BPDFamily.com

My significant other shows traits of BPD. I recently came to know about BPD and am trying to understand it as much as possible so that I can learn the tools and manage the situation.

After 3 years of marriage and endless struggle and "giving in" to all his demands and mostly passing his innumerable  'tests' I have somehow managed to gain his trust as of now (saying as of now because I know it can change). He trusts me, trusts that I will do no harm to him, I will not leave him... .I have now started to slowly take control of the situation... .have started setting boundaries etc ... .He does talk to me a lot ... .and while talking makes all the "statements" which are very typical of BPD as described by the medical professionals (I read on the various sites on the internet)... .some examples here

1) He once said "We feel first and then try to map our feeling to the facts around. If am angry and feel angry I will try to find something to match my feeling".

2) We have spent so many days together ... .You are just a part of me ... .You are like a organ of my body.

3) During our dating days he never called me. It was always I who called him. After marriage I made it a point to answer his every call whenever he did call ... .and then once he mentioned to me "I don't like when I call you and you do not pick up my call". Later someday he just told me " If you don't pick up the phone, the first thing that comes to my mind is that you are with your boyfriend and that thought just blows me up so I don't call you". "I know that there is a possibility that you are doing something else but in my mind the first thought is about your boyfriend and the thought troubles me a lot".
(Boyfriend is imaginary here... there never was one)

4) for me everything is either 100% or  0%. There is nothing in between. I am digital either 0 or 1

5) During the dating period he said this a lot "I am a defective piece"... .although I have not heard this much since marriage ... .

My question is - When he himself says these sentences, does it mean that he understands his thoughts at least ... .Is it a good sign ?
Is there is a possibility that since he knows his thoughts and how he reacts ... .I can hope to kindly tell him or teach him the other side of coin (I mean how normal people think... ) ... without invalidating. When he is saying these things ... is it the right time to softly tap and put forward before him a better way of dealing things ... .

Or is it a bad sign in the sense that  he firmly knows what he is doing and believes it is the right way and hence it is extremely difficult to change it ?

Has anyone else here have heard such sentences from the BPD person themselves ?

Hey there first off i am a new poster but have been reading posts for a while now.

Before i say anything, if you suspect him of having BPD then i would push the SO to get an professional diagnoses.
If he is BPD, I don't think i would classify the questions as good or bad, but normal.  It sounds that you are currently split white.  Understand that what he says now (Being white), will no way impact the future impressions of you from being split black.   The only real way of having a successful relationship with a BPD is if they are undergoing therapy.

With my exBPD the Splitting was the most dominant characteristic of the disorder, and being human you will eventually say or do something that will cause them to split you to black. Also you need to understand THIS!  Their interpretation of (things said and done) reality are not logical in nature.  It is interpreted through a skewed filter and this is their reality, regardless of how illogical it is.

Hi AnonUK,

*welcome*


Feelings = facts, where it's the other around for non's feelings are followed after the facts.


Enmeshment, not knowing your boundaries and where you end and the other person begins.


I'd say that this is a cognitive distortion or twisted thinking, specifically catastrophizing adjacent with low self esteem and low self worth, I'm not worthy enough, she probably wants / deserves someone that it better than I.


A core criterion of the disorder, all of nothing thinking or black and white thinking.


We can't tell what someone else thinks, how I read the things that he said is that he's articulate, he gives me the impression that there is some self awareness but I don't think that he is consciously connecting it all together, this is his reality, it's normal for him, he doesn't have anything else to compare it to, I wouldn't puy it on yourself to teach him the other side of the coin, I agree with AlternateReality, if he is BPD, I would leave it to professionals to help him unravel the twisted thinking and teach him tools to cope, BPD is a serious mental illness. I completely understand your logic and motivation, you want to help him, all we can do is use the tools and if the tools don't work then at least we tried. I hope that helps.

More on cognitive distortions.

Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking - Burns MD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56200.0)

Thanks both for the reply and support.

Yes agree that he should be diagnosed first and then professionals will be more effective in treating him.

Last couple of years had been chaos ... did not understand what was going wrong. I accidentally stumbled upon BPD and when I read about it, I started understanding the issue and how I was adding fuel to the fire. I was reasoning with him ,arguing and many times invalidating. I read about validation and other tools on this site and it really works. Past 6 months  have been more calmer and I myself am a little less anxious.

I understand I have to get him diagnosed, but not sure how I can tell him this ? I am scared that mentioning his illness to him will start a downward spiral. I do not have much support (family is many miles away).