BPDFamily.com

It's been eight days now since the last blow up, she is still very angry, she does not speak, its more like a "hiss" when she even does respond to me, this all started (this time) because I had to step in yet again between her and my autistic Son, .this morning she blurts out... ."he is autistic, he is not stupid", she is always trying to get him to "hurry up", to "move faster", to instantly react to her orders... .and sometimes he will try to stick up for himself, and say to her "leave me alone"... .and then this sets her off... .I have had enough of this, she says, "I will discipline him"... .it seems to me, my observation, is that she does not like him, she can't even stand to be around him... .she is my second wife, and of course his step mother, he will always live with me, he is thirty years old now, and developmentally he is about seven... .I have been here many times before with her over my Son, .why does she target him so, why?... .I have even managed to get her to say, during knock down drag outs, she actually said to me, "I hate him"... .of course that crushed me, and then it infuriated me... .and this was one of the times I knew I should end this six year second marriage experiment... .I am prabobly better off single, so that I can take care of my Son, .or did I just marry the wrong one... .she also said that she is just fine with us not speaking, and separate sleeping arrangements... .actually at this point I am fine with it too... .I am so tired of running interference between her and my Son, she seems to relesh and enjoy "telling him what to do, and disciplining him"... .my heart is broken... ., and I really don't know what to do, I have threatened divorce, I have tried separation, but the fights continue, and it's ALLWAYS about my parenting skills... .EVERY TIME... .when we got married, my other two children were still living at home with me, as I was a single parent for a few years after my first marriage ended, and she pretty much cleared them out of the house pronto, D19' #2S21... .it was time, but the way she went about enforcing her reign was the source of much contention between us, as "newly weds"... .resultant in about a six month separation and counseling time period... .it ALL came back to it was my fault... .every time... ., and that I was not a good parent... .so here we are, .again... .all these years later, and she is still going after my remaining Son, .he will live with me permanently, and that's never going to change as long as I am alive... .I spoke to her Son yesterday on the phone, as her birthday is approaching, she will turn fifty, and I jokingly told him that she and I were not speaking, and he told me"mom is a pain in the ass, I know I had to live with her"... .well, the BLUF is this, my eldest Son, is special needs, and this will never change, he is who he is, and it's my responsibility to take care of him, and protect him, as he is a permanent seven year old in a mans body, and this includes protecting him from his step mother, .I have been here many times with her over the last six years we have been married, .I did pretty well over the last few months since our last big blow up at Christmas... .and I tell you, it's a chore to always be on point, between her and my Son, you better awake before her, the last one to bed at night, always stay close by, and always be the fist one to attend to him, better be there before her... .or she will nose in there and start in on him... .she has left him alone for this past eight day period, and it's been nice and quiet... .but this is only a temporary, .there is another blow out coming, I can feel it, as I am not backing down on this... .what I don't understand, is why does she feel the need to always try and correct him... .why can't she just BE NICE !... .according to her own two grown up children, she has always been a "disciplinarian"... .and guess what, she kept all this under cover for almost the entire time we were dating, that's four years... .among other things she kept hidden... .so here we are, .I decided the last time things got really bad, that I would stick this out, but the "joy and happiness" has long since departed... .as I have read in many other posts, I know that I must not "lose myself", I must not exist as only a "shell" of my former self, I should not let her image and project onto me, and continuously dysregulate me... .it's really becoming more difficult... .more of an internal struggle for me, just when I think I have turned a corner, and gaining strength and momentum, I then start to run out of steam, and I start dying inside, right now, sometimes I wish she would just leave, and find somebody else, it is to that point... .she is really wearing me down, I know things are never going to change in regards to her behavior... .she is who she is, and I married her... .but today is a new day, got to get my Son to his day program, got to get to my work, it's the 3rd, got to pay the bills, .life goes on, and it's my other (#2) Son's birthday this week, he will be twenty seven, .and thank God for that!
 

Red5,
I am SO sorry you are going through this.  Parenting can be incredibly hard even when two loving parents are working together.  Single parenting (which you have done) means there's no one else to step up and let you take a break.  Parenting when your spouse is working against you must feel like you are constantly having to throw yourself on grenades to protect your son.  It's no surprise you constantly feel torn apart.

I have a few questions:
Do you think your wife feels like she is competing with your son for your love?
Does your wife seem to "go after" your son as a way of engaging with you?
Have you ever established boundaries that she would see as protecting your marriage (her) from your son's needs? (For example, a time when she can have your undivided attention because someone else is looking after your son?)
Have your wife and you sat down with a family therapist familiar with your son's needs to discuss parenting expectations and techniques?

