BPDFamily.com

Me and my exBPDgf are trying to be friends, we slipped up last weekend and slept together which became and issue spiralling her into depression, after a week of highs and progress for us both. This was only resolved by her Therapy session on Monday, and an acknowledgment that we need to break the patterns that allowed it to happen. Events detailed here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309289
 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309289)
We went to gig on Saturday night where we met with some of my 'friends' (we are more of a fan club, that enjoy getting together and hanging out 4 or 5 times a year), and a couple of them were going to the same gig (the organizer of these get togethers and her husband).

We were having a GREAT time, but when the band came on she freaked out and moved away from us. She felt a hand go into her jeans. Although there were dozens of people around us (thousands in the venue), the husband was next to me and behind her. When she realized that I was concerned and it wasn't me who did it, she pulled me aside and told me. I felt like attacking him but wasn't going to leave her alone at that time, so stayed with her.

We had a few heavy drinks at the bar and had a 'good' time enjoying the gig from a new location and went back to mine (all part of the plan, as she has a spare room I set up for her here), we watch some tv, had some rubbish takeaway food and went to bed.   

I want to do something about what happened as I cant let this happen again to anyone else, but am so unsure because I have no proof (though I trust her implicitly, she doesn't know 100% it was him either). She even told me to let it go.

Beyond that when she got home she messaged me saying she was 'depressed' (understandably so), after a little back and forth she stated 'I am disappointed in you lately', 'like last night you could have done something', 'You're not there for me', 'never have been', 'never will be'... .(It would have hit me harder if I hadn't had the conversation that, I'm deathly scared of disappointing people a few days ago, and she had said that 'it's no wonder people around you like dying' a few weeks after I broke down to her with that exact fear of people rather dying that be around me... .It just feel like an act at this point)

We've been broken up for a month, have met a total of twice since, and had 2 disasters. A lot of this is out of our control, so why does it keep happening to us? 

I am trying to be a 'not intense' friend, so I'm not messaging daily etc., but what is the right amount? whats too much? what kind of questions is more friend than BF? after all that has happened what can I do that doesn't cross that line?

Ahh the old 'I'm disappointed in you because  (enter any trigger here)... .'.  I've disappointed my friend twice because I lost my temper at him dropping me after making plans to meet.  Apparently I'm not allowed to be angry and any show of temper results in him telling me that I've disappointed him.

I've come to the conclusion that we can't be friends with a PWBPD; they just can't do it; especially if you have been romantically involved with them in the past (mine was 26 years ago).  There will always be a trigger and you will always ultimately upset them without even trying resulting in being painted black, silent treatment, push/pull.  So far I'm 8 weeks no contact.  He's told me never to contact him again, and I've told him the same.  I want a friend who doesn't drop me constantly and allows me to have emotions without being 'disappointed in me' for showing said emotions.

Agreed - you can't be friends after a romantic relationship.

It's all push/pull, they're needs are met (even with them stepping over boundaries) - but hell no to them meeting your needs, they have no empathy-so have no idea that you might interpret their pull as them wanting to get back with you... .all of which stops you from healing as well.

Get as far always as you can for both of your sakes.

If you have to still be in close quarters (I am LC with mine), then keep it very, very business like and don't do personal stuff or swap personal information.

Mine seems to have gotten bored after a month or more of me not "entertaining" her, so am hoping she doesn't both contacting me anymore and, if she does, that I keep my boundaries up with more "grey rock".

Ahhhhh yes the triggers, and how many there are of these. If one doesn't exist, you can pretty much think they will make one from somewhere and hit you with it.

A text from my son thaf he got home safely, became a text message from my secret lover, and it went into shut down and argument mode.

Trust me they will find a trigger