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Title: Shes dependent on me and has no one else Post by: needhelpsoon on May 12, 2017, 04:42:44 AM Hi all
First time here so please bare with me. Been with my BPD girlfriend four roller coaster years and really think its time to end it. We live together, i pay for everything with my salary, she doesnt/wont work. Neither of us have a support network. I have no idea how to end this relationship safely for either of us. Will give more detail as needed. Just wanted to make a start. Title: Re: Shes dependent on me and has no one else Post by: BeagleGirl on May 12, 2017, 11:36:31 AM Needhelpsoon,
I'm glad you found this site. It's a great place to start as far as forming a support network. Without more details, I may miss the mark on what advice to give, so I'll start with questions: Is there a support network for you that you had in the past but let lapse during your relationship? Can you start working to reestablish that? If not, can you relocate back to a place where you have that sort of support network? Does your girlfriend have any reason for not working (other than that she hasn't had to during the time you have been supporting her)? Are there children involved? I think the hardest thing to manage is the understanding that you can only effect change in your own life and circumstances. You can hope and offer help for change in your girlfriend's life and circumstances, but only she can actually accept/implement it. Ultimately, she will face consequences for her action/inaction. YOU choose to what degree you share in those consequences. If you are looking for a concrete example of a way out I could envision the following: You establish/reestablish your support network to a degree that you can find temporary housing free of charge or minimal cost (a friend/family member's couch or spare room). You inform your girlfriend that your relationship is over and that she needs to find a place to live and way to support herself and move to your temporary housing with understanding that she needs to be out by x date. If you have a joint account, you can get your own account and turn over the joint account to her with sufficient funds to get her through a the period of time you gave her to find other housing. This approach has lots of assumptions and could leave you in a tough position if she refuses to move out at the end of the period or if you don't have sufficient income to cover your needs and hers through the transition period, but I figured you might want a general starting point to start your considerations from. BeagleGirl Title: Re: Shes dependent on me and has no one else Post by: GD39 on May 12, 2017, 11:59:11 AM As Beagle Girl, many of the questions she has I do too.
I think the hardest thing to manage is the understanding that you can only effect change in your own life and circumstances. You can hope and offer help for change in your girlfriend's life and circumstances, but only she can actually accept/implement it. Ultimately, she will face consequences for her action/inaction. YOU choose to what degree you share in those consequences. On this I agree 100% On the practical advise, I would like to add another perspective. I was married to a pwBPD. All circumstances are different, but the same, in many cases. If she is not working, and you are her sole support, I suggest you take a close look at the situation with caution. Mine, she claimed to be a victim of domestic violence (google it. It is not uncommon for them to do that) once she knew the gravy train was over. While I was on the street she had all her needs taken care of courtesy of the state and yours truly. Out of that, if confronted with the same situation, and if certain that I want out, I would wait until the contract of your place (if it is a rental) expires, send her away for a weekend vacation, get a UHaul, and get out of Dodge. No explanations, no drama, no opportunity to be screwed one more time. |