BPDFamily.com

My first post, so I guess I will just dive in. 

My wife of 13 yrs and I are heading towards a divorce... .years in the making with many issues familiar to people on this forum.  My BPDw (is that the right acronym?) and I saw a marriage counselor years ago, but she walked out and never went back with me.  Since then she has seen a couple of therapists on her own.  I finally was able to get her back to see a new marriage counselor a few weeks ago.  It obviously made her uncomfortable and she started in on me (blaming, etc.) pretty heavy during the session.  The therapist decided to separate us and talk to us 1:1.  My BPDw had the first session, then me.  During my session, the Therapist recommended I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to see if I thought it applied to the situation.  I devoured the book in 1 day and was completely woken up as it applied 100% to our relationship.  That was the first I have heard of BPD.  I have not shared anything I have learned about BPD with my wife.

Now, it looks like we are heading for divorce and I am worried about our (3) kids (11, 10, & 4 yrs old).  During our marriage, I have mainly been the lightening rod/whipping boy.  However, sometimes it is the 2 older children.  I am worried about custody and what could happen without me in the picture.  My wife recognizes that I am a good father and she said she is ok with splitting custody.  I am still a bit worried though, especially when it comes to medical decisions - she can project her issues on to them and has had them into therapy, etc. for what I would call normal kid issues.

Anyway, looking for any advice if someone has been through a similar situation.

Hi
Its a sad story to read, but I am in a similar situation to you but different, I never knew my wife had BPD and only figured it out with a great physiologist.

Its way too late for me to save my marriage as we are already in the process of divorce and custody battles.

If i had the insight you have I would honestly try and make it work, I would find a way to talk to her about the issues at hand, I would go to a physiologist and find a way how you can create a safe place to talk to her and help her

Try that, if it doesnt work, Divorce is really hard and a battle with someone with BPD in divorce is so hard you have no idea

Good Luck
Maybe my advise is not what you wanted to hear but I wish i had the insight you have and I would of at least tried to help my wife

@Junglejim - I appreciate the insight.  The divorce in not for sure, but she has already seen a lawyer a couple times, etc.  It is quite possible she is using it as a "shake-down" tactic, but she could be serious this time.  I guess we'll find out. 

Does your wife know she has BPD?  I know that me telling her she needs help or suggesting anything like BPD will not go over well.  There is a chance we can approach this through our marriage counselor somehow though I suppose. 

Good for you that you found that helpful therapist!  Several months before my separation & divorce I tfried couples couneling, failed but I agreed to go by myself.  Three sessions and all I got out of it was background history about my FOO (Family Of Origin).  I kept saying the urgent issues were about my spouse but I didn't even get one suggestion from her.  Then I tried to get the local university hospital to come for a home visit but I lived a mile too far away.  However, the psychiatry staffer said it sounded like a "Personality Dysfunction" and with that initial clue I eventually found my way here.

The general advice is not to be the one, if anyone, to tell your spouse.  By this time virtually all communications are tense and can easily trigger rejection.  For example, a typical projection is "No, I don't have BPD, you do!  It's all your fault!"  She just can't or won't listen to you since there is so much emotional baggage in the close relationship with you that it just can't  or won't get through and actually considered.  Could an emotionally neutral professional walk her though it?  Perhaps, but the issue would be... .Would she get past the Denial and Blame Shifting and actually ponder her perceptions, thinking and behaviors, not just for the moment but over many sessions for long term making progress toward recovery?

Since those sessions were recent, have you tried to set up a series of sessions?  If wife is agreeable and sincerely works on her issues, great, you may be able to avoid a divorce, maybe.  But if (1) she refuses or (2) she attends but doesn't apply much of anything or (3) she continues to Deny and Blame Shift, then divorce is the only practical alternative.

Most who arrive here are at a similar point in their lives.  Only a relative minority are able to find ways for their spouses to respond and improve over time.  (Those start on the Saving/Improving the Relationship boards here and come to this one if nothing improves sufficiently.)  So don't feel you failed if you do decide to divorce.  You have a dysfunctional marriage and it didn't improve despite your best, if uninformed, efforts.  You tried, for many years, but it takes two to make a marriage work, only one to sabotage it.  And with the children's future impacted, that's sadly the choice left to you.

Disclaimer:  I am a huge proponent of marriage.  But I had to face the fact that the extreme discord, recurring rages, relentless demands and growing risk of allegations left me only divorce to protect me and my parenting.


I could write for hours about the strategies, tactics and whatnot, you've asked that large of a question.  Please read the various threads here on this board.  While some may not apply, others will.  You'll get a general idea of how we recommend to handle the issues, problems and crises.  There's a huge amount of collective wisdom here, "we've been there and done that".  So don't wander away from here.

First, good that your kids have been to counseling, they can share and learn from trained professionals.  Courts like that too.  But a couple cautions.  First, be careful that your spouse hasn't selected counselors or therapists who are inclined to agree with her, be conned or become her 'negative advocates'.  They should be experienced and not easily fooled. Second, you need to be involved and attend half of the sessions to ensure spouse isn't twisting reality, blaming or blame shifting.

Second, since you foresee a divorce, whether soon or later on, you need to prepare.  While you do share when trying to make marriage a success, you be more careful if a divorce is looming.  Prepare confidentially, you have that right and need for appropriate privacy, especially with an imploding marriage.  No, you do not tell your spouse you are consulting or choosing with family law attorneys.  No, you don't divulge confidential information when interrogated.  Get the idea?  You're not being mean, you're being judicious.

My divorce was very scary.  I was obstructed, my parenting was obstructed, to the point that she made numerous 'unsubstantiated' allegations.  :)espite being false, they still had to be investigated.  Hopefully your divorce won't be that bad.  But since it could, you probably need to document what behaviors of her are examples of poor parenting.  While she may have poor adult behaviors (ranting and raging at you and other adults), court will pay more attention to her poor parenting behaviors.  Why?  Well, when you tell the judge of her rants, rages, demands, maybe even hitting, the judge will look at you and say, "So, how dows that impact the children?"  See?  While you document all the incidents in a journal or log book (I used calendar books/diaries) focus most on the impacts on the children.  :)id she rant at you in their presence?  (My county didn't care about my then-preschooler witnessing me getting raged at, only whether she might have raged at him.)  :)id she rant or rage at them?  Log the date and time, location, if any witnesses, specific details, etc.

This was over a dozen years ago, I didn't have recording apps on phones back then so a few months before our separation I bought some voice recorders as documentation.  Mind you, I didn't wave a recorder in her face, I knew that would trigger or worsen an incident.  I just kept it in a pocket and quietly recorded.  It was as much for my own self-protection (in case she called police or made allegations later) and ability to sleep nights as it was to document. :thought: