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Hi people, this might be a long story but I feel terrible about how everything's gone so I don't know where to begin really... .

I met her at work, she was my manager and worked with me for a year and a half before I gathered up the courage to ask her out, which she agreed to. She always seemed a bit 'different', and there was something I always liked about her even though she wasn't really the type of girl I'm normally attracted to, couldn't explain it... .

The week before I asked her out, we were at a leaving party for another person we both worked with and I should of seen the red flags really but her ex, who she supposedly finished with in February was there and they were outside talking, or arguing I don't know (this was August time) and he looked like he was about to cry. At the end of the night, I was expecting her to drive me home but as she was giving her ex a lift, I refused. This was before we were together so it kind of felt like a kick in the guts but anyway I drove home drunk rather than get in the car with him.

The week after, I started seeing her. It seemed too good to be true straight away and after 3 weeks I'd moved into her house (she lives with her Mum). Everything went well to begin with apart from a few warning signs that I missed, i.e her storming out of the cinema on my birthday because I asked her why she was so distant and her punching me in the face one night in November. It was after November that everything went to ___ basically, in the 10 months I was with her I had 5 different jobs and got in trouble with the police on numerous occasions. I found myself obsessed with trying to keep her happy and I still don't know why or how I ended up like that.

When I felt like things were finally going well, she'd always get moody and say 'I need space' and it would always be two days where she'd apparently be down and staying at home in bed. I just thought she was depressed all along and never realised she could have BPD (a phychiatrist pointed it out last month).

She always said things felt different with me, I dunno if she said this to everyone, probably. Anyway after about 6 or 7 break up/make ups about the most pathetic and stupid things, she finally ended it with me in April. She said she needed space again and I said "should I come get my stuff then", thinking we'd talk about it but instead she put all my things in bags ready for when I arrived there. I was gutted but I still thought we could work it out but the week after that it was like she'd flipped a switch. She totally ignored me, never answered my calls, texts, never even opened the door to me when I knew she was in the house.

How do you treat a person so badly? I mean yeah, it was only 10 months I'd been with her but I was with her 99% of the time and she just cuts me off like that? I couldn't understand it. Anyway after about a week of calling, texting and showing up, I had enough and I was overwhelmed with it all. I know it was stupid, but I took 60 pills intending on killing myself. I'd never felt so ___ in my life that someone could just walk away without any guilt or remorse after the things we'd been through already.

After that she came to the hospital but disappeared pretty quickly, she said she'd think about it and told me to give her time to think, which I did, it was painful but I did it. Anyway after two days she said what I already thought, "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough for this." the following week she visited her aunties for 3 days and during this time she texted me things like "I miss you lying next to me" etc. She agreed to meet up with me for a coffee when she got back.

The coffee we were supposed to have ended up with us going back to hers and having sex, like nothing ever happened. The day after she came to see me for an hour and the day after that the same thing again, sex at hers. I thought we were actually making progress but she said "I can't trust you, we can be friends and try to work on trust".

The confusion of it all is what drove me crazy, why pick me up and put me back down again? It's sick. Anyway, the week AFTER this, I was apparently asking too many questions, she wouldn't meet up with me for even 20 minutes and kept making excuses that she was taking care of her Mum. I kept showing up at her work because I felt like I needed answers but I got none, only pure hatred and her treating me like ___ as usual. I said some things I wish I'd never said and stuck my finger up and left. She deleted my number and blocked it and now I cannot contact her at all.

Sorry about the length of this post but I'm still scratching my head over all of this, I still haven't heard any real reasons and I'm sat here feeling like the most useless piece of sh** on planet earth. After my failed suicide attempt, I saw a psychiatrist and explained to him everything that had happened and the way she acted, her family history that I knew of and mine and he said I had been emotionally abused and that she likely had BPD, which I read up on at that point. It all fits in with the things that she did and how badly I feel.

What are the chances of her realising she let a good person go or will that be the end of it?

I'm sorry msh   I can relate to the cold distance, the little crumbs of attention, and then the discard again. I'm learning more and more that once they feel hurt they will never be able to put it behind them. Holding onto anger and resentment is a cornerstone of this disorder. Mine pulled the "I can't trust you" as well. Mine would go on weekend breaks with me anytime we argued.

If she comes back I think you know she is not good for you. No partner should ever make you want to take your life. Partners can make us cry, hurt us, make us feel pretty bad. But that's normal. To feel that kind of an extreme is a real sign in my opinion.

I think mine is done. There can't be any more recycles. I said so many mean things. Things to validate to her that I am not good. She has enough ammunition to use me as the sob story for her next victim. Just like yours does. If she does try to come back just remember that you are in control.

I'm not one for vengeance or revenge but you can tell her "no. leave me alone please." and come out clean on the other side. Ours ended with me the beggar twice. And I had moments where I felt in control and could leave. But she always lured me in enough so she could turn the tables on me, and put me in a begging position. If she comes back; do it for all of us here who blew the chance. And tell her to go you know where  :)

all I have been wondering is will she feel any guilt at all for the way she had treated me?

after all I did and all the good memories will she really never speak to me again? if that is what it is is I can't promise I won't be seeking revenge for the way that I feel.

The revenge that I am trying to enact is to live a good life. I always promised her trips and adventures once I get settled financially and payed off my student loans. She dumped me right as I paid them off. So what am I doing now? Going to New Mexico, New Orleans, a cruise (solo but it will be fun), and Europe. I don't care if she knows I'm doing these things or not. I know my revenge of living well will turn into self-love for myself again. So please don't do anything drastic. It will not end well for anyone.

To answer the first question. I think they do feel guilt at times. But it's fleeting. You have to remember if she is BPD or has a majority of traits we can't even begin to comprehend their thought processes. My ex said she was sorry for hurting me, and she'd have to live with that. But that was fleeting. Now she's back to blaming, and rage. It's not something we can understand.

When I allowed the first recycle it was predicated on me begging like a fool. When she finally realized I might be leaving for good she wanted me back. Do you know how many apologies I got for her leaving me at my darkest point of my life? None. Not one acknowledgment at all during the recycle that she hurt me, or wanted to make it up to me. I did everything to make it up to her (Crazy right?)

She will probably rationalize it away, or more than likely just suppress those feelings. She probably isn't capable of feeling them. All they seem to know is high periods of anger, depression, and anxieties. But remember they are self-centered. So those feelings are always caused by someone else in their minds.

It's probably not what you want to hear. I know I hate hearing it myself. I want some acknowledgment that it meant something. Sadly, when they reach out to reconnect it's only because they want something. It has nothing to do with us. We are merely the vessel for which they can achieve what they want.

I just want to know that it wasn't me, if you know what I mean.

All of the blame was put on me and even after she ended it she said we'd be friends but tried to avoid me like the plague. Every time I tried to call her she'd block it, she's blocked me from every form of social media... .

