BPDFamily.com

Hello,

This is my second post to this board in follow up to my first board message. I received such great feedback from everyone on here that I though I could ask some questions that I have had for a while that have really been bothering me. I hope I can get some clarity on her behavior post-breakup.

to give some context, like a classic BPD she was previously married and started dating me a few weeks after her husband left her. It''s important to note I knew her and had somewhat of a romantic relationship with her on and off for 3 years prior to her getting married but we never dated until after her marriage. The relationship was very intense, full of passion. We basically lived together and were together every second of every day. it was 6 months in before she started being abusive and saying she wasn't happy and wanted out even though I tried to do everything I could for her. We dated for a year before she cheated on me. I was devalued and discarded and she started dating that same person who I know (not a friend), within a matter of hours.

Even though she ended it and I have not contacted her at all since the breakup, she kept calling me for months and abusing me for stupid reasons and hurting me even more. Her behavior post-breakup was so strange that I would like to get some opinions to break down what exactly has been going on.

Timeline:

December 2016: cheated and broke up with me and started seeing someone else. Went on a trip half away across the world with him for new years, 2 weeks after our breakup.

January 2017: a month after our breakup, when she returned, she called me twice and left a voicemail about returning some of my belongings. I maintained NC.

February 2017: She frantically calls me 30 times in a row until I pick up. She even called my house phone and spoke to my father. Apparently there were pictures of her on the internet that I had shot (i'm a photographer) that she wanted taken down immediately. after I obliged, we spoke for an hour for the first time since the breakup where she went on about how happy she is and how the breakup was for the best. no apology, and as if her terrible actions were all justified because she is now in a better place. I mentioned to her for the first time that she may have BPD, but she said she had been tested years back and was not. (I was not aware) clearly, someone had suggested it may be a possibility but she never mentioned it to me. We ended the conversation yelling and her hanging up on me. (abusive)

March 2017: She texts me nicely asking to talk. Then calls me frantically. I don't answer her calls or text. she texts me, No hello, no how are you, nothing. over 20 times claiming that I had still not taken down all pictures of her and asked if I wanted my stuff back. (sounds like an excuse). I didn't answer her calls but did reply in a text waiving the white flag and asking for no drama and to be left alone. She calls me angrily again another 10 times before she sends me a final paragraph text below:

" you're all hurt about me breaking up with you.You have the balls to tell me that you have "done a lot of googling" and deem me mentally ill. Honestly, you ask why I seem so disconnected from our break up and our past relationship and it's because I genuinely don't care. I don't like you. I don't love you. And I find your behavior disgusting. In fact I find you discussing. Both when we were together and now. The more time that passes I feel more and more embarrassed and ashamed that I stayed with someone who treated me the way you did for so long."

I was so heart broken that I couldn't even respond. I have since blocked her number and have not heard from her since. I still miss her terribly and am deeply in love after 7 months. I thought this might be an attempts to charm, but i'm painted black. Do you think she meant those things she said? Is she looking for attention? is is splitting? Does she want to know if I will still be there for her? could it be that she took offense that I mentioned she may have BPD (even though I mentioned that over a month prior?) could it be that she misses me? That she is thinking of me and was upset I wouldn't answer her or give her the light of day? I have since considered sending her all her belongings and pictures of us I have left. is this a bad idea?

If anyone can elaborate or have any thoughts on her behavior I would really appreciate it.

Hi Inter,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I can tell how baffled and perplexed you are by her cruel and totally unjustified attacks on you.


The answer is, YES - SHE IS SPLITTING. You have been painted black and will remain so until her needs change. Her new partner is her new Knight, but we both know what is coming his way. She will behave exactly the same way as she has with you as soon as her toxic shame and engulfment fears rear their heads again.

Spend no more time figuring out the conundrum of her behaviour because it is illogical and nonsensical. She doesn't know what she wants because she has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. What you are witnessing with the splitting is her abandonment fears playing out. These kick in when they feel overwhelmed or fearful of people leaving.

Think of her as a spiteful 3 year old in a woman's body, because that is what you are dealing with. She is incapable of maturity or empathy and so the best thing you can do is focus the attention on YOU. Try to think about why you got into a relationship with such an abusive woman and stayed there. What was your parents' relationship like? Were there co-dependency issues with your mother? Did you feel nurtured and loved as a child? Do you suffer from low self esteem?

My own parents fought constantly and my father was absent in the early years of my life. I wasn't nurtured properly and my dad would put me down constantly and undermine me. Is it any wonder that I ended up in a relationship as caregiver to an abuser? I associated love with pain.

Keep posting on here. We are all here for you. You will get through this. You will get stronger. You will eventually be indifferent to her childish scorn.

Hi Inter,
I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. It's tough and hard to deal with those emotions up and down. Hard to believe, hard to trust again, hard to get back, how can one do it? So much bad stuff that one has gone through, how can you really believe that it would get better? And yes Inter, it sounds like most of the texting about this and that are excuses to get you involved. My ex was/is always asking me things to do 'for her', nothing for me though! My feelings, my emotions, what I want, she cannot deal with. All about her only. Oh and I also mentioned borderline as I would like to help her get the correct therapy, she said "thanks but my current therapist was quite taken back when I mentioned borderline, he doesn't think I am at all". There you go. Who is in denial here?

My ex left me after ten years together. She also started a relationship in the last year while living together. She never told me. Her excuse when I found out was "we were separated, you were in denial." Well my recollections were yes we were living a terrible life, she was going out all the time, staying at 'her mums', I was trying to fix the relationship while she was trying hard to ruin it. At the end it dissolved. She left on a trip, I packed and left.

I then said goodbye and went NC. She freaked and started to call me crazily. We didn't speak for two months. Then she starts to seek me. Her new relationship was not good and now she was missing me, I was suddenly the best guy in the world! Wait I second wasn't I controlling? Insecure? Etc, etc? Not anymore it seems.

Well the recycle was not great after a few days and now I am in LC, but feel strongly that I would never go back, I don't even care to see her anymore, I know the dangers there. Not interested.

BPD favorite tools; FEAR, OBLIGATION ,  GUILT.

That's what I see from the time-line you presented. To me, her continued contact is her belief that she is not done with you. Don't give her that opportunity because she will try to punish you for seeing behind the mask, and bringing up her mental illness.

Take pride in knowing to stay away when she's blowing up your phone. That's extremely difficult to do. She feeds on emotional response and drama. Don't feed the beast. 

Block her. Then check all avenues that she has to contact you, then block her again.

I would take down any pictures she requests to have removed. Pack her stuff up, with a note specifying that you've done what she asked for ask her not to contact you anymore. 

hi inter,

its generally not a good idea to tell someone you think they have a mental illness. not only are we not professionals, and not in a position to diagnose (especially as romantic partners), but it is usually not well received, especially from a current or former romantic partner. it sounds like this indeed got under her skin.

its hard to say what her motivation is for reaching out, less difficult to suggest that her motivation for lashing out is a mix of what you told her (she has BPD), and your non responsiveness to her contact. in that sense, i wouldnt give her words a lot of credence; people often lash out when they are cut off.

the question here i think is what you want out of all of this. do you want her to leave you alone? do you want a friendship? do you want to rekindle the relationship?