In a "normal" marriage, those questions might be keys to unlocking cooperation from your wife.  In a BPD impacted relationship, they may be more of a "covering your bases so you feel you have done everything you can before getting out" exercise, or "finding some feelings you may be able to validate in your wife so you can start practicing some of the techniques needed to improve your BPD relationship and make it easier to stay" exercise.

I'm hoping you can take some time to focus on solutions that lead to boundaries.

I would also hope you can focus on showing empathy to others that are frustrated (or worse) with the situation.

My first thought is that you set up a consultation with your sons medical team (might be a better term) about appropriate discipline for an autistic person. 

Basically... .how do you do boundaries and guidance for an autistic person.

This takes you out of the role of explaining the how and why of relating to your son.

Then the boundary you can enforce is that there is no discipline outside the treatment guidelines.  None.  Period.

If your wife chooses not to attend (you can't make her) she is also choosing to step away from caring for your son.

What you need to stand against... .and not budge is someone that wants to influence your son while alos ignoring his care team. 

That's an issue to "go to the mat" over.

FF

Really like so much what FF already said.

Just gonna point out my peeve about folks dealing with my own kid with ASD.

Absolutely cannot stand when someone tried to adress my childs NEUROLOGICAL impairment, as though he is having a behavioral issue!  Not to say my kid is immune to behavioral issues.  Just saying I know the difference.  When someone else does not, they tend to harm my kid, or find themself really frustrated.  I cannot be around folks this ignorant to not grasp to generally distinguish from neuro and behavioral issues he is having.

He literally cannot rush.  If I am running late, I can prioritize in my mind, small things to skip like wearing hair in pony instead of down, and moving my body faster.  He literally CANNOT.  Rushing him only gives him a distraction that makes him slower.  There are a bunch of other things too... .my ex did same stuff... .got mad cause he took my kids neuro issues personal... .which then triggered them both to have behavioral issues betweeen them.

Imo, folks gotta tend to and understand the neuro first.
Only then was I willing to weed out and talk behavior with anyone.
Simply cause if neuro is NOT addressed first, it leads to behavior issues.  It gets complicated if neuro cannot first be understood.
If you are yelling at him, aggravating his sensory issues... .well duh, he is gonna have a meltdown and maybe exhibit some behaviors no one likes.  A behavior we don't like, can be a behavioral issue to manipulate, sure, or it can be the result of neuro stresses compiling and kid got no ability to regulate neuro issues... .so he melts.

My kid learns differently, responds different.  Only thing griping at my kid by ex did for kid, was to teach him to gripe about ex.  Didn't motivate him to do nothing but be irritated, or want to isolate.  Yet, if someone seems genuinely eager and interested in him, he does waaay better managing his stuff.

Sorry, felt like a rant!

A few more comments on my call to empathy for your wife.

Give the situation the chance to be resolved without a direct you are wrong and I am right kinda thing.  Even though we all know you are right and she is wrong.


"I'm sure you would agree that Jimmy's autism (not Jimmy) can be a handful to deal with.  I've got a meeting set up with his team (probably better words here than "team"... use the right lingo) on (date) to review his care and our instructions from his care team.  It would mean a lot to me if you would come with me and help me through this meeting."


Nothing in there about right or wrong.  Even the "bad" part is directed at the disorder, not the person.

We just had a close event with ASD in my family.  My wife is a teacher and had a kid in her classroom that was being mainstreamed, yet still had an aide with him full time.  The aide was a blessing to the entire classroom.

A few weeks before the big blowup at school, it was obvious something was going on at home.  My wife met the parents at a conference and the difference in the way they related to him was shocking.  One was treating him as an infant (this is 5th grader) with him sitting on the parents lap being stroked and cuddled and the other parent alternated between being "sharp and dismissive" and outright ignoring the kid.

My wife was very sad about this situation when she came home from conferences.  It seemed obvious the parents were fighting... .and kid was getting the brunt of it... .or being used as a pawn.

Well... things continue downhill until the autistic kid decides to stop walking forward in the lunch line.  So... .other kids walk around him.  Autistic kid says you "can't cut line" and the other kids say... "well... keep walking then".

Autistic kid snaps and starts choking the other kid.  Principal is close by and separates them but ends up rolling on the ground with the kid trying to control him while help arrives.  Police and ambulances show up and kid leaves school in a straight jacket.  My wife saw 5 grown men trying to control this kid... .and they were having a hard time of it.

The point of this story is to emphasize the importance of consistency of care for special needs.  :)o we know for sure that the "home life" caused this?  No... .we don't.  I'm sure it didn't help.  

In this case we know for sure that the parents were treating the kid very differently... for some reason. I can't imagine either of them were following any sort of a recommended care plan, based on how they both acted in the conference.

This is an issue for you to "go to the mat" over... .there is no compromise.

FF