I feel like the worst, most useless person on the planet to be thrown in the bin like that especially when the day before she told me she loved me. I guess it was all a joke to her... .

So every good memory I have of the time we spent together, does she not have the ability to remember that? or will she just totally hate me in order to justify how badly she treated me?

I still think about her every day but it's like she doesn't even care if i exist anymore... .

hi msh28 and *welcome*

im really sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad you found us. members have found themselves asking many of the questions you are asking now. these tend to be volatile relationships and we often find ourselves confused, disoriented, heartbroken, in the aftermath.

learning about BPD can go a long way in terms of depersonalizing what is very hurtful behavior for us. i encourage you to read through the lessons directly to the right ------>. they address many of the common questions we have, and many of the common wounds we struggle with. additionally, a great place to start in the aftermath of a relationship with someone with BPD is our article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD. i struggled with many of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck. you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

now that youve found us, how can we best support you, msh28?

If she has blocked all forms of contact is there any chance she will change her mind in the future and want to talk to me again or is that it? permanently?

I don't get how a person can be so cruel to anther human being, it really is disturbing.

Sometimes they do. Mine did. I was sure she was done. And then I was recycled. I was sure she was then done again. Apparently she wasn't getting my texts last week so she was sending me messages trying to be funny. I found it weird that I was sending these things, and she was replying trying to be funny and nice.  That was actually another recycle attempt. But I didn't fall for it. Literally last week when I told her that I planned to try dating again she texted me "Well then we are back together, and I want have of your 401k" I literally told her that I would never fall for it again. I have a strong feeling when she starts this new job in June, and starts feeling better she will try to reach out again; maybe. I had got her tickets to a yoga fest weekend end of august with me. Yesterday when I spoke to her she asked about it, and I told her I was still going even though it was a birthday plan for her. That's when she said to "leave me alone i'm blocking you". So even that was a fishing attempt and maybe over the summer she will try again because of those tickets.

Other people here have been discarded, and never heard from the ex again. I'm 100% positive I won't be recycled anymore. Because once she works the new job she will have many more coworkers (she has 3 now. all women) so she will find someone to date there (her MO seems to be dating coworkers since she doesn't meet guys anywhere else).

She might come back. But do you really want that? Or do you just want to see that you meant something? It's what I wanted. Just for her to reach out and want to talk to me. Which she did to start the recycle. But it led me to another discard and more pain.

To go back and answer your first question of "was this your fault?" You probably played a part in it. We all have faulty relationship behaviors. Now the key is were you trying to better yourself and the relationship through actions? If you did then you couldn't do anything else. The trend seems to be that we, the nons, attempt to repair the relationship and make sacrifices to strengthen the bond. Usually that just results in our partner taking all we give, and giving nothing back to the relationship. No matter what happened there was nothing you could have done.

All relationships involve 2 human beings. Humans with faults. In a real relationship you talk about those things, and find a way to work through them. But that involves 2 people. We were dating emotional children.

And yes, people can be cruel. But I feel bad for them. They want love so bad, but they don't know how to get it. They lack empathy, care, and the ability to put love into the relationship. What she is doing is protecting herself from her emotions. It's worked well for her in the past. Sadly, your ex and mine can't see that the coping skill is also what is destroying their relationships, and making them always feel empty.

I wanted to reply to one more thing. When I was recycled I was stunned (floored!) that she saved all of the videos she had of me on her phone. I guarantee you they are deleted now (maybe). So they do have the ability to remember. But it's black or white. When you are painted black there is no way they will consider the good times.

And you aren't worthless. You are a loving human being. It's a shame that the nicest people seem to be the ones that are prey for emotional vampires. It's not your fault. You are not worthless. You tried your hardest to love someone who was unlovable, and not capable of loving back. I struggle with this too. But don't beat yourself up.

Stay strong my friend. I hope this helped.  

Sadly that's the way BPD's are and they don't feel it like us and she will have moved on already.

Who knows if they get back in touch, she may do if things start to go bad for her, why do you ask? Will you reach out to her if she does

Mine was in a bad way and asked me to go round, I told her on the phone that I'd only go round if she promised she wouldn't turn on me.

She agreed and I went round and she turned on me.

So be careful if you do reach out as she'll bits you back

A pwBPD lacks empathy therefore they don't understand that their actions are causing pain to other people. Think of a 3 year old child, because that is the emotional development stage a BPD is stuck in. How does that child behave? Selfishly with no thought for anything other than their own needs. That is how a pwBPD behaves. No amount of trying to shame them regarding hurting you will make them change their behaviour. I have found the only way of doing it is by setting boundaries. Or the most effective way, which I have just done, is to walk away.

Many pwBPD do have a habit of coming back into our lives and recycling relationships, but not all. If they do they recycle you, a pwBPD usually still behaves in exactly the same way and leave once they are triggered by something like an abandonment fear, or an 'engulfment' fear, or even boredom.

I'm sorry for what you are going, it is a very painful process detaching from a pwBPD. Read more on this site about the disorder and keep posting on here. Do not despair friend, you don't know it yet, but you just took your first step on the road to emotional freedom and a better life.

Hi msh28,

PwBPD have empathy, think of it this way, feelings are two thousand fold for a pwBPD, there's also comorbidity, meaning that gthere can be several mental illnesses concurrently, many pwBPD have anxiety and depression there could be other Pd's too, going back to Once Removed's point about reading about the disorder, there is a reason why she acted the way that she did. A pwBPD are overwhelmed with emotions, anxiety, chronic feelings of shame, now if you were in her place, would you find it hard to think about what someone else needs when you have so much going inside?

Did your P say that she was BPD because of push / pull? I think that she was telegraphing that she was feeling engulfed when she said that she needed her space, that could of happened after you moved in with her, even closer proximity.

Also, did your P ask you if you're done with the r/s? Are you wondering if there's a chance you'll get back together?

Well I told the psychiatrist everything that had happened with us and that is what he thought. I couldn't work out why it was all so hard to cope with, I've never dreamed about suicide over a girl but it was the way it was all done.

The Sunday we were fine and then all of a sudden the next day it was like she flipped a switch and suddenly hated my guts like I was the worst person on the planet.

I have tried to contact her by text and calling her but she never replies I imagine she's found someone else now and that's why she's cut me out of her life completely. A week ago, she still had me as a contact on WhatsApp but now she's even blocked me on that.

The confusion was her reason for ending it, she said she loved me but she couldn't trust me and no matter what I said or did it wouldn't convince her. The thing that's cracked me up so badly is that even after she ended it (April 11th) she met up again with me on the 22nd, 23rd and 24th and had sex with me each time but then each time she hated me again. And no matter how hard I tried to say the right things or get closer to her again, she kept ignoring me and getting more angry at every attempt of asking questions.

