BPDFamily.com

Do you see a specific pattern in the relationships of your daughter/son. Do they choose much older/younger partners? How do you handle your opinion about those relationships in which you don't "believe"

Hi blackbirdsong

Welcome to the forum!

My BPDs26 is quite opinionated on girls and black/white thinking. He's had four relationships. Is there a pattern? Not that I can see except I do know as he's matured he wants to try and fix others (despite not being prepared so far to fix himself).

First was a super high achiever and he was punching way above his weight. Second was 4 years younger and not an academic. Third was the same age, she had issues. Fourth, came as a surprise as she's 8 years younger and does have issues.  The fourth fits his sense of "outsider" organic style, dreadlocks etc.

I try and be open hearted with them, not too close as I know there's going to be problems and I've learnt to stay away from the dramas as much as I can. I raised a quiet eyebrow at the fourth but she's a warm, genuine girl and difficult to dislike. I'm enjoying the experience of him just bringing a girl home to be honest. Our relationship has been so poor with our BPDs, we're in a better place now.

What's going on with you?

Can you tell us more about your situation?  Maybe we can help

Hugs

LP

Hi Blackbirdsong,

I havent posted in quite a while but I still come back to the boards now and again and your question resonated with me.

Yes i see a definite pattern with my dd22 "boyfriends". All those that I know of  have been older than her. The first was maybe a year older, second was 5 years older and the last one that i know of she was seeing briefly was at least a good decade older than her... .and those are the ones i know about. There have been many hookups in between that if i had to put my money on I would say were more than likely all older than her. I remember dds cousin telling me that when dd was much younger and starting out with boys she told her cousin that she preferred older boys as they were more on her level intellectually. I have no doubt that my dd does have a high IQ but she is also very NPD with it so she has even gone after boys who she knew full well had gfs just because she wanted the boy. My dd has always been secretive with me about her dating  and has always insisted that any boy she showed interest in or if they showed interest in her was only a good friend. Both she and her children's daddy were even Both still insisting that they were  best friends who only liked to hang out together even after the first baby was born!  By the time second gchild came along they were no longer just  best friends and she was after him for child support of the 2 kids So so much for liking the more mature man!.Every relationship she has whether with a  male or female is always shrouded in secrecy and none of them  ever get  formally introduced to me or any of our family. I do think that these days she doesnt do it around her kids though which is a good thing. I have them quite regularly so I think she goes out then or enjoys "company" at home when they are out of the house.

The way I deal with it is to stay out of it. I just dont ask any questions anymore concerning her r/s. It was physically causing me too much stress. I would be left to try to figure out their lives while they would be back enjoying the honeymoon period and denying there was ever a problem.I would give dd and baby daddy advice and it would backfire and often be used against me. I would often be accused of being either jealous, wanting to split them up or trying to take him for myself!  The stress from dd's r/s are usually too much for me to deal with so i keep away from bringing that stress in to my life. I want my life to be calm.My dd on the other hand enjoys drama and choas and wants everything TODAY and at full speed. She is maturing but I find still not prepared to look at herself and her shortcomings  or work on relationships with anyone without expecting something in return. Iam finding it easier these days to just take care of me and my grandkids and stay away from all of dd's dramas as much as i can. |iiii

It took me a couple kids in to gain the experience to stay at arms length from any partner they hook up with. It's hard I see the train wreck on the horizon but can't stop it. I am an empathetic person and I would love to sit with these other halves my kids hook up with and explain everything they are not seeing, family history ect.but alas that is not practical on any level. The honeymoon stage will not last forever... .

My 27 year old daughter who took off to arazonia and married a guy  in The armed forces she has only been internet chatting with for a year or so and met him a total of four weeks when she went down their for a "vacation". The kicker he is now been displayed to South Korea for a year and she is left to enjoy the fruits of her deciption as I look at it. She has money from him, a place to live and all the freedom she wants... .I see disaster on the horizon. She bores easily, and has never been without a male to meet her needs in someway, even if it is just someone to take her out for drinks. She is an alcoholic to.

The guy seems nice the little time I met him... .his mum told me she thought he might have a drinking problem to. I have dropped contact with my daughter since she left, sad but I am healthier that way... .