BPDFamily.com

Well... .h*ll did freeze over and I got a facebook account.  One of my kids is travelling with limited internet,so if I want to be part of that and see it... .I had a choice.

I've locked down the account so I'm not findable, or as remote as possible.  My guess is my wife looked at my kids friends and saw it on there... .or saw that my kid had a new friend.

Anyway... .some text-bombing about it today from my wife.  I said if she was interested we could find time to talk about it in person.

She didn't respond to that... .and text bombed some more.

Anyway... .I suspect the minimum amount of pain is to tell her I'm not going do do facebook with her and leave it at that... .assuming she brings it up.

My intentions are to get no more facebook friends than my kid that is travelling. 

FF

Perhaps... ."I much prefer an in person relationship with you.  Please don't read anything further than I intend into my decision to not facebook with people other than (kids name)."

if she is kind I will continue to discuss and if she "reads further"... .I'll disengage.

Thoughts?

FF

PS... what I really want to scream is "this is exactly the reason I don't facebook... ."

You can also friend her on Facebook but in a filtered way - add her to Acquaintances or Restricted, which will let you manage what she sees of your Facebook content.

How about saying "I only set up the account so that I can follow (kids name) while they are traveling.  Other than that, I do not plan to use facebook."

I'll check this out... perhaps this is an option.

There is nothing on my feed... .I'm not going to post.

Oh... .well except for this is where I hide all the women that... you know...      

FF

You could also point out that Facebook is only "inhabited" by old boring people now anyways.  :)  That's what my sons tell me and I believe it because the only person bugging me about why I haven't posted and don't read their posts is my mom (63yo).  I have not changed my profile picture since I set up my account in 2004 and only rarely even log in. 

All my ACTUAL friends know that they can text me or talk to me if they want to tell me something.  :)

One quick question.  If you don't intend to post or use Facebook for anything other than keeping up with your child who is traveling, what is the harm in accepting your wife's friend request?  She places value on it and it doesn't appear to cost you anything to accommodate the request, so I'm just curious.

To play BPD's advocate (I seem inclined to that role today for any BPD other than my BPDh  :)) - accepting her friend request allows her to see, first hand, that you have nothing to hide.  If she and/or her FB friends are the type to read into things, it would also protect her from the awkwardness of "your husband is on FB and he's not even your friend?" 

Neither of these is a huge driver to accept her friend request if you feel strongly about not doing so, but it seems to me that it would serve to avoid counterproductive conversations better effectively than refusing and having to continually have the question of "why".

Just tell her gently, but firmly:

"I'm only friending our daughter to follow her distant adventures.  I'm not friending anyone else, including you.  I understand you might be hurt.  I might be as well if I was in your shoes.  I just hope you don't read any malice or other underhanded motives in my decision."

Then when she pushes back, just say, "I know you don't agree.  I'm not changing my mind."

FF, your wife dysregulates frequently no matter what you do.  You might as well do what you what you really want to do and use the tools here to mitigate the fallout where you can.  I don't suggest going against your desires in what will likely be a vain attempt to placate her.

That would be the only "electronic" thing in my world that she can "peek into" without asking.

There is also history.  FB has been an issue for a long time.  Once she got me to make a post on her "wall" while logged into her account.  I had resisted for a long time... .not sure why I finally did it... .it seemed so harmless to post something nice on mothers day.  

She flipped out... .posted a bunch of crap about me not getting it... .she then edited my post to her liking... .and let people know she edited it.

Yeah... .FB has been an issue for a while.  I could give many more examples... .unfortunately.

If there was evidence in my wife's life of real change... real effort.  Perhaps I would soften. 

Right now she "goes to" a mentor.  A lay person at the church that is helping her solve her problems.  The mentor has let me know that marriage and parenting are not "in her purview"... .  So... honestly... I'm not sure what they do... .

Boy... .off on a tangent I went.

No... .not FB friends anytime soon.

FF

I'm confused... .

So I like best Harri's:

Yet, I would FULL stop at the first sentence.
Imo, anything further is JADE. 
Why make promises on how you will use it in the future?
Isn't that validating the invalid?
She has no rights over your FB activity to force you to explain why you are using it in a limited fashion.  So what if you decide to add another kid in two years?  Why not?  Why explain yourself?

I think that first sentence is enough.
The rest is for her to go apply some self soothing over and her stuff to cope with.
I don't see where you did anything wrong.  I do see why she thinks you did, but is that valid?

Maybe I am missing something?

You've got it... .I'm not aware of any other nuance that matters.

1.  I'm not going to bring it up again.
2.  If she does... .I'll stick to the line we all seem to like.

3.  If she insists on further talk or explanation I'll let her know that "I'll think it through and get back to you... " or something like that.

or... .just say no.

FF

formfiler, here's the (potential) consequence / slippery slope of doing anything OTHER than the statement that we all like:

I've had social media connections with my uBPDw as far back as MySpace! This was 14 years ago.

I immediately started needing to justify my "existence" on Social Media.

I started out saying the Statement We All Like: "I set up the account so that I could understand the application. My job is (technology focused) and this is an important aspect of my profession"

Then the negotiations / accusations started: "If you have nothing to hide, then you won't mind me seeing what you put on there" then "If you're not screwing around, then I'll join too" "Why don't you friend me if you've got nothing to hide?"

Then, "I see (Jane) is on there - I don't like her - delete her" then "I see (Joe) is on there. He just wants to bad mouth me. I need you to delete him now"

You see, every step of the way, I gave a little, and it's added up to a LOT.

At this point, you might ask, why don't I just give up? Well, two simple reasons: 1) I still work in the same industry and it's still important for my career, and 2) Why SHOULDN'T I participate in something millions and millions of other people participate in, without fear and intimidation?

That second one is honestly WAY more important than the first one, IMHO.