Why she's done this to me I don't know, I'm having very strange dreams about her still, I feel like the worst person on this earth and she doesn't even know I exist anymore. I feel like if I died that day it would have been less painful.

The worst feeling is knowing that if I didn't move in with her so soon, it would have lasted longer but I think where she had no space, she just started to hate me over the silliest things.

I really don't know where to go from here... .

And yes, even with how badly she treated me during the break up I always wondered if there was another chance for me but sadly I think I have blown it now with her blocking me from contacting her. I think she hates me even though I did nothing wrong... .

I just want to know that I meant something at least but I don't even have that.

Mutt,

I  read about BPD prior to finding this site and it stated that a lack of empathy is the key feature. They are stuck at the development stage of a 3 year old which is before empathy is developed. For a Narcissist it is 6 years old. Are you saying this is incorrect?

I can't actually remember where I read that but having googled several psychological publications I can find little to do with having no empathy. If it is incorrect then members on this site need to be made aware as we are all citing this lack of empathy as a key feature.


I have just read a study that concludes pwBPD have lower brain activity in the areas important for empathy.

https://psychcentral.com/news/2015/08/31/low-empathy-associated-with-borderline-personality/91612.html

There is an excellent article on BPD here: www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/BPD-ekleberry.htm

No mention of a lack of empathy but talks about dysregulation in just about all areas of their personality:

Linehan proposes diagnostic criteria for BPD with specific patterns of behavioral, affective, and cognitive instability and dysregulation:

Emotional dysregulation:  These individuals are highly reactive and generally experience episodic depression, anxiety, and irritability; they also have problems with anger and anger expression.
 

Interpersonal dysregulation:  Relationships are chaotic, intense, but nevertheless, hard to give up. Individuals with BPD engage in intense and frantic efforts to keep significant others from leaving them.
 

Behavioral dysregulation:  Individuals with BPD evidence extreme and problematic impulsive and suicidal behaviors. They often attempt to injure, mutilate, or kill themselves.
 

Cognitive dysregulation:  There is indication of nonpsychotic forms of thought dysregulation including depersonalization, dissociation, and delusions that can be brought on by stressful situations.
 

Self dysregulation:  Individuals with BPD often have little sense of self; they feel empty. BPD is a disorder of both the regulation of and the experience of the self. (Linehan, 1993, p. 11)

You are me when this all happened. I would have typed the same exact thing. I can tell you now that I don't blame myself. I have some regrets that it happened this way. But I don't hold the blame anymore. I did before. Like you.

You meant something for her, at a time. Sadly, like all of us, it wasn't a meaning that was predicated on a commitment to put mutual work in, through thick and thin, etc. etc.

It really helps to grieve, and allow yourself to be sad. That doesn't mean sit there and ruminate on the memories, what if's, etc. It means telling yourself you are (fill in the emotion), and then just sit with it. Notice how it feels physically when you feel that way. Tell yourself it's okay that you are sad. If you can focus on the emotion and not the details you will find yourself improving.

But it sounds like you just need to grieve and go through this knockout punch. Like we all did. Nothing anyone said to me helped in the beginning in a way that I felt immediately better. Just know you aren't alone. Look at the support! And that's okay to be sad and grieve. 

I just want to know that it wasn't all my fault, to be honest... .

I can take the fact that she no longer wants to be with me but the way it all happened has left me scratching my head over it, still. "I love you, but I can't trust you". Well if you had feelings, would you not have spoken to me AT ALL in the weeks after dumping me?

Every time I call her, she hangs up, she's blocked me from all social media, so has her Mum. What is the big issue in sitting down and talking about things like adults? I can't understand it, it's sick.

Part of me wants to see her and ask for answers and part of me feels like driving my car straight through her front room for what she's done to me.

Will she do the same things in every relationship or was it my fault? She said I told too many little lies (which I did but that was months and months ago) and suddenly she doesn't trust me. It ended with our relationship status on Facebook being deleted, something I'm sure she did but she'll never admit it. She told me it was me, even though I had photos of us on my page so what would be the point?

This is why it's difficult for someone with traits to talk about how they are feeling/give an explanation. As you are overwhelmed with feelings right now your natural inclination is to want to figure it out/talk about. Someone with BPD traits first inclination is to make the pain go away.

I can't help but see myself in you, and it's just a lot of rumination going on. That's okay.

The answers are going to have to come from you. Not giving her answers. Giving yourself answers. She is a 1000 piece puzzle, and no matter how hard we try we will always be missing pieces. You won't ever get the whole picture. You'll gain a great sense of her personality through reading the research, and knowledge section of this site. But the answers you have to find for yourself. Why do you feel this way? What's causing you to feel so hurt inside of you? Etc, etc. But that takes time.

Sadly the questions you have won't be given answers by her. I tried for 5 months. Imagine 5 months of trying to seek closure. Nothing... .absolutely nothing that made any logical sense.

Last thing, she probably will do it with other men. The only way she won't is if he is able to give her what she wants for longer than you were able to. But all humans have their breaking points. You seem some posters here were in relationships for decades. But eventually, everyone has enough. It's not sustainable. I'm the most loving, selfless human being I know. I could only make it about 18 months before I had to beg her to put some effort into keeping us together.

Is there any chance of her talking to me again in the future?

I did say some nasty things to her, but I'd like to think I'm still in her mind somewhere.

Do you want this "cruel" to change her mind and contact you? If so why?
I would say if she doesn't you would be a lucky person to escape sooner than later.
My daughter has wreaked havoc in the lives of 2 very innocent men. It was so very sad for us to witness. We cared for her 2 spouses a lot. We treated them like our own sons. So much pain they endured. Spouse #2 is still living in the thick of it knowing full aware she is having an affair with a new source of supply. We have had to step away as it is too painful to watch. His codependency is very strong. They have a child together as well. I wish she would leave her 2nd husband to put him out of his misery. He isn't going anywhere until she discards him. She won't do that until she is secure the new guy is solid. Her first husband even warned 2nd husband what was going to happen but he was in the love bombing phase with her. It doesn't end well and the longer it drags out the more pain and destruction takes place. I wish you well.   

Hi msh28,


I'd suggest to read up on splitting, a pwBPD have a difficult time seeing the world and the people in it an integrated, your either all good or all bad, in reality people have both good qualities and bad qualities, that's why she liked one minute and hated you the next. You got close to her, people split the people that they care about most. You're seeing a P, talking to a support group, all positive steps, can you elaborate on what you mean by you're not sure where to start?

I was married with kids with my ex with BPD traits at the end she was absolutely determined to leave and she did, she stopped communicating with me too, we had a young family and lived together for several years, I've had depression for most of my adult life, I was really depressed after she left, there was a point where I wanted to take my own life, you're not alone with these thoughts. I've had them too, I have depression under control for now, i'm guessing that you're getting yours treated if you're seeing a T?

