BPDFamily.com

Long story short, my BPD wife attacked me last summer and almost did serious harm. She started a new serious relationship with new guy probably around October 2016. We cannot communicate because of her lashing out and blames me for her violence.

I have been trying to move on but haven't had much luck finding someone new. I happened to look and saw a new photo of her from a few hours ago, with her happily kissing the new guy on the cheek as she is engaged with-him (December 2016 after 3 months together) yet-still-married-to-me until she formally files in two months' time (a year after the attack in July 2016).

What gives? Every other relationship of hers she must have capsized and devalued the man before. How is this new relationship thriving where so many have failed? I have read threads explaining that her photos are her way of trying to make me jealous and show that she is better off without me. I felt mildly sick seeing her kissing another guy when we were together for so long... 7 years!

There are threads on here explaining that it is all for show but this time can she really be happy 8 months later when her longest relationship before me was only a year? I don't understand this!

Hi rosesaredred777, I can understand you feeling sick after being with her for so long. It would hurt if I saw my ex kissing someone else. Getting engaged after just three months together sounds like impulsive behaviour. She could still be in the idealising stage of the relationship cycle and the devaluing is yet to come. Or maybe the devaluing has already begun, but you’re not privy to it. Photos on social media do not tell the whole story. You really don’t know if the relationship is thriving or not. My ex asked me to get engaged and I said yes because I was emotionally enmeshed, kept hoping things would improve, but deep down I was miserable. I have photos of this time when I ‘looked’ happy, but I wasn’t. What led you to look at her photos?

I think that is why she is posting these photos -- to show off how happy she is and to make me upset/suffer. She knows that we are not allowed to communicate so I suspect she is trying to bait me into criminal charges. She badmouthed her previous ex to me 7 years ago when we happened to talk to him on the bus, perhaps 2-3 weeks into our relationship? She told me how he would boast that the Irish were the best and his other common phrases that she enjoyed mocking behind his back. It was very unhealthy and I accepted it at the time because it seemed normal to dislike a crappy ex, right?

I am sure she is mocking me for my lifestyle decisions to her new guy, just like how she used to tell me all of her previous boyfriends were abusive to her. She eventually called me verbally abusive when I said something blunt that she didn't like. She did not like men with spines.

What I don't understand is how she hasn't broken up to him at the 5 month mark when in our relationship that was around the time she started to act wild outwardly and negatively? I know each relationship is different and each person uniquely triggers BPD maladaptive behaviours... .but still... She was so happy the 2-4 months before our marriage. I doubt he lives with her so maybe his refusal to get too close or see her too often has kept her from being too triggered yet?

In our relationship, we saw each other often enough after the first few months that my friends would see me less than she would. Once we lived together or spent hours together, that seems to be when her odd behaviours would re-appear. It did not seem to matter whether she started exercising or not (as she seems to be starting up again with him by cycling together) ... .Anything that triggered her seemed to lead to a bigger build-up or possible extinction burst/devaluation/calling it quits in the relationship.

She is in a very small town compared to here. I personally got bored fast there within weeks and she often did not want to go out after work, etc. Even when she did want to go out, 95%~ of the time it was only to whatever she wanted to do and my interests were ignored at the wayside. There is only so much to do there beside pool, visiting the movie theatre, watching TV at home, seeing the 2-3 major tourist hot-spots, etc. Most of the time, she would watch TV and not want to go anywhere... or simply could not afford it as she had squandered her money on alcohol, AFAIK... .Her money mysteriously disappeared over the course of our time together. It was uncanny!

I looked at her profile because there hadn't been a new photo for months, which I thought was very, very strange. I don't think I will be 100% over it until I find someone new. All I know is that her devaluation got worse if I stayed too long at her place, if I expressed disinterest in something she demanded we do, if we tried to live in the same place (she felt "smothered" if we shared living quarters, which never made sense to me as I was always going out or she would sometimes complain about how she was a low priority to my hobbies, etc.).

I don't think there is a way to make BPDs happy... .There are band-aids but it seems like a bottomless consumption black-hole.

My T wisely told me,  "personalities typically don't change."

After a 2 year r/s of bliss, the problems started after they got married and co-habituated. He eventually got it worse then I did.  Even though he was her affair partner,  I felt sympathy towards him.  I only know this because we have kids and I interact with her.  Of course the FB stuff telegraphs a different story,  and it did for so long. 

Getting caught up in whatever someone chooses to post can only drive us nuts.  They choose to post what they will.  Who chooses to post "my life sux?"

Sure,  many people do  red-flag

But not a person who doesn't think so at the time.  Why would they?

This can be brutal to see.  I saw it,  and it was so.  However,  as my T said (who was no fan of my ex,  and he counseled her in 2 sessions), "she is an independent entity,  free to make her choices." As much as it burned me at the time to accept that,  it was true; I had no choice.

There are a lot of factors that go into how long a relationship will last with a pwBPD.  Two years ago, my BPD friend had seemingly found the love of her life.  As soon as she moved in with him, something she "had to do" because she had nowhere else to live, all hell broke loose, and they broke up two months later.  One guy last year was "the one," and they talked about marriage.  That relationship ended because he kept having to go to rehab for heroin addiction, so it's hard to tell how long it would have lasted.  I can tell you that they broke up once, after a month.  I hadn't seen any idealization.  Then, they got back together two weeks later, and she was going on about how he was her soul mate.  When she idealizes someone very heavily from the beginning, it usually crashes and burns pretty badly.  For example, she's been with her current guy for less than two months and is already referring to him as "hubby."

