BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

I posted my story a few posts earlier titled Ex BPD left again. I am completely distraught today... .he told me he is talking to someone else and that she is just a friend. It makes me so sad because this "friend" is now a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen to him and someone to help him get over me. I felt so much more at peace when I didn't know someone else was in the picture. I was still struggling but I was not a damn mess. Now he has someone to occupy his time and I am left here heartbroken. He knows how bad I wanted to be with him and make this work. We were together 2 and a half years and had big life plans, now its all gone like that.

Can anyone share their experience with their BPD ex having someone else right after the breakup? My ex was never this type of guy to talk to other girls EVER and now I feel so crushed. I don't even know how to deal with this. She very well could be just a friend and nothing more but I can't help but let me head get the best of me.

Hi myselfandi,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I am currently experiencing a similar situation with my exBPD. My situation is different to yours as we are both married, but I met her 14 years ago, when I was single and she lied to me about her marriage.

We recently reconnected but only because I thought her husband had died as he developed cancer years ago after which time we lost contact. When we reconnected I was married but in a sterile relationship and I thought the love of my life had come to find me once again. However, after agreeing to meet up with her, she told me her husband was still alive. I should have run then.

But I stayed and we had a difficult relationship for several years until she distanced herself from me for a year. I have reason to believe that during this time, she was having an affair with another man. However, she recycled me again announcing that she wanted us to have a future. All was well for a few months and then she started up with the silent treatment that she has been doing to me for years, this was followed by disappearances of up to a week and ghosting in and out of my life. Finally she told me that her husband had found out about me and I could no longer contact her by text. I knew it was a lie and I told her it was over. I strongly suspect she is with somebody else now. It has been 5 weeks since I walked away and I got a message from her on Monday morning at 3am which said simply, 'Thinking Of You.'

I tried to message her back and then ring her but she has not replied. This is classic BPD behaviour. Even though they have found somebody else, they like to remain attached to exes. They cannot be alone. The best thing I can do is distance myself from her and stick to no contact. I miss her terribly. She has been part of my life on and off for 14 years. It feels like somebody has ripped my heart out. I feel like she is the love of my life but it has all been a sham.

I was involved with another BPD when I was single about 16 years ago and she behaved even worse. The whole relationship lasted for 7 weeks during which time I was lovebombed and feted until her friend told me she behaved like this with every man. She told me that one of her exes committed suicide. That is the depth of despair BPD's can drive us to. I should have learnt my lesson then, but there is a co-dependency in me that opens myself up to a BPD.

Hi myselfandi,

I'm sorry to hear that . I can relate with your post, I had something similar happen, I completely understand how distressing that feels.


Have you thought about self protection to give yourself space and time to heal? Have you thought about no contact?

Thank you for your support. What do you mean by self protection? I am definitely going no contact. I am upset with myself because after he left I did not contact him once. He kept texting me about random things he left at my house but that was basically it. I had a weak 24 hours and reached out to him and that's when I got sucked back in to being confused and hurt. He told me about this other girl and that she was just a friend but he knows how much it is hurting me and I think he is subconsciously liking the power and control over me. A day later he texted me apologizing tons and tons but is still sticking with his decision of the breakup.

I texted him today because it is the anniversary of his brothers passing and I just wanted him to know I am thinking of him. Even though he has been so cruel to me through this breakup I still don't have the heart to not say anything on a day like this. I have vowed to go no contact form this point forward. I have to. It's my only option. I just don't know how to get over the idea of their being another girl. It kills me... .

Hi RomanticFool,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are so right when you say the best thing you can do is distance yourself from her and stick no contact. I am going to be doing the same thing with my ex as bad as it hurts. I hate that I have these feelings of wanting him to recycle me. I want him to come back to me so bad but I feel as though he won't because he now has someone else to turn to.

We together need to be strong and get through this. Take the good memories from the relationship and move forward. Unfortunately right now we need to remind ourselves of the heartache they have caused in our lives in order for us to keep pushing forward.