I have no job now, no money, no self esteem, nothing. She said we'd always be friends but since she split up with me it's been like she doesn't even remember I exist... .She knew most of my most intimate secrets and everything and I know a few of hers (unless that was a lie too) and she just walks away, ignores me and cuts off all contact from me like I'm nothing.

I even tried contacting her though her mother to see if she was okay and she blocked me too. How hard is it to send a message, does she HATE me that much that I'm not even worthy of a text message?

its natural that you would want some form of explanation from her. theres a lot of pain here, and her behavior feels difficult to comprehend.

reaching out seems to be having a compounding negative effect. often times, when a relationship ends, and we reach for explanation, or soothing words, it is seen as clingy, and pushes the other person away further. i suspect, given the nature of BPD, and her feelings at the moment, that reaching out is reinforcing her feelings. in turn, it leaves you feeling even more rejected.

this is really hard, and painful stuff. i know it threw my world upside down that the love of my life suddenly treated me like her worst enemy. youre in good company now, with people who understand, and can tell you that there is hope, and that things do indeed get better.

keep reading, learning, and posting. we are here for you at every step of this journey, and we know how hard and overwhelming all of this can be.

It just feels like she is dead but I know she's alive. Why won't she just talk to me? Is there something she is hiding? I mean I have taken all of the blame and I didn't even do the dumping.

She's acted like I'm a piece of dirt straight away after ending it with me. I know I shouldn't of demanded answers but what else would anyone do in that situation? it's just not normal... .

Will she eventually talk to me again or will I be forever hated because I asked why?

i felt similarly. it was a surreal feeling. the world was a dark place.

we cant know whats in her head; youre in a better position to speculate on that than we are.


this is impossible to say. the question is whether you intend to wait to find out. are you wanting to rekindle the relationship? if so, the Saving board would be a better fit for relationship repair.

Hi msh28,

Are you done with the r/s? Many of us asked ourselves what could I have done differently to avert the break up. If there is something that BPD behaviors teach us with all or nothing thinking is that there are no absolutes.

I've read different posts from members where they heard from their ex again in a week, a month, years or even decades after they were split black, you can look at this from a a couple of different angles, you can focus on yourself and learn the r/s tools over on saving or focus on yourself, grieve the r/s, mend your wounds and do the self work on leaving.

I honestly doubt I'll ever rekindle anything when she hates me like this. Her ex was trying to rekindle things with her and they lasted a lot longer than me and her did and she wouldn't have anything to do with him either.

I just want a text message or a phone call, anything to let me know that I wasn't a waste of time and that she doesn't hate me so much that all the things I did for her and the things we spoke about meant anything at all to her.

At the moment I really do wish I wasn't here living this never ending nightmare which nobody understands but me. My own family are sick of me now and I just don't know where else to turn.

I can't beg her anymore than I have already and apart from that all I feel is spite. I can't understand hw anyone can treat another human being so cruelly for doing nothing apart from love them.

All I want is some form of communication.

Well it is pretty much done and I think I did more damage by asking for answers which I couldn't help. She expected me to just walk away without a real answer or a reason why and I couldn't understand why she was being so cold and ignoring me straight away, I couldn't do it.

I was only with her from August April but it was so intense we moved in together after 2 weeks, which, looking at it now is probably where I went wrong but I couldn't help it at the time. I'd known her for about a year and a half before that as I worked with her, we always got along and now all of a sudden I'm being treated like I'm the worst person on earth and other guys who've worked with her for a matter of weeks are treated like God's.

As far as the relationship goes I think it's done, who knows. I'd take her back even after all of this pain she's caused me but I don't think she will change her mind now, I just feel I deserve some form of contact for the good times we had and the things I did for her and the encouragement I gave her.

There was no need for it to be ended like that. Especially when deep down she knew she could of trusted me. That's something I think I'll never get my head around, whether or not she was honest in not trusting me or whether it was something else entirely - I.e her overlapping, falling out of love with me, cheating etc.

Is she likely to reach out despite the horrible things I said to her?

Hi msh28,

My advice is if you're really done with the r/s, I'd let go of any ideas about getting back together to speed up the healing process.

this is where learning more about the disorder can really come in handy.

these are defense/survival mechanisms which are complicated, and complex. the behavior feels very personal to us, but it is processed by our exes differently than we tend to imagine.

i know. that takes very little sting out. but i found some solace in the early days of my recovery by learning more about the disorder. it helped me to answer my questions (i had thousands) and give me a sense of resolve and resolution.

have you read the article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD? how did you react to it? are you struggling with any of the particular ten beliefs that can keep us stuck?

Yeah I am struggling on all of the 10 beliefs.

I am blaming everything on myself but somehow I don't trust her reasons, "I love you but I dont trust you" doesn't sound like a proper reason to walk away from me when I gave her nothing to not trust me over... .

I can't help thinking there was more to it, I couldn't satisfy her (ed problems she knew about but said it must be her) or something similar. She thought I was making it up even though I have been going to hospital appointments since November as I think I have damaged something (another worry now) she said I made her feel hideous.

The thought that that could of been the reason (even though she has never previously said that to me) is making me sick to the stomach as there was nothing I could do about it.

Everything you are going through is perfectly normal in a normal healthy relationship.  Most of the time we understand the reason for a normal relationship falling apart, it's one or both parties and it's relatively apparent what's going on.  And usually after a breakup there are still lines of communication open between the parties because they're both emotionally mature (ish) individuals so closure can be had.  In my past breakups I've always been able to pinpoint the reason for the breakup.

With BPD there is nothing of the sort, yet we try to rationalize the relationship as if it was a healthy one between two emotionally mature individuals.  So when our partner in a normal relationship says "You've done this that hurt me!" we can honestly evaluate it and put some credibility into what they're saying.  Same thing goes for the BPD - we think there is some credibility to what they're saying so we evaluate it as such.  And when they "ghost" you, blaming closeness or something wrong you did, it can't be farther from a normal breakup, and you will want to either steer it back to the relationship or steer it to what you would consider a normal breakup.  And right now you're asking everyone if she'll get back in touch because you so want to hear from the idealization split that you grew so attached to.  Everyone here has had that feeling.  We all minimize or put upon ourselves the bad stuff they do and blow up all the good at the beginning of the relationship.

I've said this before, but they're like a constantly wounded animal, and the thing that hurts them is emotions.  They're so focused on survival, pulling away from the emotions, that whatever is going on with you is far in the distance in their mind.  You are hurting them by their point of view, and they will do whatever it takes to get distance.  Any type of communication will be seen as you trying to emotionally hurt them.

You want closure or you want her back, that's understandable.  But you are also wanting that from the idealization split that you grew attached to, and you're taking everything from the devaluation to heart thinking it's from the same person who idealized you.  My thought is, if they aren't willing to go get treatment for their condition, then the true BPD is the devaluation split - the one who wants to make you feel like an awful human being for caring for her.  The one who stayed a hot minute after you tried to commit suicide.

