BPDFamily.com

I'm almost at an understanding as to issues re my ex's BPD but there's one thing I  can't find an answer to and want to put it out there to see what people's experiences are/were

On a few occasions when I was with my ex and we were chatting about random things, nothing bad, nasty, offensive or anything. But General banter. She would find something objectionable and then just immediately shut down. No arguments no explanation no nothing, just shut down, appeared angry/upset but wouldn't talk and would just sit in awkward silence. Whenever she ever got in this state, however hard I tried to get her out of If, apologise or anything at all, nothing would shift it. And all you could do was wrap the evening up and go home.

The next day she'd be back to normal as if nothing had happened.

What's people's experiences of this and did they ever get their BPD out of this zone and if so how?

And more curios as to what happens and why they do this and where do they go (zone out).

Any light on this will help me move on and understand what was going on

Thanks

A characteristic of BPD is the tendency to experience extreme perceptions, far beyond those that a psychologically healthy person would experience in similar circumstances.  Meaning that for a normal person, I'm not sure we can quite comprehend where they go.  Once they dysregulate, I'm not convinced that they can be "pulled" out of it.  You can provide an environment that minimizes the external obstacles, but they still have to get through it themselves.

My exwBPD did this too. She used to even hide in the closet. I remember once it occurred because I invited 3-4 friends over (early in the relationship when I still had friends, that is). She grew visibly agitated when I was talking to my friends, then disappeared. My friends asked where my wife went after and I searched and found her hiding in the closet. Lied and told my friends she was tired and went to take a nap.

I'm guessing it is dissociation, triggered by something upsetting. Who knows what though, I have no idea what went on in her head. Maybe it is some form of PTSD since many pwBPDs suffered from childhood trauma. There is no telling what the trigger could have been since literally anything is a possible trigger.

She would also go silent/unresponsive during conflicts, sometimes covering her ears too. She'd start a rage episode, I'd defend myself then she would get in bed, cover her ears and go silent. She'd spend hours in this state sometimes, othertimes just a few minutes to begin raging at me again.

Where is this dark place?  I have no idea, and I certainly don't want to go there. 

I've seen it multiple times with my BPD friend, and I don't really think there is much that another person can do to help them, unfortunately.

I don't think anybody can read the mind of another person.

Is it a dark place or is it a safe place?

I am thinking of how I would zone out on ex towards the end of the relationship. There are times when it felt like I couldn't say anything at all without it creating a problem. So, I would just sit there quietly and nod my head. I did not feel safe with ex. As a result, I would excuse myself from situations or I would go quiet on him. I feel like I had very good reason to feel the way I did. I was trying to protect myself.

What if the BPD person is coming from the same perspective? What if they aren't feeling safe or are feeling overwhelmed? Why does the reason need to be something dark or sinister or mean or something else? Maybe it is a simple matter of self protection. I know that ex would get overwhelmed rather easily over really small stuff. Spilled milk would stress him out greatly. He needed a lot of down time because any kind of demand on him would overwhelm him.

Trying to pull them out (aka fix them) does NOT help. It aggravates the situation. The best thing to do is let them be so they can sort it out on their own. The more you try to fix them or pull them out of it, the worse it gets. They are grown adults, not children. Don't say anything at all. Just move on. I knew how to handle it for the most part but reached a point where I could no longer do it because he was setting a horrible example for our kids. I could no longer deal with it.