BPDFamily.com

Hi all--I'm new here. I feel very sure that my sister in law has BPD. My brother and I both just finished "stop walking on eggshells," 2nd edition, and he said it was like looking in a mirror because it described his wife so well.  I'm interested in reading more about the disorder and learning from those of you who have been living with this for years. I am the primary source of emotional support for my brother (he is certainly not getting any from his wife at the moment), and right now he and their three kids are caught in a swirl of chaotic emotions, alcoholism, and truly erratic behavior on the part of my sister in law.

In particular, I'm interested to hear what works and what doesn't in these situations (though I'm sure this varies from person to person), and hopefully get some advice on how to support my brother and the rest of my family through this. Also, I know people have to WANT to be helped, but if anyone has any tips on helping someone with BPD see that she needs to seek help, I would be grateful to hear them.

My sister in law is bright and funny and a great mom when she's doing well, but since the birth of her youngest child about a year and a half ago, traits which had previously been there to a MILD extent are now full-blown and life-disruptive.  We now realize that my SIL has a serious drinking problem, and it is exacerbating her other issues (terrible self esteem, tendency to idealize people one day and decide they are the devil the next, blaming everyone else for her problems, raging, threatening suicide, etc.). She is resistant to getting help because she says SHE isn't the problem (my brother is, or her mother is, or her ex is, etc.). She is so sensitive that even compliments can seem like insults to her.

Anyway, you guys know the drill. I just wanted to introduce myself and give a thumbnail sketch of the problem. My brother tends to end up in chaotic relationships; before he met my SIL he dated a woman with BPD (definitively diagnosed in her case, whereas my SIL has not yet been diagnosed). I know part of the equation for him is going to be figuring out why he is drawn to these kinds of relationships. I may direct him to this group once I get a feel for it; I think it may help him.  Nice to "meet" all of you!

Hi HelenaHandbasket,

Thanks for introducing yourself to our community

It is indeed difficult to get people help if they do not want to themselves. Unfortunately it seems your SIL does not recognize the role she plays in the dysfunction in her life. Has she ever gotten any kind of help before for her issues? Perhaps for her drinking problems?

It is positive that your brother recognizes what is going on with his wife. You mention part of his relationship history and that is indeed something he will have to look at as he moves forward. No matter what his wife does, he's an adult too and responsible for his own choices. Why do you think it is that he tends to end up in relationships like this?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

Hi Kwamina!

My SIL was hospitalized briefly in her teenage years for depression and suicide threats (apparently resulting from a sexual assault), and she's currently (VERY reluctantly) seeing a therapist.  She is threatening to stop seeing the therapist because she doesn't want others to control her life (my brother and her mom insisted she get therapy and she resents that). We all strongly suspect she hasn't told her therapist the whole story. I don't think she's ready to get help at this point, which is incredibly frustrating.

Her current "solution" to her problems seems to be smoking a lot of weed, as she says it's the only thing that makes her feel better. She's refused to stay on any of the meds her therapist has prescribed her, but she smokes weed daily--this is, of course, just a Band-Aid that provides temporary mood elevation, not a real solution to any of her problems.  She keeps promising to go to AA but so far she hasn't done so.  A big part of her problem seems to be an unwillingness to let anyone outside her immediate family see that she's less than perfect. (For example, she would FREAK if she knew that my brother had shared any of this with me--she was even furious with him for telling her mother about all of this, which he only did because she had a meltdown one night after drinking an entire liter of vodka and he was desperate to get her help.) So the idea of standing up in front of people and saying "I'm an alcoholic" is repugnant to her.  This seems to fit the BPD profile based on my reading.

My brother has codependency issues of his own. He's a very smart guy, but he's an idiot when it comes to relationships. He was with his previous BPD for TEN YEARS, so he has a lot of trouble ending bad relationships. Right now he's desperate to keep his family together; he and his wife have an 18 month old together who is the light of his life.

Thanks for your reply. I'm learning a lot here.

Hi again HelenaHandbasket


Codependency is a problem for many of our members posting on the relationship boards. Do you perhaps feel like your brother stays in these relationships out of fear, obligation and/or guilt (FOG)?

You can read more about this topic here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Oh definitely--I think FOG plays a huge part in this situation. I think there are elements of all three. He's afraid of being alone, he's afraid of what will happen if he asserts himself and his own rights (and those of his kids--for example, their right to not be home alone with an unpredictable alcoholic during the day), etc. He feels obligated to her because she is his wife and they have kids together, and because he is her sole financial support.  He feels guilty because he knows he isn't a perfect partner and he's done some things out of frustration and anger that have probably contributed to the problem (e.g. staying late at work to avoid coming home to chaos, being a bit remote when he is at home, etc.). It's all there.