I honestly think that the only reason why anyone who has dealt with a BPD should break nc is to see if the BPD is in treatment for the condition and how well the treatment is going.  If they're unwilling to make a commitment to get help then they don't really care and are just trying to make themselves feel good for a moment.

And you're wondering if she feels bad about what has happened.  She probably feels it way more than most but she's built in the defense mechanisms to counter those feelings so she projects them almost immediately.  :)eep down she's constantly fighting that battle with the emotions so subconsciously she feels it and it leaves her empty and hating herself in general, but her mind won't allow those things to become a conscious thought without them being put on other people for fear the emotional turbulence will ruin her.

it does seem contrary, doesnt it? people with BPD traits are generally distrusting of others. a hallmark of the disorder involves frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, even perceived. those perceptions, real or perceived, validate a distrusting belief system. and in a romantic relationship, these fears are heightened.


im really sorry youre going through that. its not anything that anyone asks for.

people with BPD have a high rejection sensitivity, so it makes sense (from her perspective) that she would take this very personally, and believe that it is all about her. when a person (anyone really) is emotionally dysregulated, feelings are like facts. in other words, from her perspective, she felt hideous, therefore she was hideous. that, of course, is not your fault (and it very likely was not the reason for the breakup or her behavior after it), but i found understanding the way the disorder played out during my relationship gave me a different perspective and helped me to depersonalize. it helps to talk.

I can honestly say that with this break up, the guilt and blame she put on me, lack of money due to losing my jobs and the uncertainty of my hospital appointments (whether permanently damaged or not) this is the lowest I have ever felt in my life.

I suppose all the running after her has pushed her further away, I just wanted to try and get my point across that NOTHING I am going through was anything to do with me finding her hideous.

My head is just going mental over everything that happened before that I am now piecing together and trying to make sense of. I wrote her a letter and gave it to her and it was pretty nasty but I felt like she was just laughing at my misery.

I wish I knew about BPD while I was still with her, maybe I could of understood her better, I don't know. I always thought she was a bit cold but I've never experienced a level of cruelty this bad and if, by some miracle, I am able to get my head sorted out, I never want to feel like this again.

A part of me is wondering whether she found someone else near to the end as she kept accusing me of things I'd never do, I did lie to her a few times and she brought up those things as reasons why she couldn't trust me but those things happened months and months ago and I thought we were past that.

The last time I saw her I begged her to believe me that I was a decent guy and she could trust me and she said she wanted to believe me but her mind wouldn't let her.

I just feel so worthless because she hasn't even asked me if I'm okay. Does that mean she never thinks about me at all?

She won't ask if you're okay.  It's not about you, it's about her.  Even in the idealization phase it's about her not scaring you off so she doesn't feel lonely and abandoned.

She probably does think about you, but right now it's nothing good.  You're black to her, totally evil.  She's not thinking about all the good times, she's taking every single minuscule "bad" thing and blowing them out of proportion.  Her mind won't let her think about the good times.

Hi msh28,


A pwBPD split the people that they care about most.

Is there any chance of this changing or is this usually permanent? Anything I say to her just makes things worse, it's like talking to a brick wall.

There's really no permanence with BPD.  The switch can be flipped pretty much any time.  But that's a problem - typically the more it's flipped the easier it is for it to be flipped and the shorter the time between.  She actually probably flipped a couple times when y'all were together by the sound of it.  The problem is you'll be in this same position down the road starting over with healing the wounds she caused.  Without extensive therapy there is absolutely no way to keep her happy, eventually the bottom falls out and she'll ghost again.

Mutt's right - she cares about you, and that's the problem to her.  Caring means loss of independence and self to the emotions.

She's got a weird way of showing it IF she does care about me. She's tried everything she can to avoid me and treat me like the worst piece of sh** on this planet.

Even when I came out of hospital, she never called me and now that I'm blocked from everything she seems to have just forgotten about me.

She said don't turn up at her house or at work but I've been guilty of doing that a few times. Looking back, I know I shouldn't of done that but I couldn't help it, I thought she could give me all the answers or even change her mind about us but I know that will never happen now.

She's made me out to be the villain when all I tried to do was encourage and support her... .and with this ED problem I have had since November, I was worried things would go this way.

Strangely, I think it was sex with her that caused that damage and now I'm dealing with the probability that I could have permanent damage.
Weirdly enough she used it against me claiming I made it all up and I make her feel hideous because of it. Even after she has been coming to my hospital appointments since November.

I'll admit, I did tell a few white lies but I never cheated on her or even thought about being with anyone else. There was no reason for her to even think that, I'd even let her check my phone if she asked to.

Is that likely the reason or could it be her own guilt or maybe she found someone else? Is this typical BPD behaviour?

You're still basing your logic on a normal person.  If she is BPD she is interpreting her caring as something scary - either a loss of independence or an opportunity for abandonment.  All she can see is how her emotions could potentially hurt her.  There is no way of logically explaining it to her because then she'll take that as an attack or any number of other negative things.

You can sit there and ruminate all you want to about what could have been the breaking point, but it has nothing to do with you or your treatment of her.  Eventually she would find a reason to push away and flip the switch.  They are so scared that every little thing can set them off, and they will even design traps or tests that are pretty much unwinnable just to prove the point that there is a chance you could abandon her or that there is something wrong with you that would keep you with her despite her abuse.

I don't know you from anyone else, but I can guarantee you that you don't deserve the constant punishment she has put you through.  You deserve a relationship where the other partner is in it and with you and loves you.  You may think she's worth putting up with all this because of her initial behavior with you but until she gets treatment everything she does will be to constantly avoid being alone and being abandoned.

Honestly I could of lived with it if she sat down with me like a normal human being and discussed it like adults do.

"I love you but I dont trust you and without trust it will never work but we can be friends and try to rebuild trust"

That was what she said initially... .Then after the 3 days I met back up with her she disappeared again and it was back to. "I love you but I dont trust you"

Now, she's giving off all the vibes that she hates my guts, like I'm the worst person she's ever known. I don't understand it and I never will.

She could of said any other reason and it would of sounded less made up.

It's not necessarily made up, to her.  She doesn't trust you.  She doesn't trust anyone once she's emotionally connected to them.  My BPD said pretty much the same thing the week before ghosting, and she constantly said "I don't think I can handle this relationship, it's just too hard."

So how come her relationship with her ex lasted so much longer than us? that's what I wonder.

He wasn't a better guy than me... .

I know the spot you are in. You want it to make sense. We all did. I obsessed, and ruminated on her and what went wrong, what I lost, what I did, where I messed up, was I a failure, etc etc 24/7 for far too long. Have you tried to go to therapy? It really will help. But the rumination and looking for answers keeps us all as hamsters on a wheel. If you read the replies of people you will see the answers to the questions you are looking for. They probably aren't the answers you want. They weren't the answers I wanted.

