through this because of your ex, I'm sorry. I'd feel angry too. You could finish your B.A.? I think that you just need more time behind you.

I'm with Mutt.  Give yourself time to feel better.  As you heal you'll find gratitude again, but it sounds like you've got some road to travel before you do. 

What kind of support do you have in the new place?  Is therapy available to you?

Hi Bellerie,

I'm so glad that you are safe, and I understand your anger. That's really normal under the circumstances. In your shoes, I'm sure I'd feel very angry as well.

It will take time to process this and recover. I hope you'll be as gentle with yourself as you can, as the road has hills and valleys. We're here for you.

Don't worry, I'm confident that gratitude is in there, waiting to come out. There are just a lot of other feelings that are clamoring for attention right now. Give them their moment; they mean well.

heartandwhole