Hi myselfandi,

No contact is a good idea when the other party is not respecting your boundaries or they're causing you constant pain and not putting themselves in your shoes and thinking about your needs, that's self protection.


I'm so sorry  talking about it helps, also you need more time behind you. Hang in there.

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way (https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way)

Hi myselfandi,

Thanks for your response. I can tell from your post how much you are hurting right now.


This is all we should focus on right now. My exBPD has clearly not got my best interests at heart so I don't want to think about her at all, good or bad.

What I want to do is concentrate on me and helping others to deal with these heartbreaking relationships with our psychotic exBPDs. Why do I say psychotic? Because the other group of people who lack empathy are sociopaths and psychopaths. That is the level of indifference to our needs that we are dealing with here.

True recovery from this pain is to get to the point where we are indifferent. The only way we can do this is by concentrating on ourselves. Stick with NC and spend every waking hour on yourself and your other loved ones. Your exBPD is no longer a factor in your life. YOU are what is important. Waste no more time in thinking about him and his life. Think only about your own needs. It is high time you did.

I started playing piano two years ago when my exBPD had distanced herself from me for a year. It was incredibly therapeutic and eased my pain. I realised today that after all that pain I went through back then, I let her back into my life. My piano has been my friend and I shall not let it down again by wasting another second thinking about the poisonous and destructive force that wants to suck me dry of my life blood.

Try to find something that soothes you and make sure you keep coming back here to get the support you so badly need. We are all here for you. This too shall pass. You will recover and be stronger.

I can relate and tell you how it might look in the future. I haven't posted my entire story on here yet because I don't think my fingers could take that much typing. My xBP told me in July 2015 that she was moving out (3 states away) to live with her mother along with our five children. She told me that it was to improve our marriage. There was constant fighting and conflict. I was as guilty for escalating the fights as I constantly tried to defend the endless accusations. I allowed her FOG consume me so I thought, why not? We (I) wrote a separation agreement, although never filed it but did have it notarized. She even wanted "divorce is not an option for either of us" included in the agreement. A week after moving, she stopped all contact with me. I found out through my oldest D14 at the time, that xBP was with her exbf that she dated before we met. He is a 40, doesn't have a job or car, lives with his step-father and uses her vehicle all the time (car is in my name). Fast forward to February of this year and she tells me that she doesn't think that she can go through with the divorce (she filed by surprise 10/15 via email from a lawyer) and that she should have never started dating her bf after moving. She said that he has done things that "aren't good" and that he is manipulative and is good at making her feel sorry for him. She also said that she shouldn't have filed for divorce. I fell for it and started to think that maybe we could work it out. Well, she never left him and started to pull away again and started spending more time with him. I assume that he was painted black at the time and I was painted white. Telling me that nobody could ever love her the way I can, etc. etc. I have gone NC but she still tries to control, manipulate and FOG because it use to work. I slipped and consider myself lucky that it didn't go farther than it did this time.
Some more to the story... .she and her bf broke up before she and I met because he cheated on her. I had found three times where she was communicating with him before she left. One time was a pay-as-you-go phone that she had secretly purchased. 
Basically, the replacement is someone to fill their current need. It's a pattern. Your SO needs someone because they cannot be alone. It's tough but it gets better with time. You will have ups and downs but overall better with time. Some things that worked for me: taking care of my health by eating well, found something I enjoy for exercise (mountain biking) and I lost 50lbs the healthy way. Connected with healthy people (friends), volunteer at two non-profits and didn't get into a romantic relationship right away. I'm actually still single by choice even though I had dated a couple of times but right now I am enjoying being single and focusing on my children (my oldest, D16, lives with me full time). Stay strong and remember that he is not the key to your happiness. He's probably the key to the opposite.

Hi myselfandi

PWBPD move on so quickly because they literally make up their own reality based on their emotions: it is common for them to cheat and project it onto their partner, then go to a replacement and tell their version of reality where they are the poor victim who was hurt.
Continue learning and focus on you.