I'm not in any way trying to tell you to stop feeling, being sad, etc. But the rumination will lead nowhere but to despair. It's really time to take care of yourself. Find hobbies, talk about your feelings as opposed to details about the relationship, keep busy, etc. It's the only way to heal.

I see me in you. And I know how you are feeling right now. I'm sorry. It does get better. I'm not close to being "better". But I am better than when I was. And that's something. 

What has annoyed me the most is when she dumped me she straight away seemed to forget I existed. Every contact was initiated by me, not her. She never asked are you okay? Just straight ignored me like I mean nothing to her.

Maybe I didn't ever mean sh** to her, that's the hardest thing to take. All those memories I have, she doesn't. She just hates me for no reason at all and she's justified that in her own mind, I am a sh** person not worthy of a text message at least.

Do they ever think about other people at all? Or do they never ever look back? I mean, she said we would be friends maybe that was a lie too, her way of saying 'I know I treated you like ___ but I don't want you to hate me'.

I texted her 12 hours ago and I'm still waiting for a reply, I know she's never off the phone so I know she's just ignoring me again.

Does Karma even happen to sick people like that? Do they ever regret what they did, even a little?

I want to be honest, but not harsh by any means. I've noticed you have asked this question many times on this thread. What is the answer you would like for one of us to tell you?

And it seems to me like you are by no means ready to end the relationship with her. The best thing you can do is go no contact. Because two things will happen. One, she will see you stopped and she will come back. Because right now you are giving her exactly what she wants, and it's also turning her off to you to see you pleading. They need strong people to latch onto. Second, by going no contact there is a slight chance you might see the light of why you are better off, and you might tell her no. If you do or if you don't the choice is certainly up to you. I don't want this to seem like I am telling you what to do. I only know all this because of my own all too real, and all too fresh experience that is similar to yours.

The fact is, I don't know if she will come back even if I do ignore her. There was an attraction between us, unless that was just my imagination as well. I'm a good looking guy it was just unfortunate for me to develop sexual problems along the way.

And I guess I blame that in myself as well, what if? What if she actually dumped me because of that and made up a reason to get rid of me? I guess I'll never know... .

Pretty sure she will have moved on by now if these boards are anything to go by. I was the one providing her affection every night and now that I'm not there, I am pretty sure someone else will be in my place and it sickens me that she tried to hide this from me and keep stringing me along.

I hope she realises what she gave up, a guy she could trust and who genuinely loved her but if what I've read is true, there's not much chance in that happening.

People look for karma on here all the time.  The karma is essentially that she won't live a life like you or I, having close friendships and relationships that matter.  They will constantly burn bridges their entire life and constantly be scared of being alone and will subconsciously hate themselves, becoming an empty shell.  It's a sad life.  I have been told by one of our court psychologists that they usually burn out of BPD by age 40 just because of the sheer energy needed to run the defense mechanisms they constantly run.

Think of it kind of like this, even though it's not totally accurate.  With your hospital troubles did you ever get to the point that you were just totally focused on the pain and wanting it to go away?  :)idn't matter who or what was going on around you, maybe lashing out at doctor's to f'ing fix the problem?  That's kind of how a BPD person is with emotions - they just want it fixed and can only think of their own survival.  They're so focused on abandonment that they will do almost anything to get a relationship and they're so focused on independence and not losing themselves they'll only focus on escaping the perceived threat, whether it be lying or ghosting or fog to keep control and at a distance.

The emotions you are feeling are completely natural, you're grieving.  Roberto is right - you can't ruminate to try to make the emotions go away, you'll just make them worse by going down the rabbit hole.  be angry and sad and all of that.  The answer to all of your questions down the rabbit hole is that she has a personality disorder, the only way to fix it is through specialized therapy, and you are not a piece of sh**, a bad person, or any other bad thing.  You deserve someone that won't push you to suicide and will stick with you at the hospital when you have issues.  Not a shell of a person.

To be honest I think if the hospital sh** had been sorted out, I might still be with her now, but who knows... .

She never could get her head around it, neither could I really, I just knew there was (and still is) something wrong and I'm no closer to getting it sorted out. It was 50% that and 50% her dumping me and ignoring me that drove me to wanting to commit suicide in the first place... .

And then after all the time we'd spent going to the hospital and talking over it, she came out with "You were making it up, weren't you, you make me feel hideous about myself".

The last few weeks her behaviour was a bit dodgy and I was asking myself if she was cheating or not, or if it was because I was making her 'feel hideous', because of my problems. She'd do things like not let me see her body, or cover herself up really quickly after sex, I always wonder if she overlapped because as soon as she dumped me it was like she instantly didn't give a ___ about me anymore.

Even at the hospital I could see her wanting to get away. If she has done that, I hope karma comes around because there was no need for all of this blame to be put on me and there was no need to treat me like I didn't exist and then, even after all of that, I still wanted her back and she had no intention of it, just strung me along and then discarded me again.

I've even started to wonder now whether I have BPD or not but I was relatively normal until I met this girl and now I just burst into tears randomly throughout the day.

I have never felt so abandoned in my whole f**king life and she's out there enjoying herself and having fun.

What is wrong with me?

I've read all your posts and I understand 100%, with me it was 48 weeks yesterday the last time I saw her.
She is all I can think about every waking minute, I can barely hold down a conversation with people on the odd time I do see someone.
I can't even write on here properly because my thoughts are too fast for my typing.
I too burst into tears at all times of day no matter where I am, although I spend 98% of my life stuck in a single room on my own.
I like you can't believe the abandonment and how she can just carry on and not even send me a text in all this time.
She knew how bad a state she left me in so to think that the woman who was wearing my engagement ring and who said I was the one and she loved me could do that to me is still killing me.
I'm dead to her and obviously I must have been since the day we split or she would have made contact.

I understand exactly how you feel trust me.
I can't function, I have zero motivation and a single track mind, my brain functions are now damaged and I can't fix it.
Life consists of watching TV and messing about on the PC until I can get back to sleep which then I constantly keep waking up. Then it all starts again like groundhog day.
This has all left me  a nervous wreck also and even going to the shop is a scary trauma.
So yes I know how you feel and I am really sorry for you because the thought of somebody else feeling this way is not nice.

Did she leave you for someone else?

This is what I don't understand, she still says there is nobody else, she isn't seeing anyone. Well who's getting all her phone calls, text messages and giving her the affection that I used to?

How else would she move on so easily if there was nobody else?