What I can tell you is that my BPD friend will post pictures with her boyfriend for a variety of reasons.  One is that they are a couple and that's what couples do.  Those are the normal "Hey, we are visiting the city today and are having fun" pics.  Then, there are the "Here we are in bed" pics that are meant to make people jealous.  She once told me that she sometimes posts things like that because she wants to help the other person "let go." Just yesterday, she added a bio to her Instagram, which she has never done before.  It says, "My other half is the better looking one, so I suggest you stalk him instead."  It's hard to tell who that is aimed at, but she loves to tell people that her exes stalk her, so it's clearly meant for someone.  I tried to tell her that it actually does the opposite and hurts the person even more, but that fell on deaf ears.  About a month after she broke up with the heroin addict, who still very much wanted to be with her, she posted a pic of his replacement on top of her, with the caption, "Laying in bed all day is just the therapy I needed." It's just all very childish and attention-seeking.

Hi rosesarered777 ~ I'm sorry to hear about your struggle seeing your ex with another. It's hard to see that whether BPD is a factor or not. I don't know if this helps but part of my situation resembles yours and even though every situation is different, it may provide insight as I struggled with the same thoughts.
In July 2015, my ex left and moved back to our home town to give us time apart to "work" on our marriage. A week after moving, she stopped communicating with me. Our oldest daughter found out that her mother (my ex) was dating her ex bf that she was with before we met from almost 20 years prior. She denied it at first but eventually came clean even though she but stil tried to minimize her involvement with him saying that he was only a friend. This went on for a couple of months until the same daughter came across a diary of her mother's which proved the level of intimacy in the relationship that my ex was involved in with the bf. I never heard of any fights, issues or problems going in in their relationship and I started to think that maybe I was the one with problems. This guy was near 40, didn't have a job, lived with his mother, didn't have a car and has a felony drug conviction. To top it off, they had broken up as teenagers because he cheated on her (ex wife's explanation). How could that work? She was going out almost every night with him and leaving our children with their grandmother (my ex lives with her mother). I started to accept it and moved on. Fast forward to February of this year and we start to get along because she she stopped accusing me of things (that weren't true) and started to be cordial. I would come over more often which was nice because I could see our children more often. She started to open up and told me that she should have never started dating him, should have never filed for divorce and that we could start to try and work things out between us. She said that he was manipulative, lazy, that he was good at making her feel sorry for him and that nobody could ever love her like I could. She said that she was going to break up with him but never did. Once I decided to try and make it a go for reconciliation, she said that I was pressuring her then started to spend more time with him. This was over about a six week period. I decided to tell her that as long as she was with him, I would t consider reconciliation and she got angry. It's now May and she's still with him.
My point is that for over a year, I thought the same thing as you and finally found out that it wasn't all fairy tale between them like I had thought whether real issues in her mind or not. I don't wish it to fail but know that it probably will. I can't think about why they are still together and my opinion is hat it won't be good for you to focus on the same for you with your ex and their new partner. My opinion and experience only. A therapist would be best to guide you through... .

Let's see how "thriving" they are 2 years in, let alone the 7 you were with her.

Anyway, that's beside the point.  Try not to keep score and focus on yourself getting better.

It won't last

Good luck to him! Nobody deserves to be treated the way BPDers treat people! Her getting back with her ex should be the final nail in the coffin! As there is often no closure with BPDs we find ourselves in limbo. You are no longer in limbo. She does not deserve you. You do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect. Nobody does! BPDs will always post online about how amazing everything is, it is hard to see but it's all lies. People who are truly happy do not feel the need to plaster it all over social media! Why would they? Who are they trying to prove their happiness too?

They are manipulative, and by posting all this it is just another way to emotionally abuse and hurt you! You will be much better off without her. My BPD ex has been dating a new guy for two weeks and she is already posting pictures of them kissing saying how she loves him more than life! It's all bonkers and they are in for a hell of a tough time! All this loviness and idealisation is just a trap. Once they have trapped them, the abuse and devaluation will begin.

Stay strong my friend. You will be more lonely in a relationship with a BPD than you would being single. They are evil leaches and will turn everyone against you! They will still try to hurt and abuse you even after the relationship is over

It isn't all for show, PWBPD fear abandonment to such an extreme level that it controls their behaviour, which is irrational so much of the time; cause a partner to be jealous and they won't leave me is the thinking, reality is the partner doesn't show jealousy and tries to get closer triggering engulfment fears or they get jealous and fighting occurs, both lead to push/pull that gets worse until the relationship inevitably fails.

Stay away from social media which is notoriously fake as it only stands to reason that people want to post the good times and not the bad. BPD is a serious mental illness and without years of therapy the cycle will ALWAYS repeat.

Rosesarered,
   I struggle with the same thing you are. My replacement is still with my ex and it's been over 1/2 the time we were together. My ex never posted profile pics of us but she posts them of her and her new love.

Smoke and Mirrors. She can post whatever she wants but I know who SHE is. I know all the circular fights, childish name calling (her, not me), the cheating (again her not me).

I know she has cheated on every ex except the ones who left her. She also returns to exes who will take her back.

Facebook, social media... .
all smoke and mirrors used to project this amazing image of their relationship.

The issues you grappled with... .rest assured your replacement will get his dose of them. If she was abusive towards you that won't change with the next... .

This is who she is.

If you are like me you want this relationship to crash and burn, you want absolute proof she is BPD and this wasn't you.

Well I can tell you this.

That is our ego's talking. This person treated us terribly and yet we are upset they are still with our replacement.

We should be GRATEFUL they are with our replacements.

Please do not look into her social media or think into what you are seeing. Keep working on you. It gets easier, trust me! This isn't about us WINNING... .

we've already won.

This is about us getting better and never making the decision to date someone like this again.

 

It's getting easier in the sense that I have a place to live but I miss having that partnership to come home to, that second person who I felt like I could count on times.

Sometimes I feel pretty down because I am trying to find someone new but no one out there yet seems to take a liking to me yet.