BPDFamily.com

So today has been up and down. Like a dummy I broke NC. And she told me she loved me but the connection had died. This hurts so much because after the first discard I found this article. It hurts because I didn't find it sooner or else I would have run for the hills. And second, because there is no way for any of us to ever really have a successful relationship with a BPD. Here's the article. I don't even know if I'm allowed to post a link or anything. But, for me, I subconsciously learned all this after my first BPD relationship. Which is why this one hurt so much. Because I learned all of this. I was just with someone who never is capable of figuring this out as a key to what they have always wanted. I'm curious about what people think. I think it's spot on.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15107/the-1-reason-why-people-fall-out-of-love.html

Hi Roberto516,

Thanks for sharing that, if you read between the lines the article is saying that some people get emotional intensity mixed up with emotional intimacy, some people get intensity mixed up with intimacy. I speak for myself when I say this, but the intense idealization with a pwBPD was what I thought intimacy was, I had walls up and it took me a long time to realize that these were skills I learned in childhood because of my FOO these aren't practical skils in adult interpersonal r/s's.

Roberto, how are you reading this article in regards to your former relationship's failure/end?

Do you think you failed to cultivate love and gratitude and keep the relationship going, keep from falling out of love, or make it past it?

Do you think she failed that way?

Do you think you both did?

In my old relationships I didn't cultivate this stuff. But as I said I learned in therapy all of these skills. And I used them this time. But she didn't. The age old statement I used to say when I thought we could work on things together was "you have a disney view of a relationship." Meaning she never expected it to go bad. And after the idealization phase it was take, take, take. I allowed it, but when I tried to communicate my concerns it was always shut down.

Old me would have ran right away (I wanted to). But I realized I would have been repeating a dangerous relationship pattern which would have always ended in me ending a relationship. So I tried this time. I gave a lot of my love and sacrifice. I was willing to make compromises. I knew that I couldn't expect things from her. I had to put the work in.

After arguments I would think about the good times, and how the argument could be a learning experience. I didn't let the one bad experience dictate that the relationship was no good.

And then I also became aware of my self-sabotage, as I mentioned. I saw that if I didn't put the work in for once then I was writing my eulogy before I even started.

But she couldn't. After I was "hooked" all the love from her stopped. I became her caretaker. She stopped having interests in my hobbies, wanting to go out, wanting to be a part of my life. She stopped putting the work in. And I guarantee if I talked to her exe's they would say the same thing. That she just stopped being a caring person.

As she told me, the relationship just died. But she is unaware that the relationship will always die if one person is watering the plant while the other doesn't.

I know why. She views love as what her dad gives to her. Unconditional without ever asking for anything in return or feeling an obligation to do anything in return out of love. So it was doomed.

For once I was committed to a relationship. My first BPD relationship I did self-sabotage. She hurt me and I stopped being kind, caring, or attentive at all. I realize that now. In hindsight she cared more about me than this current one. So I made a committment to myself to be a real partner for once. And it just so happens I found someone who didn't share any of the same views. She's doomed to repeat the same patterns. Unless she finds a rich guy who will feed her materialistic needs and be superficial without the need or desire to communicate feelings.

The most important question is, Why did you broke No contact?

Now you have new information, Which give you doubt and delays the recovery.

Why? Because I'm stubborn. And struggle to accept that not everyone views a relationship like I do. One that takes work, commitment, and mutual love and sacrifices. Also stubborn to believe that someone can detach so much.

Logically though I get it. Far too much stuff has been said. Far too much time has gone by. It would never be the same ever again. It just wouldn't. Not for her. And not for me. Sure I could go back to someone if they really loved me. I know that relationships have ups and down like the stock market. But I'm not dealing with someone like that.

I'm dealing with someone who would take, take, take and then discard. It's the battle between not wanting to accept that this was a relationship with someone who wasn't capable of love (when I knew that early on) versus the hopeless romantic in me who knows all about the fact that relationships and love can rekindle. Not with someone like this though. She will never let go of resentments. And I don't want her back.

That's what I got so far.