No she didn't leave for someone else, she left because we had a massive fallout due to me losing the plot after all the abuse she kept giving me.
Also she kept letting me down over something and I always lost out, it's too long a story for me to write at the moment.
Anyway I told her some home truths in not a nice way and that was it. whether the truth hurt or whether she just couldn't see it and thought I was being nasty I don't know.
I'd tried to explain it all to her for months but she only saw her side.
She said I was a nasty scary man, so I think she couldn't forgive me for what I said even though I forgave her for the verbal abuse she gave me on a weekly sometimes daily basis.
Seems like it was OK for her to do it but not me.
She may well have someone else now I don't know, I often wonder if she is back with the guy she was engaged to before me.
Thing is I know he is the only person she has ever recycled (twice) and she treated him badly and I am friends with his brother and he is a nice guy.
Of course she blamed him for their split like she blamed her other previous BF's.

I think she just has the ability to switch off her feelings and move on, delete people from her life as though they never existed without thought for the other person and without feeling hurt herself. Or she can put all the blame on me and to her she is totally innocent and is the aggrieved person who has been wronged.
I know she has done it to other people and never contacted them again.
I envy her ability to do this even though I couldn't do it to someone, I want to hate her in the hope it will make me feel better as that's what seems to work for her, but I can't hate her.

I want to hate my ex for making me beg and plead with her all for nothing. How do they do it? It's like one massive lie and then they dump you on your head and just expect you to be like "ok, fair enough I'll just walk away".

Do they get enjoyment out of making people feel like ___? I mean, I wouldn't wish this sh** on anyone, not even a murderer.

Do they just keep repeating the same patterns with every person they are with? or is it just me?

Someone needs to teach me how to actually destroy a person like that, not because I'd want to do that to someone else, because I'd understand it better.

Once you are devalued and discarded is that it?

Like nothing I say to her has any effect any more it's almost like she enjoys seeing me suffer. She won't answer the phone, takes forever to reply to messages and just ignores me most of the time.

Is there anything I can do or say to make her realise she's made a big mistake or will I always be treated like this now?

msh28, i know that being dumped is very hard. But, if you would read other posts here where BPD-s do this:
-
She won't answer the phone, takes forever to reply to messages and just ignores me most of the time.
-
then people suggest no contact.

You know, we all have had probably times in our lives where we have been too clingy, done begging and so on. If i think about those episodes in my life i feel embarrassed. So take this advice and dont do it. Stop it. If you feel that you want to text something very needy to her then the best solution would be to change your smartphone to those old buttonphones. And im not kidding, its not as bad idea as it may sound.

She's behaving very oddly i.e texting at 2 in the morning, asking if I can talk, messages not going through on WhatsApp sometimes, won't meet me for a coffee and a chat so I've got it in my head she's seeing someone else but why keep in contact with me then?

She swore on her mum's life she wasn't seeing anyone and I don't see any reason she would have to lie about that since we're not together anymore. But why will she not meet up with me then?

Does she think I might mess up her new relation___ or something?

Msh28

You are wanting closure from a person who is mentally disordered and not able to. Just admitting she has any fault will make her feel tremendous shame, and her fragile house of cards will come down. Right now, you are the wind to her precious house of cards. She will do what she has to provide shield.

Right now, you are that coworker ex you saw her talking to before you refused to ride with. I'm sure she was giving him the I need some space but we could be friends speach. Probably had sex with him before she dumped him to be with you. That's probably what she was doing when she had sex with you a few weeks after having broken up with you. You were a backup plan in case it didn't work with the next guy.

Word of advice, be careful that she doesn't get a restraing order out on you for harassment. You keep on calling or trying to contact her and her family and thats what will happen. Do you need that in your life at this moment?


This person had you contemplating taking your life, she's caused you to lose your job, you've been estranged from your family because of her ... .when is it going to be enough. You want closure so bad,  you're going to have to get it from yourself.  Take a month to step back, go no contact, and you'll finally realize that getting away from her was a God send.

Msh,
   I am so glad you found us here. Welcome to the Family. 

I am also sorry you are going through this. As Once Removed mentioned, it would help to read the articles on this site and familiarize yourself with "depersonalization".

My ex told me she loved me with all her heart and we would always be best friends. She said this while crying and holding me in her arms. She then proceeded to tell me she found another (who was a mutual friend of ours) but nothing was changing.

As I left her home a locksmith was pulling up to change the locks on her doors. I never saw our dog again and while she reached out to me twice via email---while I was off on a vacation we booked together a week later... .alone, I chose not to respond. She had left me several times in our relationship and I was not taking this again.

What happened after that? Well I was blocked, slandered and accused of rape. Accused of all sorts of malicious horrible things, when two weeks earlier this woman cried telling me she loved me no matter what.

I like to think of it as "emotional amnesia". There are times you will appear in their minds in a positive light but it seems to be when whomever they are currently with isn't working out. They are hyper focused on the replacement and that is where all their attention goes until they begin to devalue them. After that, all that is left is the discard which is inevitable.

You are trying to rationalize this from a healthy mindset and that is why this is so painful. All the crap your ex did... .THAT is the true person. You need to block out the words "I love you" and realize her ACTIONS were her true identity.

Did she ever love you? In her way, yes. She NEEDED you. It's not the same love as in a healthy, give and take relationship.

She might reach out someday, she might not. There is no way to predict that. But you can't halt life waiting for it to happen. What are you currently doing to try to move out of your current funk? Are you getting sleep and eating? The best thing to do is try to get back on a schedule for yourself, set some goals you can obtain. Take up a hobby you've always wanted to try.

Keep your mind busy.

As Rayban mentioned you are wanting closure from someone who is not capable.

How do you think can you give yourself the closure you need?

The fact is, I know she's likely seeing someone else and has probably already moved him into her house but my thinking is why not tell me that? Why keep contact open with me?

Why lie and say you aren't seeing someone, we said we'd be friends yet she is so busy she can't even come for a coffee for half an hour?

I don't get it. Am I a fall back option or something?

Let me ask you this:

Could you handle being friends with her? If she decided to confide in you that this new person is "the love of her life" and she has never met someone so deep, so amazing.

How would you react to that? Could you honestly sit there and support her words without a reaction?

Here's the thing. I know three people who stayed friends with our mutual ex. The only time she hung out with them is when she was a)bored or b) wanted to throw her relationship in their face to see if they still "wanted" her and were jealous.

Do you really, really think you could be friends with someone who replaced you so quickly? Someone who moved in the new guy days, weeks later?

I am not trying to be mean, I hope I am not coming off this way... .email/typing sometimes does! I am just playing the devil's advocate here and providing some scenerios to think about.

With any breakup, time and space is needed. BPD breakups are not the norm. Her schluffing you off, not even meeting for coffee is showing you WHO SHE IS. If she were interested she'd meet for coffee. She's not.

This is your ex at her core. Why is it important to you to stay friends with someone who was never really your friend in the first place? Someone who treats you so poorly.

I think you answered your question: "Am I a fall back option or something"?

