BPDFamily.com

Okay.  I need some advice and support.  I know what I want to do but it is kinda crappy.

My uBPDexfiance and I first started our split 3/23.  Phase 2 was 3/31 and the final phase on 4/8, when she told me she just needed something different for her future (which was a relationship with a Christian man).

We continues to text a bit and talk until 4/17.  I visited her Mom to talk about a few things, and her Mom was super gracious and agreeable, on 4/19 and 4/20.  On 4/24 the ex sent me a nasty text that was loaded with projection and her Mother twisting so many of the things I said:
"You have crossed every line and boundary by contacting my mom continuously and showing up at her house uninvited. You have lied and twisted things to make others think I need you and can’t get along without you. There were no mixed messages on my part…I broke up with you.  I wouldn’t say we would never be together again because I don’t know the future but that was not a mixed message.  You turned it into a mixed message.  I can say to you now that we will NEVER be together again. You are obsessed to a point that is upsetting others and concerning them about my safety and that of my girls. If your business doesn’t work out and you leave Columbus and move to Indy…I will slap a restraining order on you so fast your head will spin. You are the one that needs serious help.  I feel sorry for you but I am done.  Do not contact my family, friends, daughters, or anyone else who has close contact with me.  I wish you the best with your business, the boys, and hope you get the help you need mentally."

Well today my Son contacted her because she still had some of my things and her wanted one of them.  This is their exchange:
Son: Hi Hxxx my dad doesn't know im messaging you or anything but he said he may have left his Star Wars movie collection at your place and i was wondering if you could possibly mail it to my moms house its really important to me because my girlfriend Sarah wanted to watch them all as a date for her and i and my dad was the only one that had them all so if you could send it here that would be fantastic
 
Ex: Hey XXX! I will absolutely send them to you! I saw then the other day and had planned to send them. Or my mom is in town and going back to Hilliard on Friday. I could have her drop them off at your mom's on Friday or Saturday.
What's your mom's address?

Son: It is 5884 DXXXXX XXX
Thank you so much
 
Ex: No problem! How are you doing? How did the semester go?"

I am fine with the exchange, other than the fact that she has had my stuff for 5+ weeks and has sent nothing back and is claiming she JUST saw them, right up until the personal questions started.  I was accused of crossing boundaries regularly and here she is crossing a boundary by getting personal with my child.  AFTER she demanded that I not contact ANYONE she talks to INCLUDING her kids that I came to love like my own.

I want to send her a message telling her to never contact my children again and that she crossed a boundary that SHE instilled on ME.  I also kinda want to send a message to her daughters asking how their school year ended up... .

I am being advised by a few friends that if I do it will create a crap storm and any chance of her contacting me in the future will be gone for good.  Their view is that maybe she is softening a little on her anger and "Christian man" stance. 

Any advice on what I should do?  Send the message or just stay silent?   Remember that I am only concerned about her taking it personal asking about my child and that boundary cross!  I am livid that she would do this, especially knowing that I would eventually find out someone talked to her because the movies are back in my possession but none of my other stuff.

FWIW: My ex wife is the one that alerted me to this exchange because she thought it was weird also.  My ex wife and the uBPDexfiance got along great and my ex wife and I are best friends.  My ex wife does agree that there is something wrong with the uBPDexfiance  and is glad we are no longer together because she felt I was being used.
 

it is a bit hypocritical, and id be irritated too.

i think your friends are right. id let it go, as virtually any reaction to her would be an escalation.


are you looking to resurrect the relationship?

Trick question really.  Part of me says yes as I "know" so many things that are causing her issues.  The possibility of the BPD, her Mother, real depression and PTSD from a 2nd Husband that abused her Sexually, physically, and verbally, and many things from her past.  At this point all she has done therapy wise is 2 yrs of once a month appointments with her Christian counselor that was her Marriage Counselor from the abuser husband marriage.

So, IF she ever reached out to me again with the desire to rekindle she will have to show me some things. 

-The 2 times she left me one of the reasons was that she felt far from God... .the most recent time she said she also needed a "true Christian" man to have a successful relationship.  So, she would have to convince me that this would not happen again.  Not likely.
-She would also have to be receptive to getting evaluated for the BPD since she has so many self-admitted issues that go back to her youth.  If it is confirmed she would have to agree to getting whatever Therapy is suggested.  Again, not likely.

Those are the 2 biggest conditions I would have.  There are a few others.

To answer your question fully... .Yes, I would love to rekindle but i do not see her ever reaching out to me and I do not see her ever convincing me OR agreeing on the evaluation.

Because of that I am seeing my Counselor weekly through at least Sept., working on me (new hobbies, weight loss, communication skills, etc), and preparing for a life without her.
 

That's so tough, Ox. I can understand your anger and the longing to rekindle. In the middle of it all. I agree with  C<||| once removed. It might better not to stir the pot right now, even though you have sounds reasons to call her out.

You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. This is difficult stuff to deal with. 

heartandwhole