If she hasn't fully secured your replacement she is very likely leaving the door open a "crack" in case things fail. Mine did that three times until I caught on. It didn't happen a fourth, I took myself out of the equation. Of course I became the evil one because I stopped allowing her to manipulate me and hurt my heart.

You are only a fall back option if you allow yourself to be. If you remove yourself from the chaos she won't be able to rope you back in.

You hold the power, not her. Remember that, Friend.

I watched several of my ex's exes try to maintain friendships with her. Thing is this, friendship was just as one sided as the relationship. She would use them for support when things weren't working out with her current GF. As soon as she found someone else she would dump them on their a's and only contact them when things weren't working for her again.

It was all about HER needs and no one elses. You have to look at it from that perspective to avoid being burned.

Let's look at the series of events;

1. She breaks up with you saying she needs space. (Translation I've found someone else Im grooming, but I still want you around as insurance)

2. A few weeks go by, the replacement is not around, maybe they had an argument, so she calls you, and becomes intimate with you. It's her weapon to keep you attached.

3. Replacement has gone through grooming passed her screening, and you are offered friendship for your troubles. (See this often on this board. In BPD talk this means go take a hike, I'm done with you, but I need you on standby in case I need you for triangulation or to fix my car or something like that.

4. You are naturally in limbo and in so much pain  (I've been there and I sympathize with you). You aren't able to realize it right now but she gave you the gift of freedom. As Pretty Woman mentioned you hold the power right now.

5. You have alot of questions right now, and a lot of resentment, which is perfectly normal. You wish to have a discussion with her seeking closure.  That won't happen . You might see her again, and that time she will finish you off.

My friend, sorry if I'm blunt here but here are the facts;

You almost lost your life because of her, you've lost your job, your family is keeping there distance and your reaction is that you want to go back for more. I know you love her, but you have to start thinking with your head here. You want blouse?  Then stand up polish yourself, and get the help needed to become somone she should regret losing.  Start with baby steps, but your goal should be to show not only her, but the whole world that you rose above a difficult situation making you stronger,  and a better person then she could ever be. Stay strong.

Rayban gives very good advice. We know it hurts, God we know. I feel for you, I really do. I almost lost my job... .and for what?

I am very fortunate I have a great boss and work for a good company. I had to pull it together or she would have gotten the best of every part of me.

Don't let your ex get the best of you. You can still succeed in life. She is NOT the end all be all. It may feel like it now, but give yourself time, and give yourself credit. Stop worrying about what she is doing. What she is doing is not relevant. You are no longer in a relationship with her. Now is the time to work on what you CAN control.

You and your life.

What do you want, Msh? What makes Msh happy? What is your plan to reach that happiness?

Hi msh--I think so many of us have been where you are now (whether we've dated pwBPD or not), in terms of the heartbreak and wondering what we might have done to deserve it. I know it hurts SO much, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. I hope you're being kind to yourself right now and leaning on your support system. Do you think it might be a good idea to talk with a therapist? A good therapist can be a huge help. I was in a dysfunctional, emotionally abusive relationship years ago and knew I needed to leave but couldn't bring myself to do it. I started seeing a therapist with the sole purpose of getting myself strong enough to leave, and it worked beautifully. I've NEVER regretted leaving and now I'm happily married to the best guy in the world. Maybe therapy would help you feel stronger.

Honestly, I'm THAT angry I feel like driving my car into her living room.

I don't understand the need to blatantly lie to someone's face and HOW on earth they can't even show even a little hint of guilt. I mean, I'm in the hospital and all she wanted to do was get away, what kind of sick person is that? I don't think I'm ever gonna look at things differently now, I just feel spite.

Then to string me along saying she's not with anybody and asking me if I'm with anyone (with no intention of trying to get back with me) What the F***?

We broke up not even a month ago and she's already got someone living there with her. What kind of a slut is that?

Re-read your op my man. Think about what you wrote. You're at a going away party for a coworker, and she's off talking with her ex. You're on the sideline. She makes sure you see her arguing with her ex, and you watch him walk away, almost crying. She nexes her plan to drive you home for the opportunity to triangulate you with him. Despite the argument, he accepts a ride from her, you refuse the lift, and she leaves with him. Like you mention this was a redflag that you decided to dismiss. She agreed to date you, but he got the ride.

You're measuring stick should be her actions not her words. I obviously dont know if this guy is still in her life, but I could tell you that it's highly likely that that's the role she had lined up for you.

You probably want to deny this, despite seeing it with your own eyes, but this is the tip of the iceberg. She as a myrade of guys on the sideline.  :)o you want to be part of them?

The reality is that you want her to confirm to you that you were somewhat special maybe different?

Don't waste another second of your time with her. Words are cheap. Judge by her actions. Rise above.  :)on't let her destroy you.

Does this person enrich your life?  Does this relationship make you feel safe, like you have a soft place to fall with this woman?  Do you like the person you are in this relationship?

If not, then I think the path is clear.

We're not in a relationship any more it's just annoying that she's keeping me hanging on to crumbs.

I'm pretty sure she's seeing somebody else but why won't she admit it? We aren't together any more I just want to know whether or not to move on and start seeing other people. It doesn't seem fair she's keeping communication open for what?

How can I make her regret her decision or is it too late for that now?

I understand that you're not together at the moment--I was just trying to give you some things to think about in terms of deciding whether you'd take her back if she asked you.

My two cents: I don't think there is any way for you to MAKE her regret her decision--remember that these are people who have very little control over their own emotions and whose actions and reactions tend to be very counterintuitive (making their motives hard to figure out). And even if there were a way to make her regret her choices, is that important in the long run? What will focusing on that accomplish other than keeping you tied to her emotionally and giving her that much more power over you?

She very well may regret it someday, and I really believe that the old saying "living well is the best revenge" is 100% true. My hope for you is that you will soon feel ready to start moving on and leaving this pain in your rearview mirror. I don't think you'll be able to do that if you are focused on revenge or making her regret her decision to leave you. I know all this is MUCH easier said than done (believe me--I have a history of dysfunctional relationships myself--before I met my awesome husband I basically dated one nightmare after another). But my experiences have taught me that the hard work of moving on from a toxic relationship is more than worth it. Sometimes it takes EVERYTHING you've got to force yourself to cut off contact, not open their emails, not take their calls, not check up on them online, etc. But eventually you will find yourself getting stronger, and chances are you will look back on this relationship and think "oh my GOD I'm glad I'm out of that."

So to answer your question, yes. I think you should move on and start seeing other people.  I'd also encourage you to talk to a therapist. It was hugely helpful for me; it really helped me understand why I kept getting involved with dysfunctional men, why I didn't think I deserved better than that.  It helped me get stronger and learn to stand up for myself, and I was finally able to break that pattern of dysfunction. I know all this is easier said than done, but I wish you all the luck in the world. Hang in there--I know you're in a tough place right now.

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